Week 35 Art Project

 

This week's art project was: "Make a big red tongue (or even lips) out of cardboard (you can color it) or red paper.  On the tongue I made, I wrote the words, “I promise to do my very best to use my tongue for good..., not for sarcasm.  I want to uphold and respect you always.”  If you do not have a problem controlling your tongue (issues could also include gossiping about your mate, sassing, criticizing, nagging, and swearing), you could use any item to represent the area you struggle with, maybe even create a large to-do list that itemizes only romantic and respectful “chores.”  Or if you struggle with ogling people of the opposite sex, create an eyeball (or take a picture of your eyes and print it out) promising your eyes will only be for your mate. "

This is my project. On the back I wrote: “I promise to do my very best to use my tongue for good words, not for sarcasm.  I want to uphold and respect you always.” 

Week 35: Reality & Respect

 

Fun Idea This Week:  Try a new restaurant this week, even if just for dessert.  If there are no restaurants in your area you have not tried, then try a new dish at your favorite place. If it is not in your budget, make a new recipe.  The idea is to be adventurous and try something new together.

Week 35: Reality & Respect

Reality:  Because I write that all marriages have the potential of being romantic and peaceful, it may seem that I live life in a bubble, but let me assure you, I do not.  The purpose of my writings is to encourage all of you to strive for excellence in your marriage and not just to live life with your chosen one as a mere roommate or an obligation.  I am well aware of the reality of what marriage is like on a day-to-day basis.  I want to help you to see that you can have more gloriously happy days with the love of your life than dark depressing ones.  When you place Jesus Christ at the center and are determined to make your marriage successful, you and your marriage will have more joy.

Here are some examples of the negative realities of marriage and what you can do to overcome these down times.

There are days when you will wonder why you chose to get married, and/or find yourself thinking life was better off when you were single.  When these thoughts swim through your head like a frenzied shark, think back to those so-called glory days of being alone. Were you really happier?  I know I was not.  I spent many lonely days wishing and praying for a mate to share my life with and with whom I could have meaningful conversations.  Whenever you feel you wish you could be single again, remind yourself of Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.  (The “threefold cord” represents you, your spouse, and God.)

There will be days when know you still love your mate, but you just want some space.   You do not feel like talking, you definitely do not feel like having sex, and you just want some time alone.  There is nothing wrong with this perception as long as it is an occasional feeling and not a daily issue.  There is also nothing wrong with seeking a timeout for an hour or two.  I know I tend to retreat into my own emotions and just want some time alone to think.  Usually, a few hours are all I need to myself, and then I am ready to be reunited with my love.  If you feel the need to retreat more than once or twice a month, you need to talk things out.  One or both of you may need to schedule a “me” day once or twice a month but try not to spend more than half the day separated as the purpose of marriage is to be together, not apart.  Very importantly, in today's age, I would never suggest anyone going off alone to a remote area. Go to a separate room in your home, your yard, or someplace safe. I am not trying to make anyone paranoid, but times are getting more dangerous even for adults, so use wisdom on where you go to be alone. And if you leave the house, always, always make sure someone knows where you are going and when to expect you back home. If you deviate from your plans, make sure to call or text with updates. Again, not trying to sound paranoid, but there are a lot of stories in the news of bad things happening to both men and women when they are alone, and keeping another person aware of their plans has often saved a life.

There are times you will feel distant from your mate and even wonder if you are still in love.  One reason for a cold heart toward your mate can typically be due to lack of time together.  If your partner feels a stranger to you, then get to know him/her again.  One of the problems in marriage is that once we are past the newlywed stage (sometimes even before), we quit dating and romancing one another.  Instead, think of marriage as a perpetual date, even if you have kids.  It has been difficult for Mel and me to go someplace special for a date for many years due to finances, but we can still bond at home by talking, walking, reading together, playing games, or by being intimate.  Do not let lack of money be an excuse for a lack of romance.  You can still connect each day and assure you never find yourself wondering whom the person is sleeping next to you.  If you still feel disconnected from your mate, then please talk it out and seek help if needed; do not go looking for a substitute in the form of an affair.  

Some issues may arise after your marriage that you did not know about before you married.  Perhaps your mate kept a secret from you about his/her past (or is even lying about the present) or perhaps your loved one has an addiction or physical/mental illness of which you were not aware.  The possibilities are many.  A common issue is that undesirable personality traits tend to arise that you turned a blind eye to when you were dating due to the rose-colored glasses you were wearing.  Also, do not forget that while you were trying to woo your honey, you were probably on your best behavior and hid some of your less likable qualities as he/she did.  This is a tricky area because if a secret has been kept from you until after you married in order to try to keep you from fleeing before you made your vows, then you may have a serious issue.  However, if it is something that can be forgiven (even if it takes time to rebuild trust), do your very best to work things through and move on rather than giving up.  Seek counseling if needed.  If a negative personality issue you did not see coming is staring you in the face, then stop and consider if it is really such a big deal.  Maybe he is more negative than you realized, or she has issues with bitterness, or you are now realizing he/she is a controlling bully or nag.  These issues require discussions with your mate but can be resolved.  Maybe, he/she is violent or is addicted to pornography or alcohol; these issues will require a professional but can be overcome with God’s help. I have said it before, and I do not condone illegal activity. If you discover your mate is physically or sexually abusing anyone (or starts abusing you), you do not have to stay with him/her. In fact, you need to report it to the authorities.

The fact is that whatever reality check you find yourself facing that may have you second-guessing your marriage is usually fixable.  Analyze why you are feeling the way you are (your spouse may not be the problem, and you may be the one that needs the attitude adjustment), talk things through with your mate, seek professional help if necessary, and above all, ask God for guidance.  

Respect:  Being single for three months short of turning forty years old was actually to my advantage.  I was able to observe many different marriages and see what worked and what did not.  I was continually making mental notes on the kind of wife I did and did not want to be if God ever granted me the gift of a husband.  And grant me He did, in the form of my wonderful and precious Mel!  One of the negative issues I have observed then and now is the blatant disrespect of the one you took vows to honor and cherish.

The best way to maintain a healthy marriage is always to show respect.   Correcting grammar, criticizing driving, telling each other what they can and cannot talk about are just a few examples.  Did you marry a child or an adult?  Are you a parent or a marriage partner?  One of the many things I love about Mel is his intelligent mind, and to correct or criticize him would undermine his intelligence and hurt his self-esteem.  As his wife, I want to hold him up and make him feel good about himself, not tear him down.  Even the simple criticisms like grammar correction would make him (or anyone else) feel hurt and probably make him want to talk less.  

Another important way to show your spouse respect is not to talk about each other behind their back.  Whatever problems you may have, keep it between the two of you.  Talk it out or get over it.  Those are your only options if you want to honor his/her reputation.  Proverbs 31:23 says that a virtuous woman's husband is known for his reputation, and this is most likely due to her speaking kindly about and highly of him.  One bad word to one person can spread like wildfire and can easily be misconstrued.  Just keep it between the two of you unless it is an issue so serious you need to seek counseling. 

Just one more thing (as there are other past and future weeks in this series that address respect): What is with the "Honey Do" lists?  I am not referring to one or two things to bring home for dinner, but a long list.  I can understand a mother at home with kids does not want to drag everyone to the store for one or two items, especially if she has little ones in diapers.  However, there are many wives with older kids not in diapers and/or have older ones that can watch the younger ones, or no kids at all, that expect their hubby to run errands for her after work or on his days off.  Why not go together as a family or as a couple and make it fun?  Grab dessert while you are out or make it a date night.  That would make errand days so much more fun and go much quicker!  

As I recently stated, treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. I know I want to be treated like a princess, and Mel treats me like a queen!  Treat your husband like the king of your heart that he is! 

I have quoted it before, so I will just list the references this time. See Ephesians 5:22-33  & I Peter 1:3-7 for more reading on this subject.

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

Reality:  Are there any bleak realities of marriage causing you to second-guess your mate or your union?  Please talk these issues over and clear the air.  Be determined to make the reality of your marriage one of love and goodness, not doom and gloom!

Respect:  Are you treating your spouse like your child or your personal assistant rather than your lover?  Please remember your partner is your best friend and soul mate and treat each other with respect!

Art Project Option: One of the areas I struggle with in the area of showing Mel respect is with my sarcastic tongue.  While this may not be an issue for you, you can still use this idea and choose your own words.  Make a big red tongue (or even lips) out of cardboard (you can color it) or red paper. If you do not have a problem controlling your tongue (issues could also include gossiping about your mate, sassing, criticizing, nagging, and swearing), you could use any item to represent the area you struggle with, maybe even create a large to-do list that itemizes only romantic and respectful “chores.”  Or if you struggle with ogling people of the opposite sex, create an eyeball (or take a picture of your eyes and print it out) promising your eyes will only be for your mate.  I think you get the idea!  Be creative in your promise of treating your mate with respect! 

Week 34 Short Video

 

 

Note: This was taken at the Pacific Ocean, and the sounds of the waves make it a little difficult to hear what I am saying in this video. I am saying that the word for the week for the letter "Q" is "quick." Be quick to love, forgive, and say "I love you" no matter what is going on.

Week 34 Art Project

 

This week's art project was to "Create a large coffee mug out of cardboard.  You can make it 2-D or 3-D and it does not have to be cardboard... In the middle of the mug, draw a big heart that says something such as, “I like my coffee (or tea) like I like my man (or woman)...”  Fill in your own blank at the end for however you feel about your hot beverages and your mate! 

Week 34: Quiet & Quintessential

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Write quizzes for each other to see how well you know each other.  Be creative with your questions.  You can ask the basics such as questioning your partner to see if he/she knows what your favorite things are (etc.) but also ask things such as, “How do you think I would react to…”  Do not criticize wrong answers but make this a time to discover or rediscover new facts about your loved one.   Find fun and romantic ways to reward correct answers. You can also quiz your mate about things you would like to know. Again, be creative and ask things such as, “What would you change about…” I have written a series of questions titled "Communications of Love," and I have posted some of them on the blog. You can search the blog for "Conversations of Love" if you would like to view those questions for examples. If you need assistance, this link shows where to find the search bar:  https://abcsofajoyfulmarriage.blogspot.com/2025/07/how-to-find-conversations-of-love.html

Week 34: Quiet & Quintessential

Quiet:  No matter how busy your schedules are, make sure you have quiet times in your marriage.  Take time to relax and enjoy one another's company.  Sometimes just having time for the two of you may be difficult if one or both of you work and especially if you have children.  Taking time out every day, even just to drink a cup of coffee together in the morning, is important.  Even if you have to schedule time together every day for a quiet moment with just the two of you, then write it in ink in your planners and stick to it.  I am not talking specifically about sex, although that is important too, I am talking about checking in with each other daily and making sure your mate is doing well spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  This is a great time to pray for one another before you head out the door and go your separate ways until dinnertime.  If you have any hard feelings, this is a good time to let things go.  Hug, kiss, and do not make your partner feel rushed and keep looking at the clock.  Set a timer if you need to but use the precious quiet times to focus just on each other, leaving work at work.

 

I want to hit on another topic that has to do with being quiet.  I am by nature a shy and quiet person.  When one on one with someone I have known for a while, I can open up and be chattier.  From day one, I never felt uncomfortable around Mel, which is one way I knew he was the perfect man for me.  Growing up, let me scratch that, my entire life (not just as a child) people have been offended when I am taciturn; they take it personally. I have been accused of being a snob, standoffish, anti-social, and rude.  It is not that I am any of those things, being shy is something I cannot control any more than I can suddenly quit being short and grow five inches.  My precious husband fully accepts this personality trait as the way God designed me; he sees it as an endearing feminine quality.  He never tells me to speak up or grow a backbone.  In fact, Mel specifically asked God for a shy wife and prefers my quiet personality.

Although with my soul mate, I am typically very verbal and not shy, I sometimes have quiet moods, and Mel accepts the days I am more pensive.  If your spouse has a quiet nature, please do not try to force him/her to participate in activities that make him/her uncomfortable.  On the other hand, if you are the quiet one, do not expect your mate to not be outgoing or tell him/her to be less talkative or less social.  Accept each other the way God created him/her to be.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)

Even if you are shy around others, with your mate, good communication skills are vital.  You see each other naked, so why should you feel embarrassed to share your heart.  Open up and let each other in; in areas of expressing emotion, do not be quiet.  If you truly cannot speak to your mate about what is important, then make up for it by writing letters.  Actions do sometimes speak louder than words, but never fail to say, “I love you,” at least once a day (Mel and I say it all day long, 365 days a year).  

Quintessential:  Be the quintessential mate for your lover.  In other words, be the person to whom you want to be married. If you cannot stand a nagging spouse, then do not be one.  If you do not like argumentative or negative personalities, then be peaceful and positive.  Too many times the things we criticize in others are reflections of our own bad attitudes.  I am guilty of this as well.  I do not like it when people are snippy to me, yet I struggle controlling a sarcastic tongue.

Think of it this way: before you got married, I am certain you had a list in your mind of your ideal mate.  I wrote my first list as a teenager.  Some of the things I told God I wanted was a man who was strongly devoted to God and firmly ground in faith; a man that would help me grow in my walk with the Lord.  He must love animals, he would be compassionate and selfless, romantic, be a good listener, he should be intelligent yet humble, have a goofy sense of humor, love nature and being outdoors, be positive but a realist, be creative, he will love me for me, and encourage my talents.  It is amazing how well Mel fits the lists I wrote of my ideal man!  It is my duty to also reflect this quintessential mate and do my best to be all that I would like Mel to be.     

Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them.  Matthew 7:12

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

Quiet: Have some down time just to be quiet together.  If needed, get up early or stay up later to do accomplish this.  If you need a nice long weekend alone, send off the kids to a babysitter or a friend’s house, and turn off all electronic devices.

Quintessential:  In addition to trying to reflect the “Golden Rule” (Matthew 7:12 above) this week, show your mate that he/she is your quintessential match.   

    During the first week Mel and I were dating (I think it was our third date), I was not bold enough yet to tell him how I felt.  However, when we were having brunch together and ordering coffee, I made the comment, “I like my coffee like I like my man, strong but sweet.”  Because I was not brave enough yet to blurt out that this was the way I saw him, I sheepishly elbowed him as if to say, This describes you!  He got the hint and grinned.  It is something we still joke about.

Art Project Idea: Create a large coffee mug out of cardboard.  You can make it 2-D or 3-D and it does not have to be cardboard, but could be of any material you wish, but if you want to display it, cardboard works best.  Color your mug in your honey’s favorite color (or you could use decorative paper and glue it on).  In the middle of the mug, draw a big heart that says something such as, “I like my coffee (or tea) like I like my man (or woman)...”  Fill in your own blank at the end for however you feel about your hot beverages and your mate!  (My former physical therapist said she likes her men and coffee tall and blonde.)  If you would like, you can write on the back of the mug, "Just like coffee and tea – only much, much better..." and fill in your own descriptions.

If you would like, include an invitation (or an IOU if money is currently too tight) to coffee and dessert out at a coffee house or restaurant.

P.S.  If you can afford it, you can always have your words stating how you see your mate similar to your favorite way to drink coffee or tea, professionally printed onto a real mug.  If you do, make certain you each have a mug for your quiet coffee times together.