Week 29: Observant & Old-Fashioned

 

Fun Activity This Week: Dress in your best outfits and go out for a night on the town.  If it is not in the budget for a nice restaurant, you could just go out for dessert, eat at a fast-food place, or just walk around town (or even at a mall) and wish shop.  The point is to have fun dressing up and spending a joyful night outside the house! Another option is simply dressing up in your best outfits at home and prepare a nice dinner (or have it delivered) and later go outside for a walk. (P.S. It is perfectly okay to wear comfy, non-dressy shoes for the walk!)

Week 29: Observant & Old-Fashioned

Observant:  Be observant and be aware when your spouse is hurting.  Sometimes your mate may not feel like talking, but you should know even the subtle signals your honey gives that alert you to when he/she is not quite right.  This can be something as simple as a bad day at work, to the beginning symptoms of a cold, flu, or something serious.  Before your sweetie asks, you can offer a hand to hold, a listening ear, or some chicken soup.  Being observant may also help you notice something more urgent that may require professional attention.   

As I previously mentioned, I spent seven years in law enforcement.  The first two years, four months were as a dispatcher.  We were trained to know the officers’ personalities and nuances in their voices so well that we could detect danger in the tones they used; we could send another officer their way to assist before they asked based on the slightest shift in their tone of voice.  As a husband or wife, we should be just as in tuned to every change in our partner’s facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc.   

Not only is this good for your loved one’s mental state, but you could well save their life!  For example, I have heard numerous stories of a husband or wife noticing their spouse acting a little “off,” and even though they could not put their finger on the exact problem, they insisted on a doctor’s visit.  These conscientious spouses recognized the early signs of a stroke and/or a heart attack and saved the lives of their mates.

Some people are very stoic and or feel it is weak to admit when they don't feel good, so if you are married to one of those, you need to be extra observant to noticing signs they may need help. Also, if a spouse refuses a doctor's visit when you are convinced they need to go to the hospital, consider calling for outside help, such as an ambulance, if you feel it is a true emergency.

I highly recommend reading up on the warning signs of a stroke and heart attack so you can be your partner’s first line of defense.  You should also know the warning signs of depression and suicidal tendencies so you can seek help as soon as possible.

I am certainly not trying to scare anyone but encouraging you to be vigilant in looking out for one another in all areas of your marriage.  Be your lover’s hero by being observant.

Old-Fashioned:  People who choose not to drink, smoke, sleep with those to whom they not married, go to movies, take drugs, cheat, lie, etc., are often referred to as squares, goody-two-shoes, and very often called self-righteous. I would much rather have a reputation as a bore and called every single name in the book that insults moralistic behavior, than live with regrets. I may be old-fashioned, but my marriage is joyful, healthy, successful, and full of romance.

Some of our beliefs are unpopular and go against the more common ways of society. I will try to keep this as simple as possible and stick to just a few issues that the world considers as old-fashioned, but we see as a recipe for an enduring marriage.

(Galatians 5:19-21) Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

(1 Corinthians 6:19-20) Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.

The Bible does not say drinking alcohol is wrong. What is does say is that one is not to get drunk. (But Proverbs 20:1 DOES say, "Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.") However, even one drink can make one uninhibited and cause them to get another drink they thought they did not want, and then another and so on.  Even a slight buzz affects judgements more than one realizes.  Getting drunk causes one to act inappropriately and do things they would not normally do. You all know the list from minor things to excessive laughing or crying to major things like having sex with someone you are not married to and driving so recklessly you take a life. Why take that chance? It is better to abstain from both alcohol and even so-called harmless drugs and remove even the slightest possibility of doing something you cannot take back. The addictive qualities of alcohol and drugs are enormous and such addictions destroy families. Working in law enforcement taught me for a fact that there is no such thing as a "harmless" drug, so do not fool yourself into thinking something such as marijuana is no big deal. It is just as much the cause of crimes, death, and family crisis as any other drug.

(Matthew 5:28) But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 

I will address pornography in two weeks, and I have already mentioned inappropriate clothing, but I will add: it is not healthy to watch movies with nudity or sex scenes. I will take this one step further and say you should even turn the movie off if the characters are dressed too provocatively. Allowing yourself to be sexually stirred up by someone other than your spouse is a line that should not be crossed. Be brutally honest with yourself, and if you are feeling titillated by watching a movie star, talk show host/ news anchor, etc. show off way too much flesh, have the courage to turn off whatever it is you are watching. (We have even had to turn off Christian concerts on YouTube when the women were wearing skirts much too short.) Your spouse will not chastise you for admitting to these feelings and will be grateful you are so loyal to them, that you are willing to say, "Enough!" to smut.  More on television in ten weeks.

(1 Corinthians 7:1-3) Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.  

We do not believe in hugging people of the opposite sex (with the exception of relatives). That may seem odd to some, but it is a Biblical principal. What Paul was saying (in the above verse) is that it is not wise to tempt yourself with the flesh of someone not your spouse, and that we should save our affections for only our mate. Not everyone who wants a hug has bad intentions, but many men have admitted that hugging any woman is a turn on to them. Mel over-heard men in his former church say they could not wait until the part of the service when the pastor suggested hugging other church members because there were several women they were anxious to get their arms around.

The only person Mel and I want to stimulate is each other. If someone tries to hug you, quickly offer a friendly handshake. It is better to rule on the side of caution and risk hurting a few feelings. Whenever we have offered a hand over a hug, no one has been offended. Even if one is put off, it is better to offend them than insult your spouse by allowing another person to find pleasure in your embrace.  Or risk that you would be the one stimulated. I have known plenty women just as guilty of lustful desires that does not include their husband, so I am not excluding women in this.

(Proverbs 6:24-29) To keep you from the evil woman, From the flattering tongue of a seductress. Do not lust after her beauty in your heart, Nor let her allure you with her eyelids. For by means of a harlot A man is reduced to a crust of bread; And an adulteress will prey upon his precious life. Can a man take fire to his bosom, And his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, And his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; Whoever touches her shall not be innocent.

It is worth saying again that affairs are toxic. Even friendships with the opposite sex are dangerous, and I strongly suggest that once you get married, you have the rule never to spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex, and this includes over the phone or computer. If you have the need to confide in someone other than your mate (which I do not recommend as you and your spouse should be open and upfront with each other about all things), make sure that person is of the same sex unless a parent, sibling, or other blood relative. If you desire a girls' only or guys' only night out, that is fine, but be sure it is truly JUST the girls or guys and that the activity you participate in does not compromise your marriage.      

(Malachi 2:16) "For the Lord God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one's garment with violence," Says the Lord of hosts.  

Divorce is not an option other than over the issue of an affair or abuse (this includes abuse of your children). People today would much rather call it quits than to work things out. When people choose the option on the divorce papers that says, "Irreconcilable Differences," they are simply saying they refuse to try to fix things. I have said many times that there is no shame in seeking counseling if you cannot work things out on your own. 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 says that it is better to stay together even if one of the spouses is not a believer, as your faith very well may win him/her over.

(Ephesians 5:22-33) Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her… So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church…  “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh...” let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

I am saving this issue for last, because if you stick to this principal first and foremost, everything else will naturally fall into place for a joyful and peaceful marriage. The world says that it is okay for the wife to rule the family and bully her husband. In fact, Hollywood shows most marriages with the women nagging her husband while he complies but later complains to his buddies, and then drools over other women behind her back. Being submissive to your spouse and allowing him to be the leader is probably the most old-fashioned value of all the above, and yet the most important. I wrote more about this in week 21.

With all this said, I want to make it clear that I am in no way claiming perfection in any area of my life, as I know how and where I am flawed. However, the point is that following the principles from The Bible may seem old-fashioned, but they are a sure formula for a wonderful, lasting, fun, delightful, and satisfying marriage!

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

Observant:  How well do you know your mate?  Be extra observant this week and even play a sort of "game" with yourself to see if you can guess what your honey is feeling before he/she tells you.  Hone in on all your partner’s non-verbal clues.  How does his/her voice sound when they are happy, sad, anxious, scared, sick, etc.  What facial expressions are normal and what would be considered a warning sign that you may need to seek counseling or call an ambulance?  If you cannot answer all of these questions or are unsure, please ask your mate and show how much you care about one another. 

Also, if you have never done so, consider taking a CPR/First Aid class (include your children if they are old enough); some cities offer this class for free or at a low rate.  If it is something you cannot afford, at least watch a video on-line and/or buy a book on basic First Aid. Also, as I mentioned above, study up on the signs someone may be suicidal as mental health can be just as important as physical.

Here are some helpful links:

Signs of a stroke: https://www.cdc.gov/stroke/signs_symptoms.htm

Signs of a heart attack: https://www.cdc.gov/heartdisease/heart_attack.htm

Signs of suicidal tendencies: https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/prevention/

Art Project Option: Show your mate that you are observant to all that is important to him/her.  If you want to spend money you can buy an item or two that they collect.  But to keep this within your weekly budget, you can create this week’s art project.  Go through your pictures and choose the ones that show you and/or your mate doing something they love.  For example, my husband loves trains, and whenever we are near a train, even if it is just a lawn decoration, I take a picture of him next to it.  You could either buy a collage picture frame or turn these photos into a scrapbook page to frame, decorated with paper and/or stickers to match the theme.  If your honey is into a specific sports team, you could make the collage of them wearing clothing that represents that team, even if it is just the colors and not a specific hat or shirt with the team’s logo.  If your mate is into something he has never been around such as whales, lighthouses, castles, rockets, etc. and you have never seen one in person and/or you have no pictures to frame, you could choose pictures of them off the internet or from magazines and frame them instead. You do not have to make a collage of course but find a way to use your husband/wife's favorite things to make any type of art project you choose this week.

Old-Fashioned:  In what ways do you feel you may be walking too much in the world?  Is there anything you need to give up this week: alcohol, pornography, physical contact with the opposite sex?  Be old-fashioned together and your marriage will feel shiny and new!

    One suggestion this week is to have an old-fashioned day (include the kids if you so choose).  Spend approximately twelve hours without modern conveniences.  Walk or bike ride to your destination (if possible), enjoy an activity outside such as a park (or in your own backyard) where you can cook your meal over a barbecue grill or campfire.  Turn off electronic entertainment and read together or play sports or board games.  If you can afford it and it is the right time of year, you may even consider this a fun time to enjoy at least one day of primitive camping (Air-mattresses and other convinces are okay, of course, and it doesn't have to be in a tent.).  Whatever you choose, end the day by candlelight or by the light of a fireplace or campfire, and remind yourselves of how old-fashioned values do not include living in a tent every day or giving up electricity, but will absolutely enhance your family life.  

Week 28: Fun Activity for Reading a Novel Together

 

 

Week 28: Fun Activity for Reading a Novel Together

This week's fun activity is: Read a novel out loud.  Take turns reading, use the “text-to-speech” option on your Kindle, or listen to an audio book.  I realize that a lot of books (not even the so-called Christian ones) are clean and innocent, so you need to use your own discernment and discretion on this one.

I am choosing two books for this post because the photo above is from my favorite book last year and the below is my favorite this year (so far).

Novels can be fiction or non-fiction such as an autobiography, or even a devotional, so anything you choose to read together this week counts, even magazine articles!

We chose this book because I am a huge fan of the southern gospel group The Happy Goodmans, especially Vestal Goodman. I only started watching the Gaither Homecoming concert series on YouTube in 2024, but it did not take me long to switch my style of music to all new-to-me artists. YouTube kept playing Gaither videos based on one song I chose (Til the Storm Passes By), and the more I watched them, the more I was hooked. To make a long story a little shorter, I now listen exclusively to all the singers from those videos (or past groups represented by former members) such as the original Happy Goodmans, The Statesmen, The Cathedrals, Greater Vision, The Gaither Vocal Band, Ernie Haase & Signature Sound, The Guardians, The Inspirations, The Easters, Legacy Five, The Booth Brothers, The Hoppers, etc. But of them all, I love the late Vestal Goodman the most. I cannot hear her sing Rock of Ages without making me cry. Therefore, I was thrilled when my hubby got me this book off of E-bay for an anniversary gift in 2025.

With all that said, I highly recommend Vestal Goodman's autobiography. It is the best non-fiction book I have ever read (other than the Bible, of course). I want you to read it on your own so I don't want to give you any spoilers.  It is so incredibly inspiring. She was such an honorable woman of faith and experienced many miracles. This book made me laugh and cry and I am sure I will read it many more times.

We just finished reading "Steal Away Home" two days ago.  We had checked it out as a digital copy from the library.  It is such an amazing book I had to include it in this week's fun activity.

This is historical fictional book but supposedly is full of facts from real conversations and diary entries from both Charles Spurgeon and Thomas Johnson, so it could also be considered non-fiction. I am not a Calvinist, but this book never pushes Calvinism (unless I missed it) and simply tells the stories of these two men and actually gives great snippets of messages on holiness and treating others with love and compassion.  

It is an eye-opening book on the evils of slavery.  It is not detailed as "Uncle Tom's Cabin" by Harriet Beecher Stowe, which is also a book I read about 7 years ago, and I highly recommend.  But it tells enough of what Thomas had to endure to make you feel great compassion for him.

I really did not know anything about Charles Spurgeon before reading this book and was very impressed with all he did for the poor people of England.  His messages were inspiring.  He and his wife both suffered a lot of physical pain in their lives and Chales also battled depression off and on, and yet he still faithfully served God.

I don't want to give anything away on how Thomas and Charles' lives are connected, so please read it on your own.  As with Vestal's book, it will make you cry (a lot) and laugh as well.

P.S. My library does not have Thomas Johnson's diary, "Twenty-Eight Years a Slave," but as soon as we can afford it, I would also like to purchase it and read that as well. 

Week 28: Nag Short Video

 

Week 28: Nag Short Video

Week 28: Nurture Art Project

 

Week 28: Nurture Art Project

This week's art project is to create a nurture box of your choice. I created a "man box" for my husband.   I used the package from a kite (that we bought for week 22's fun activity) for the outside of the box, and included things my hubby loves such as coffee pods, hot sauce, beef jerky, and some fun little items like the German Shepherd and cowboy. Except for the jerky, these were all items from around the house.  So, you see you don't have to spend much money and can put any number of items in the box just as a way to show you care about your spouse's needs/wants.

This was the art project idea for the week:

Use a shoebox (or any kind of box) with a lid and decorate the outside any way you choose.  I like to use fun wrapping paper, as it is easier than cutting and piecing together bits of paper.  You can glue it if you like, but if you want to reuse the same box, it will come off easier with tape.  Make one or several boxes for nurturing your mate.  

Husbands, one idea for your wife would be: bubble bath, lotion, candles, etc., for a relaxing soak in the tub. Wives, another idea is a man box: hot sauce, beef jerky, even masculine-scented candles and body wash for his own soothing bath.   Another idea is to have a box premade with items for when one of you is ill such as filling it with tissues, cough drops, flu medicine, tea bags, Jell-O and pudding mixes, snuggly socks, soup (you can use the dry versions of soup if the cans make the box too heavy), etc.  Another idea is a baking or cooking box for a specific recipe (or even just a cookbook if you don’t have one recipe in mind).  You can include some of the nonperishable items such as spices, herbs, baking chips, and include a spatula, whisk, or even a potholder.  Or plan a fun day trip box for a way to de stress and include a map, fun road trip snacks, guidebooks, etc.  Other box suggestions are: romance, hobby, favorite foods, seasonal, spiritual, cheering up, congratulations, etc.  The ideas are endless, so be creative and have fun!  If you are making multiple boxes, you may want to label them or choose a paper (or stickers) that fits the theme, so you know which box is which.

Week 28: Never Give Up & Nurture

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Read a novel out loud.  Take turns reading, use the “text-to-speech” option on your Kindle, or listen to an audio book.  I realize that a lot of books are not clean or innocent (including the so-called Christian ones), so you need to use your own discernment and discretion on this one.  If you cannot make out the image I inserted into the artwork, it’s the book cover from one of my favorite books, "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard.

Week 28: Never Give Up & Nurture

Never Give Up:  As much as I love, desire, adore, cherish, and admire my husband, and as happy as our marriage is, our life has had struggles.  Let me make it clear that our marriage does not have any problems; we have always been very much united and in love.  Nevertheless, life has been difficult for the majority of our thirteen years together.  Yet, no matter what we faced, we have always been committed to one another and have promised never to give up on each other or our marriage.

In 2014, Mel and I were facing losing our home.  I would lay awake at night worrying about our situation, and I even wondered what would happen to our marriage if we ended up homeless.  Less than a week before we were to be evicted, we still did not know where we would live.  However, I fully believed that our marriage would survive the loss of our home, as I believed in our vows never to give up.  Did I turn on my husband and blame him?  Never!  I clung to him more than ever.  I relied on him to be my rock and in turn, I became his.  I was confused and angry with the Lord for several months, but I still held on to my Heavenly Father and trusted in His will and timing and eventually learned that God is always good.  By the way, we never spent a single day homeless as God provided a rental for us in a very miraculous way.

I certainly do not enjoy dwelling on the negative, and I prefer to think of the best-case scenario instead of the worst.  However, I believe it is very important to ask yourself the question, “Will we give up when the going gets tough?” 

Marriages break up over anything from money issues, to not enough/too much sex, infidelity, abuse, grief, illness, alcoholism, etc.  Sometimes it is necessary to separate yourself from an unfaithful, abusive, immoral spouse.  However, most non-abusive issues should be worked out. When you took wedding vows, you promised to make your marriage work, no matter what situation occurred. 

We all wish we would never have to face the tough times.  We think God will take care of every situation, but that is not always the case.  We live in a fallen world, and bad things will happen. We cannot always understand the reason why, but this is not the time to turn away from your spouse.  This is the time to pull together and be strong for one another.   Instead of clinging to one another during hard times, most couples place blame, retreat inside, and/or turn to alcohol or other vises.  Rather than spending more time together in attempts to heal, they spend more time apart grieving alone. This would be the perfect example of utilizing a counselor to save your marriage even if you think you don't need one.

(Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Hardship are not a time to go off and suffer alone.  It is a time to weep in your spouse's arms even when you cannot talk.  Take care of each other's needs as they arise.  Some experts say one of you will always be weak while the other is always strong, but this is a misleading assumption.  In a good marriage, you are both strong at the same time, and strong for each other every day.  Being strong DOES NOT mean that you never cry and have a bad day; it means you hold hands and pray for each other.  It means talking about your feelings.  It does not mean you have to try to fix everything, it means you promise to be there to hold each other and never let go.  Being sad or hurt does not mean you are weak! Let that really sink in!  Refusing to reach out to your spouse or let him/her be there for you or refusing to be there for your mate when he/she is down is unquestionably a sign of weakness.  Do not give up on each other emotionally.   

Seriously ask yourself (either alone or with your partner), “Will we give up when the going gets tough?”  If you do not know, or you think the answer is yes, then please try to figure out why.  There is no shame in seeking help from a pastor or counselor when needed.  I cannot guarantee happy circumstances for you or me.  I can guarantee that if you make God your number one source of strength, place God at the center of your marriage, obey the Bibler, pray together with your spouse, let God guide your life, and believe that no matter what comes your way you and your loved one will never give up, then you will have a joyful marriage!

Nurture: Take care of needs and wants as they arise.  Pamper one another and make your home a place of comfort.  Needs can include taking care of an ill spouse: getting him/her soup, rice, ginger ale, or even just stroking their hair to soothe them.  It could be the need to get out of the house and go for a drive because one or both of you are feeling too cooped up.  Wants can be anything from a cherry coke to sex. As long as it is a reasonable request, try your very best to meet needs and wants.  If I tell Mel I would really like a new Build-A-Bear, but we only have $25 for the rest of the month, and he lets me know it's not practical right now, I am not going to pout, I am going to respect his decision (Actually, I pay close attention to our budget, but this is just an example.).  Therefore, in instances such as these, it is acceptable to deny a request as long as it is done in a loving way, and you explain why you have said no. 

According to the dictionary, two of the definitions of nurture are: 1. to feed and protect; 2. to support and encourage.  I found it interesting that "to feed" was included.  This could literally mean fixing your spouse nourishing food and making sure he/she eats healthy. Although, pudding or ice cream when he/she is sick is perfectly acceptable! (Hint, hint!)  More importantly, you should also nurture each other with spiritual food such as Bible study at least once a week.  I also like that the definition includes "protect."  That can literally mean with your life and/or with your words.  Protecting each other’s reputation by standing up for him/her is always important. 

Then there's the second part of the definition that says nurturing includes "support" and "encourage[ment]."  We should do our best to support and encourage each other even when we are down.  When you lift up your spouse even though you are full of fears and doubts, it actually boosts your spirits and makes you feel better, especially when you quote God’s Word.  You can also support and encourage them when they wants to try something new (or old).  Do not say "You can't do that because...”  Be each other’s cheerleader and do your best to be there for your sweetie no matter what.   

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

Never Give Up:  When you get up tomorrow morning (or before you go to bed tonight) take the time to look each other in the eye and promise again that you will never give up on your marriage no matter what comes your way.  You can never assure or be assured too many times.

Nurture:  Ask your honey what needs you can meet this week and do your best to follow through.

Art Project Option: This idea does cost money, but you can buy the items over time if that’s easier or use items already in the house. Use a shoebox (or any kind of box) with a lid and decorate the outside any way you choose.  I like to use fun wrapping paper, as it is easier than cutting and piecing together bits of paper.  You can glue it if you like, but if you want to reuse the same box, it will come off easier with tape.  Make one or several boxes for nurturing your mate.  

Husbands, one idea for your wife would be: bubble bath, lotion, candles, etc., for a relaxing soak in the tub. Wives, another idea is a man box: hot sauce, beef jerky, even masculine-scented candles and body wash for his own soothing bath.   Another idea is to have a box premade with items for when one of you is ill such as filling it with tissues, cough drops, flu medicine, tea bags, Jell-O and pudding mixes, snuggly socks, soup (you can use the dry versions of soup if the cans make the box too heavy), etc.  Another idea is a baking or cooking box for a specific recipe (or even just a cookbook if you don’t have one recipe in mind).  You can include some of the nonperishable items such as spices, herbs, baking chips, and include a spatula, whisk, or even a potholder.  Or plan a fun day trip box for a way to de stress and include a map, fun road trip snacks, guidebooks, etc.  Other box suggestions are: romance, hobby, favorite foods, seasonal, spiritual, cheering up, congratulations, etc.  The ideas are endless, so be creative and have fun!  If you are making multiple boxes, you may want to label them or choose a paper (or stickers) that fits the theme, so you know which box is which.

Week 27: Never Short Video

 

Week 27: Never Short Video

Week 27: Negative Generational Chains Art Project

 

Week 27: Negative Generational Chains Art Project

Oops, sorry for the really bad hair day, LOL!!  But after posting this week about not having a negative self-image, I guess I shouldn't care that my hair looks super messy!  Lesson to self! 

Week 27: Negative Generational Chains & Negative Self-Image

 Fun Activity This Week:  Nickel-and-Dime it this week.  Only buy what is necessary and put what you save in a can (or in a savings account) for a special occasion or donate to charity. 

Week 27: Negative Generational Chains & Negative Self-Image

Negative Generational Chains:  By now, you should know I do not beat around the bush.  I write on tough topics because, one, I write what God lays on my heart, no matter how difficult the subject, and two, I hope to challenge people to examine their marriages and fix what needs to be fixed.  This week's topic is no exception.  Every time I pray whether or not to include this issue, I feel I should.  God wants us all to learn to break the negative generational chains holding us back. This is not about playing the blame game, holding grudges, or being judgmental of other people's flaws, it is only about learning to identity your own negative traits that may stem from your past, and learning to heal from them.

Before we are even old enough to consider getting married, we think we know what marriage is supposed to look like based on the way we see our parents treating one another.  For some, they see a wonderful and loving example of parents who are united as one and treat each other with true love and respect.  They see how serving God in marriage as a partnership can work.  However, good marital examples are a rarity and using your parents as an example of how to treat your spouse is not necessarily a good thing.  In some cases, it can sour those against ever wanting to get married, and/or it can create many generations of abusive spouses.  However, I am here to tell you that you are not either one of your parents (or stepparents, or whoever raised you). You can break the generational chains of disrespect, infidelity, drunkenness, abandonment, abuse, and so on.

If you saw your mother rolling her eyes at your father when he asked her not to wear short skirts and low-cut tops, chances are you will do the same.  If you saw your father disappear for hours on end to go drinking at the bar, you are probably following his lead.   Yet you do not have to follow your parents' bad examples.  I have seen many models of bad marriages, and I was determined never to act that way toward my husband.  I try very hard to be a Biblical wife, treat my husband with the utmost respect, and allow him to be the leader of our home.  I will never be a perfect wife, and I always have more to learn, but my stubborn streak pays off when it comes to being determined to be a good wife.

(Exodus 34: 6-8) And the Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth,  keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the sin of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation.” So Moses made haste and bowed his head toward the earth, and worshiped.  

These are tricky verses.  I had to re-read it several times and asked Mel to give me his thoughts.  One family can carry on a very negative tradition of sins such as alcoholism, drug abuse, molestation, pornography addiction, etc.  But if even one person in that family (such as yourself) repents and changes his ways, he will instantly be forgiven and will not have to carry the weight of the sins of countless generations before him. 

I knew a woman who was afraid to get married for many years because her mother could not stay faithful to her father.  She was terrified that she would carry this same generational chain and that she would not be capable of fidelity.  She decided she would rather stay single than get married and wound a man as deeply as she saw her father injured.  She told me it was not until she fell in love on such a deep level, that she finally knew beyond the shadow of any doubt, that she would never cheat on him.  It is that kind of intense love that drives her to purity.  She is 100% committed to her husband and will always be so.  She still prays that God will always keep her marriage pure because she cannot succeed on her own.  With God's help combined with her own sincere love, she knows she has broken the negative generational chains of infidelity. 

There are many examples I could point out where children are afraid of being like their parents.  And worse yet, are just like them.  However, do not ever use the excuse that you are an abuser just because your mother or father was.  My father's mother was very abusive, and his father abandoned the family when my dad was seven years old.  He found Jesus at around age 13 and was determined to live for and serve Jesus. Though not perfect, my father was a loving dad.  Therefore, with help from the Holy Spirit, He broke the negative generational chains of abuse and abandonment.

No matter what negative generational sins you are facing, with God's help, you can break those chains.  You cannot just sit around and whine about feeling trapped and guilty; you must take the steps to seek help.  You absolutely can overcome it!   

(2 Kings 14:5-7) Now it happened, as soon as the kingdom was established in his hand, that he executed his servants who had murdered his father the king.  But the children of the murderers he did not execute, according to what is written in the Book of the Law of Moses, in which the Lord commanded, saying, “Fathers shall not be put to death for their children, nor shall children be put to death for their fathers; but a person shall be put to death for his own sin."

Although some people do have violent sins in their family’s past, I am not writing about murder, but these verses show that we are not to bare the guilt of our parents' sins.  If your father molested a child, for example, you are not to be punished for his crime.  Even if such thoughts disgust you and you have no inclination ever to harm a child, you could still be suffering guilt for what your parent did.  Let those that are sinners bare their own guilt and punishment; that is not your job.   

There are no excuses for sin, so stop using your heritage or DNA as a crutch.  Break the chains of negative generational sins.  It is never too late and with God’s help, you can be the model husband or wife God intended! 

Negative Self-Image:  Mel and I pretty much live in blissful happiness. The sun is always shining, the birds are always singing, and we are crazy in love. Yes, life is truly wonderful, but neither one of us claims perfection. We both have many flaws, and at least one we can easily admit we have in common: we both have a negative self-image. These insecurities have been the source for 80% of our tiffs. I am not saying we have very many fights, because we only have a few here and there.  I am saying that the few times we do, this is the basis for it. Mostly because one of us has misunderstood what the other was saying or misinterpreted an action. Rather than communicating right away, we let our insecurity create an imaginary offense and felt hurt. Luckily, we know each other very well, and can quickly tell when the other is upset. Even when one of us says we are okay when we are not, we ultimately talk about what caused hurt feelings. Even when we are angry and want to retreat, we will eventually talk things through.

I am not going to write about the specifics of our disagreements because they are private, but I will say that one of my insecurities (and believe me, I have several), has to do with my looks. My husband is so complementary and gazes at me with such love in his eyes, and yet, whenever there is a beautiful woman in view, I feel like the dog-faced girl. All the insecurities I have about my body, my thin hair, and crooked teeth all weigh me down like a wet wool sweater. I cannot see the truth staring me down in Mel’s beautiful blue and green eyes that he adores me and only me. I fully trust that he will always be faithful, and that is not the issue, but just feeling ugly in the presence of the man I am so crazy about makes me shrink away and put up walls. Of course, as soon as we talk things through, I am back to normal.

All the wasted energy spent on feeling upset about an imaginary issue would be easily solved if I could let go of my own vanity and fully embrace Mel’s acceptance of me. He tells me often how beautiful he thinks I am and how much he loves me. I know it is still sometimes hard to believe that someone as amazing as Mel would truly love me, but he does. I know he does. I would not have married him if I did not believe it. I just need to let the truths of Mel’s love envelop me like a big, fluffy bathrobe.

Bottom line on this issue is for all of us to learn to let go of whatever insecurities may be keeping us from fully accepting our spouse’s love and not to place our doubts on our honey’s shoulders. It is not fair to make someone else responsible for something he/she had nothing to do with. It will also reduce the amount of tension we may create with each other.

I know in my case that the next time I feel hurt by something my husband says or does, I am going to ask myself, “Does this truly reflect the way Mel sees me? Would he really think such a thing I am assuming he is thinking? Am I putting unsaid words in his mouth? Or is my insecurity causing me to hear what had never been said?  Do I trust in his love?” I know the answer to the last question will always be yes, and that will open up more time for snuggles and less time for struggles!

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

Negative Generational Chains:  Art Project Option: Make an actual chain out of paper.  I would recommend any color of plain paper this time, but even patterned paper will do.  Cut out strips and write on the separate strips all you would consider to be negative generational chains.  Include even things you may think of as a minor such as swearing, critical attitude, disrespecting spouse, etc., as well as the major issues such as infidelity, abuse, pornography, theft, alcoholism, etc. Now tape or glue the strips into loops and link them together to form a chain.  I am sure you did this as a child!  I really hope you both choose to do this project because I would like for you to pray over this list with your mate and pray that God will help you both find the victory over these generational chains.  Then tear the chain apart.  Rip each link into shreds (or you could even safely burn them) as a sign that your negative generational chains are gone for good!    

On an additional note: this is also a good time for healing and focusing on forgiving any wrongs your parent(s) (or other anyone else who raised you) caused you intentionally or unintentionally. Do not wait for anyone to ask to be forgiven, you are not responsible for the condition of other's hearts, but only your own. Forgive just as Jesus forgives you!

Negative Self-Image:  Make an effort this week to learn to accept every compliment given to you by your sweetie.  If your hubby tells you that you look great without makeup, do not roll your eyes and tell him he’s blind.  If your wife tells you that you are sexy, do not pat your belly and tell her you need to lose weight.  Instead, learn to say, “Thank you, honey!”  Train your brain to trust the one you married truly believes you are beautiful/handsome!