Week 18: Internet & Introspective

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Write each other an invitation for something special.  Be creative!  It can be as simple as time uninterrupted in the bedroom, to more complicated such as an entire evening or day of planned entertainment.

 

Week 18: Internet & Introspective

 

Internet:  This is going to be brief because I will say more on the topic of pornography later on, and I previously addressed being accountable in the areas of Facebook and other social media sites.  What I would like to add is that the Internet could be a wonderful tool used to serve the Lord alone or as a couple.  Writing blogs, starting a Facebook and/or YouTube ministry page (or other source) and simply sharing scriptures with family and friends are all great ways to minister for Christ.

On the flip side, the Internet is also a weapon of mass destruction.  It destroys marriages and souls.  If there are any web sites you feel you cannot view with your spouse sitting next to you, then that is a clear indicator that you should not be viewing it at all.  Would you view it if Jesus was sitting next to you?  Well, guess what, your spouse may not be ever-seeing or all-knowing, but God is!

(Jeremiah 23:24) Can anyone hide himself in secret places, so I shall not see him?” says the Lord; “Do I not fill heaven and earth?” says the Lord.  

Set a time limit for computer time. I have known too many people who spend their spare time on-line when they could be interacting with their mate.  Games and research can be fun, but not at the expense of a relationship with your loved one.  I am not saying taking down time to de-stress on the Internet is wrong. Mel and I each have our own blogs and Facebook pages and work independently on them.  However, even when working on different projects or even just playing games, we still take time out to interact in-between (or even in the midst of) tasks.  We are not strangers sitting side by side; we still chat, flirt, and discuss what we are working on.  Simply stated, do not become so engrossed in personal playtime, that your mate feels like last place in your priorities.

 

Introspective:  Take time out to ponder seriously over what you could be doing to be a better spouse.  Pray over these issues and ask God to reveal what you need to change.  In addition, ask your partner for honest feedback and do not use this time to fight, but to listen and do all you can to make changes.  These issues can be from a simple request of wearing lingerie more often, to having more homemade meals and less frozen ones, to changing how you make fun of him/her in front of your friends, etc. This is not a time to be demanding or a bully, but to work on communication on where you think improvements can be made within your marriage.  You both need to feel comfortable with all changes discussed and especially make sure they match up with the principles in the Bible.

If you do not want your partner's opinions because your mate can be overly critical, or maybe a little too polite, then, as suggested, still take time for self-examination at least once a month.  What can you do that is more helpful?  What in your marriage do you feel needs work?  This is not the time to play the blame game; this is all about what you are responsible for in making your marriage as good as it can possibly be.  Mel and I often ask each other if there is any area where we can do better.  Sometimes we may bring up an issue, but most of the time we say we are happy with the way our marriage functions. We know the other is not "perfect," but we have also learned to forgive and accept each other's flaws as long as they are not anything that goes against the Bible or causes any undue stress on the other.  Every person will always be a work in progress to be a better person in their marital and spiritual lives, so we all need to keep growing and seeking ways where we can be the best blessing to our honey as well as to others as we seek to reflect the love and principles of Jesus Christ. 

This means that it is also a good idea as a couple to ask yourselves how you can improve in your spiritual walk.  Could you spend more time in prayer and worship, read The Bible more often, give up ungodly entertainment, etc.?  As with marriage, there is always room for improvement in our walks with God and we should never cease wanting to make it better.

Anyone who knew me prior to 2012 would have seen I had a faith in God, but I was not as spiritual as I could have been.  I laughed at some filthy jokes, watched movies and television shows filled with violence, sex, and occultism, and talked about people behind their backs.  I knew I needed more than my own desire to be a better person.  Number one, I needed the Holy Spirit to help me change. I also needed a strong, spiritual man to pray and grow with me, not one who would justify my bad choices.

I wrote a list in 2006 asking God for specifics in what I wanted in the man I would marry.  It is amazing that Mel fits that exact list, even in physical description!  I want to focus on part of one paragraph I wrote six years before I met Mel: "Spirituality: This is the most important. This I absolutely will not compromise on: He must be a Christian.  I want someone who has a fire in his belly for God that will help challenge my faith and we will help each other’s spiritual walk grow.  We will have awesome spiritual discussions, and our marriage will be extremely Christ-based." 

Since I have been married to Mel, he has truly been a wonderful influence on me.  I am a much calmer person than I was fourteen years ago.  He is not a bully but has gently helped me realize what things in my life were a hindrance not only to my spiritual walk, but to my personality as well. And, I have done the same for him.  We have encouraged each other to given up all forms of entertainment that have any aspect of witchcraft in them, are violent, sexual in nature, or have profanity in them.  I want to number one please God, but I also very much want to please Mel and make him proud to be my husband. That alone makes it easy to want to do what is right.

Asking God will change you is one thing, being willing to change is a completely different animal entirely! Do not just say, “God has been dealing with me on...”  and continue in sin. You have to actually change your behavior, not just feel guilt over doing what you know hurts others. Our daily prayers are honestly and humbly, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit,” (Psalm 51:10-12) and then eliminating the areas in our lives we feel are stumbling blocks. Prayer is not passive; it is being active and proactive. Moreover, so is marriage.  It is actively helping your mate change where he/she feels he/she needs it. 

Let me just clarify that too. Helping your mate be introspective is not an excuse to be critical.  I see too many spouses correct their mate for things like bad grammar usage, how to drive, etc.  This is genuine change that needs to take place such as alcoholism, gambling, gossiping, lying, etc. 

 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

 

Internet:  Unless it is for work or an emergency, pretend the World Wide Web does not exist at least for one day, all weekend, or even for the entire week.  Do not substitute Facebook (or other social media outlets) for texting or you are missing the point of this exercise.  Exchange the time you would usually give to the Net with time spent with your mate. If he/she is at work when you are usually on-line, then find something else to do.  Read, enjoy a hobby, or try a new recipe for dinner that you have wanted to try but have been too busy to attempt.  The point is to let the world pass you by and let it revolve around you and your mate instead.

Art Project Idea:  Although I just suggested you take a break from the Internet for one or more days, you can do this without being connected to the Web.  Create something on the computer that you and your mate can show off on his/her (or preferably your combined) social media page, blog(s), or just to e-mail to friends after you complete your Internet break.  You can embellish a photograph with some loving words or write a poem and interpose it onto a fancy background.  Be creative but fight the urge to use an existing design someone else made and simply sharing it.  Make it personal and put some time and effort into it to show off how much you love your soul mate. 

I will show you a few of my ideas in my next post.  By the way, you do not need a fancy computer program; I simply used a combination of Microsoft Publisher and the Paint program that is standard on most computers to insert the backgrounds, photos, words, hearts, etc.   The other thing I have done more than once (and you can do it too!) is using a set of themed pictures (such as wedding or a special event/location) and add romantic music to it and play a slide show for Mel.

Note: If you do not know how to create designs on a computer, no problem!  You can create something off the computer and take a photo of it to share with your friends & family.

 

Introspective:  Ask each other the hard questions this week such as, “Where do you think I need to improve in my walk with the Lord?” and, “How can I be a better partner?”  Do not be on the defensive to the answers and take the time to listen and try to improve in the areas suggested.  When it is your turn to answer the questions, do not be critical, but offer up the truth in love.  

Week 17: Fun Activity for Eating Ice Cream

 

 

Week 17: Fun Activity for Eating Ice Cream

This week's fun activity is to have ice cream together and try each other's flavor.

We are trying to do better with our sugar intake, so we chose the ice cream in the photo, although the cones are not low sugar as I thought, just considered "diet." Oh well, LOL!  We purchased the ice cream bowls in 2013.

Week 17: Indulge Short Video

 

Week 17: Indulge Short Video

Week 17: Intelligence Art Project

 

 

Week 17: Intelligence Art Project

This week's art project options are:

Art Project Option #1:  If you are learning a new skill together, create a graduation ceremony of sorts when the lessons (or first stage of lessons) are completed.  Create diplomas, decorate with streamers, and make a banner celebrating your joint accomplishments.  You could even take it a step farther and create fun award certificates for “sexiest student,” “cutest pupil,” etc.  If you like, include homemade treats as part of your ceremony, such as cookies or a cake you can decorate with words of congratulations.    

 Art Project Option #2: I am including 2 options since the money for lessons or other resources may make it difficult to learn a new skill. You can instead make any award to celebrate a quality you admire in your spouse.  You choose the theme and present it to your spouse in whatever way you choose. I know this seems very vague, but you know what to celebrate about your partner and so have fun coming up with ideas!

I chose art project option #2 this week.  I simply purchased a pre-made birthday ribbon from the $1 store and added my own label to it.  Of course, you can make your project as simple or complicated as you so choose. I just though the store-bought ribbon with the pin looked better than I could have made. 

I realize I did not follow my own theme of this week's project by using the word endurance for Mel's award, as it technically does not relate to intelligence or the letter I.  But I chose this theme because, as much as I admire my hubby's brainpower, I love his strong spirit even more. So, of course, you also can use whatever quality you most admire and can just ignore the letter I or the theme of intelligence if you so choose!

Here is the letter I wrote (and read to Mel) when I presented him with his award:

The Endurance Award

My Darling Mel,

This award is to represent what you are the best of or best at.  The obvious awards to grant you would be for being the best husband, best lover, best friend, and overall best man.  I wanted to go beyond the obvious and explore all you are as Mel, or more specifically, (I listed his first, middle, and last name here).

Thinking about your entire life, I knew the best award to give you had to be the “Endurance Award.”  There are several layers to this award.

At the tender age of eleven, you were forced to endure the first major tragedy of your young life, the death of your beloved father, Paul.  Not only did you face your own heartache, but had to watch your sweet mother, Marie, suffer as a widow.  Financially, times were tough.  Emotionally, the grief would always hold a place in your heart for the loving father that never got to see the man his son became.  Spiritually, you have become your father’s son.  In spite of his absence, Paul left a lasting legacy of spiritual strength and wisdom in the characters you now possess.

Losing your dad was hard enough, but you also had to endure a condition with no cure.  Your body betrayed you with Tourette’s Syndrome, forcing you to suffer with pain, exhaustion, and worse still, rejection from those who did not care enough to understand your torment.  Being the man you are, you face this syndrome with grace and strength.  You push forward and do your best not to complain.  Lesser people become bitter over lesser conditions, but you are a loving, tender-hearted man, who has learned to be humble and patient, in spite of it all.

For most, either the loss of a parent or a non-curable condition would be more than enough to endure.  Unfortunately, life was not done dealing its devastating blows.  Just twenty years after the death of your dad, your devoted mother, Marie, left this world to join to her beloved Paul.  For Marie, I am certain this was a joyous occasion as she had grieved her true love for two decades and they were now reunited.  Even better, she was finally meeting the Jesus she had faithfully served.  However, for you, the loss of your kind mother was unadulterated tragedy.  She also would leave an unfillable hole in your heart.  Yet, also like your father, Marie’s strong faith in Christ left a shining example to her beloved sons, and you knew to cling to the robes of Christ rather than push away.

I wish I did not have to add more to this sad tale, but you know as well as I, that you were about to face two more earth-shattering losses.  First came the devastating death of your only sibling, Larry.  Your older brother had been such a good friend, as well as a surrogate father, and many memories are still painful. 

While still in mourning for your brother’s sudden death, just nine months later, your first love, partner and friend passed away.  The one you had planned to spend forever with.  So many plans made together were now devastated as you were now facing the death of your first wife, Kim.

How much more, Lord, must this faithful child of yours be forced to endure?  Well, a little over two years later, the nephew you were closest to, Bob, who was like another brother, suddenly died as well.  Grief overtook your world again.

The beauty of the “Endurance Award” is that it has a lot more to do with than just what you have had to endure in the area of tragedy and hardships.  It celebrates whom you have become, in spite of all the tears you have been forced to cry.

You are choosing to fight the good fight of faith, and you are choosing to endure to the end.  You are an obedient servant to Christ and readily preach the gospel, spread the message of holy living, and share your dreams and visions.  You press forward in spite of criticisms and rejections.  You write and share what God wants you to share and write.  You are brave, bold, strong, and willing to be used by Christ.

Have you had moments of doubt?  Of course!  Anyone would.  In fact, most would have fallen away many, many years ago.  But you have endured in strength, spirituality, and in character.

Had you wallowed in self-pity and not forced yourself to get up each day and see daylight, I would have lost out on the most precious gift of my life.  I am grateful you have an enduring heart and allowed yourself to heal and love again.  I am so grateful you opened your heart up to me and made me the happiest woman alive by giving me the privilege of being your wife!

Thank you for choosing life.  Thank you for listening to God’s Voice.  Thank you for enduring.

I hereby grant you with this, the “Endurance Award.”

Love Forever,

Julie   

Week 17: In-Laws & Intelligence

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Have ice cream together and enjoy each other’s flavor! (You can enjoy any dessert; I chose ice cream because it is one of my favorite desserts and it coordinates with the letter I!)

Week 17: In-Laws & Intelligence

In-Laws:  Let’s face it, in-laws can either be a wonderful asset to a marriage, or a huge detriment.  While we cannot control the behavior of our parents, there are several rules we can follow to make certain in-laws are a delight and not a disaster.  Just to be clear, this is not about saying anything against either Mel's parents or mine, nor is this week about insulting anyone. I am also not telling you to disrespect your elders. This week is all about presenting another good tip for keeping your marriage joyful. Setting healthy boundaries actually promotes harmony and joy rather than anger and resentment. (This writing is about parental in-laws but could also be about sibling in-laws if that applies to your marriage.)

When Genesis 2:24 says that you and your spouse become one, please note the first part of the verse mentions leaving your family, “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”  Yet too often parents are allowed to interfere in their children’s marriages.  Therefore, these verses were not written as a whim; God was serious when He said we must leave our parents and cling to our mate.  This verse was obviously not written for Adam and Eve, as they had no earthly parents to leave; God clearly said these words for the sake of all future generations to the end of this world. 

Even well-intentioned parents can cause problems in a marriage by assuming a newly married couple needs constant advice.  They are not being intentionally cruel, just unaware of how their interference is Biblically wrong.  However, you are an adult when you marry, and you need to stop relying on mamma and papa to tell you what to do.  If they raised you right then you can follow their good examples for a happy, healthy marriage.  If not, then you can use all their bad examples for how not to conduct your marriage.  Truly, it is that simple!  The first time you call a parent to complain about your mate, you undermine your spouse and are allowing hard feelings to exist.  Even after you have long forgiven the issue, your parents will most likely still be thinking ill of your mate.

I am not saying all in-laws need to be held at arm’s length.  You can have a great relationship with them when they respect that you are adults and treat you as equals.  Spending time with in-laws can be quite enjoyable.  Afterall, I am talking about family, and I would never encourage anyone to not spend time with family as long as they treat you and your mate with love and respect.  Just know your boundaries on both sides and always put your honey first.

I adore my in-laws.  Mel’s father Paul and mother Marie are the perfect example of a loving, successful, Godly marriage.  They are mentors to me, and I love them.  Yet, sadly, all I know about them is through a series of photographs and memories my husband shares with me.  Paul passed away in 1976 from a brain tumor, and Marie died in 1996 from heart issues complicated by diabetes.  I often wish I could have long, meaningful conversations with them.  I want to thank them for the gift of Mel and for raising the "perfect" son.  I miss them without having met them.  Additionally, Mel can also say he loves his in-laws, (my parents and stepparents), as they have showed love to Mel as a son.

The sad truth is, too many parents find it difficult to let go of their children even well into middle age.  When a parent becomes too meddlesome, quarrelsome, and critical, you very well may need a separation, either temporarilly or permanently.  God wants us to love and forgive all who cause us hurt, but do not feel guilty for placing your spouse above an over-bearing parent, as this is exactly as God commanded.  You are to stand bold for your marriage above everyone else.  Remember, God said the two become one, not three, four, or more. 

With divorces so prevalent, it is quite common that between the two of you, you may have as many as eight parents to deal with (four by birth and four stepparents) and this can overwhelm a marriage, especially come holiday time.  But relax and put your and your mate’s needs first.  You can always create a rotating schedule for which family members are visited when.  However, I know from reports from friends, that at least one parent always gets their feelings hurt because it is difficult to create a schedule that makes everyone happy.  If you cannot all spend a holiday together as one big, blended family, my opinion is to spend holidays with just the two of you (and underage children of course but respect your adult kids need for space as needed) and visit relatives throughout the year at non-obligated times. Less stress and less hurt feelings equal more fun and more bonding with relatives when you can relax and not worry that someone is feeling neglected.

Intelligence:  One of the many things I had asked God for when praying for a husband was that he would be a man of intelligence.  I am very attracted to a man with a brain much more so than brawn.  Mel is far too humble to admit it, but he is very intelligent.  His IQ is above the genius level, and he is very knowledgeable on numerous subjects.  Mel is the perfect package as he is both handsome and smart!

Some people are put off by intelligence, but I cannot figure out why.  The best I can assume is that they are insecure and a smarty makes them feel inadequate.  There is nothing wrong with having a lower IQ than your mate, or a higher one.  Rejoice in the amount of intelligence God chose to give each of you.

I mentioned earlier that I was a veterinary technician, but before that, I worked in law enforcement for seven years.  I was a police dispatcher for nearly three years, then transferred to the office as a Community Service Officer (a civilian job that consists of a lot of paperwork as well as helping in the field as needed) and ended my last year as a Crime Analyst (I analyzed crime statistics, and was not a crime scene investigator).  Both veterinary medicine and law enforcement required many years of training; I never stopped learning.  My point is that we should treat our marriages with the same enthusiasm as learning a new skill.  Not just about each other as I stated ten weeks ago, but also learning with each other. 

Teach each other all you know about all you know.  Teacher, do not be arrogant or condescending.  Pupil, be an eager student and ask many questions.  If you disagree, be respectful, and do your research together if one of you insists on being proven right.

Now, even more fun, learn something new together, and encourage each other’s intelligence.  If you are the faster learner, do not gloat, but be supportive.  If you are the slower learner, do not resent your mate or give up and be a spoilsport.  The point is just to have fun and find a new way to bond.     

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

In-Laws:  If you are having any issues with your in-laws, use this week as an opportunity to speak to your spouse about it.  Sincerely listen to all your mate has to say and remember Genesis 2:24 to cling to your soul mate, and to leave mama and papa behind.  There is nothing wrong with dialing back time spent with any family member, especially if you are using them as a crutch or they are using you.  Anyone who truly supports your marriage will respect the decision to focus more on your marriage and less on the lives of the parents or in-laws (as mentioned above, this could also include sibling in-laws). 

Make sure to communicate with the in-laws that you feel may be crossing a line.  Give them the opportunity to correct the problem in attempt to salvage the relationship rather than just give up.  Remember, they may not be being purposefully interfering, and a simple reminder can save a lot of hard feelings later on.  However, if all attempts to communicate fail to produce positive results, take a break to send a clear message until the offenders can learn to treat you and your partner with more respect.  But, as I said, I would never discourage time with family, so make it a temporary break and try again later, even if it takes several breaks to work out all the kinks. Time is short and precious, so it is better to co-exist happily with all issues settled than be apart because you are afraid to communicate. Remember, God expects us to forgive one another without limit!

On the other hand, I would also encourage you to use this week to celebrate those in-laws with whom you have a good relationship.  Invite them over or take them out to dinner and let them know how much you appreciate their love and support of your marriage.  If you live in separate states, send them a card, give them a call, and/or send a small gift (if you can afford it) as a token of your appreciation. 

Intelligence:  Encourage each other’s intelligence!  Play a mentally challenging game together or go to a museum and lovingly listen to all he/she can tell you about the displays and artifacts (or view museums on-line).  Do not correct a fact you may think is wrong but just have fun.  Learn a new skill together such as a new language, playing an instrument, cooking classes, etc.  Art Project Option #1:  If you are learning a new skill together, create a graduation ceremony of sorts when the lessons (or first stage of lessons) are completed.  Create diplomas, decorate with streamers, and make a banner celebrating your joint accomplishments.  You could even take it a step farther and create fun award certificates for “sexiest student,” “cutest pupil,” etc.  If you like, include homemade treats as part of your ceremony, such as cookies or a cake you can decorate with words of congratulations.    Art Project Option #2: I am including 2 options since the money for lessons or other resources may make it difficult to learn a new skill. You can instead make any award to celebrate a quality you admire in your spouse.  You choose the theme and present it to your spouse in whatever way you choose. I know this seems very vague, but you know what to celebrate about your partner and so have fun coming up with ideas!

Week 16: Fun Activity for Going on a Hike

 

 

Week 16: Fun Activity for Going on a Hike

This week's fun activity is to go for a hike.  Mel, our dog Dresden, and I hiked this trail near our house. We like to go here often as we can walk to it from the house and save gas!  We all had a great hike!

Week 16: Hero Short Video

 

Week 16: Hero Short Video

Note: I recorded this video in 2020 and, as I previously mentioned, I had 2 cancer surgeries in 2023. My husband Mel continues to be my hero and my support as it was a very difficult time not only while facing the fears of cancer, but I also had a very long recovery process due to the extensive second surgery. Mel has never abandoned me or threatened to walk away through the cancer or the Multiple Sclerosis-type issues I face. In turn, Mel says I am also his hero as he deals with his own neurological disorder, and I never will abandon him and only do my best to learn more about his condition and help him as much as I can. And, of course, we praise God, because without Jesus, the ultimate Hero, we couldn't get through it all!

Week 16: Holiness Art Project

 

Week 16: Holiness Art Project

The art project option this week is:  To show that you are both committed to serving the Lord in holiness, create a piece of art using Joshua 24:15, As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.  There are several ways in which you can do this:  Make a scrapbook page using photos of your family (include kids and even pets) with the scripture verse prominently displayed.  You can also draw your family or just print the words from the computer.  If you can sew, you can embroider or cross-stitch the verse with or without a house and/or people that represent your household.  Frame and display where all your family can enjoy it and be reminded that you choose to follow God and practice the ways of righteousness. 

As you can see by my art project, there are spaces for more photos.  At the time I made this in 2019, we had just moved to a new home and most of our photos were still packed so only half of our cats were represented at that time.  Therefore, I had left space for when I finished unpacking photos, as well as in case we got more pets.  We did eventually get two more dogs in 2020 and the cats in our family have changed due to deaths and later new cats (we currently have 2 dogs and 3 cats), but I ended up just keeping the project as it was originally made.  Someday I will make a new one to represent our current animal family! (I realize that pets do not actually "serve the Lord," - as mentioned in Joshua above - but they are still a part of our hearts and therefore our "house.")