Week 16: Holiness & Honesty

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Go hiking together!  Pack a picnic and enjoy a day outside.  No place to go? Just have an indoor picnic (Even if doesn’t match the letter “H”, LOL!).  If it’s the wrong time of year, you can save this one for later.  Mel and I have been hiking in all sorts of crazy weather, so even when snow or rain is pouring on your heads, it can still be fun but just be safe and avoid slippery areas. If you can't find a place to hike such as any wooded area or hillside, just "hike" around your neighborhood. Wherever you choose, be safe. If it's a remote location, let others know where you are going and when to expect you back.   

Week 16: Holiness & Honesty

Holiness:  The absolute best way to assure a joyful marriage is to practice the principles of The Bible. When you both strive to live holy lives, you will be more likely to have a peaceful marriage. 

In today's modern church, pastors have quit preaching lessons of repentance and holiness.  I am not saying every single pastor out there is preaching a lukewarm message, but sadly, the majority are.  They are preaching feel-good sermons that are putting the church to sleep, and in turn, are harming marriages. 

(Ephesians 5:8-14) For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness... Therefore He says: "Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will give you light." 

A popular message of the church is that grace means you never need to worry about your sinful habits.  However, refusing to be accountable for your actions is detrimental to your marriage.  Yes, God is absolutely full of mercy, love, and grace, but we must ask for forgiveness, repent of our sins, give up habitual sins, and make the daily decision to continue to walk down paths of righteousness.  The free gift of salvation begins with the "sinner’s prayer," but does not end there.  It is the beginning of a wonderful walk with the Lord, but, as with any relationship, we must nurture it and work at producing good fruit.  

It is true that Christ accepts us as we are, and He gave His life on the cross for our sins so we can have eternal life.  Yet it is also true that, though we may come just as we are with all our faults, God expects us to change.  Jesus is a loving Father who readily forgives our sins as long as our repentance is sincere, and we do not continue to live in sin.  He is holy and it is His desire that we live holy lives if we are to follow Him.  That does not mean we have to be perfect, but we must seek out to destroy our sinful nature.

So how do we strive for holiness in marriage?  Studying God's Word daily is a wonderful start (or at a bare minimum, once a week outside of church).  Really devouring what you read and making sure you understand it will help you avoid falling for false teachings.  When you know what The Bible says on a certain subject, then you are less apt to fall for false doctrines. 

I never want you to take my word for anything.  Study on your own.  I am overly logical and highly skeptical on most subjects; I always want second and third opinions on everything. Many cunning and manipulative people will try to force or trick you to believe their way is the only way.  I am not one of those people.  God's way is the only way, so read His words, and really let them sink in. Pray before and/or after you read The Bible and/or attend church, that God will reveal His Truths to you. 

Honesty:  You may think it is no big deal to tell your wife you loved the new recipe she tried when you actually hated it.  However, it is unfair to lie, even over the little things. Soon it will be easier and easier to be dishonest, and the small things turn into much more harmful issues.  Of course, you should always use tact and not be insulting. Although I appreciate his politeness, I always ask Mel to be honest when he does not like my cooking, so I do not waste my time and ingredients making it again. P.S.  If your mate is so unreasonable that he/she will throw a temper tantrum if you do not like what was prepared, this is an issue that requires help, maybe even professionally!  

There is never any excuse to lie to your spouse, and you will always end up with a mess on your hands.  You may justify your actions saying the truth hurts worse, or you are just sparing feelings.  We have all been lied to, and I can guarantee the lie never hurt less because the deceiver’s motivations were to keep me from getting hurt.  The ugly truth is that when people use that excuse, the only people they are attempting to protect are themselves!  As soon as the sin is exposed to the light, the pain of being lied to often hurts more than the truth.  Just one lie can ruin trust in a relationship.  You can forgive the action of dishonesty, but you will find yourself wondering for a long time after if he/she is telling you the truth or if he/she a master manipulator. This is very unhealthy for a marriage.  The obvious solution is for you not to lie to your mate.  All the negative things you think about when your mate lies, he/she will be certain to think of you.

Putting it bluntly, when you lie, you show your spouse disrespect, and you are basically saying you do not love your partner enough to tell him/her the truth.  Do you really want to convey the message to your mate that you do not love him/her enough to be honest?

If you have a chronic problem with being honest, please pray and ask the Holy Spirit to cleanse you of this habitual and damaging sin.  You may even need to seek counseling to get to the heart of why you have such a compulsion to lie.  Being dishonest can permanently damage any relationship in marriage, so please take this issue very seriously.  If you are willing to lie about whether or not you liked a dish your wife made to spare her feelings, you very well may graduate to bigger and bigger tales right down to whether or not you are attracted to someone else, and you may even find it no big deal to hide a flirtation or an affair.  Dishonesty can be fatal in marriage.  Get rid of this sin before it kills your relationship altogether!

(Psalm 34:13) Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit. 

Also to consider, keeping secrets from your mate is another form of dishonesty.  Unless you are planning a good surprise, it is wrong to keep secrets.  We have had more than one friend that would say things behind my back to Mel and then say to him, “Don’t tell Julie I said that.”  Because Mel and I do not keep secrets, it never worked because he always told me each and everything said behind my back and vice versa.  The only reason to keep a secret is to cover something you know is wrong.  If a friend tells one of you to keep something from your mate (again, unless it is for a good surprise), tell them that you never withhold anything from one another.  If it is something confidential just be honest with that person that you will tell your mate, but that he/she will indeed keep their confidence as well.  The only exception to that rule is if you work for a company where you have to legally keep things only within the company such as a law or medical profession, so know I would never encourage you to break the laws of breaching confidently. 

(Mark 4:22) For there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light. 

 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

 

Holiness:  Pray David’s Prayer in Psalm 139:23 together, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  Make this a week of prayerful reflection and repentance, asking God where you can improve in ways of holiness.  Be accountable to one another and help each other in areas that need work.

Art Project Option:  To show that you are both committed to serving the Lord in holiness, create a piece of art using Joshua 24:15, As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.  There are several ways in which you can do this:  Make a scrapbook page using photos of your family (include kids and even pets) with the scripture verse prominently displayed.  You can also draw your family or just print the words from the computer.  If you can sew, you can embroider or cross-stitch the verse with or without a house and/or people that represent your household.  Frame and display where all your family can enjoy it and be reminded that you choose to follow God and practice the ways of righteousness. 

Honesty:  Is there anything you have been keeping from your mate?  Now is the time to have that serious talk.  Pray first and ask God to direct your words and ask that your spouse will have an open and forgiving heart.  Too afraid to speak eye-to-eye, it is okay to write a letter.  Without getting on the defensive, allow him/her to respond as he feels the need.  If you are on the receiving end, remember to be gracious and forgiving.

Week 15: Hope Short Video

Week 15: Hope Short Video 

Note: I recorded this around 6 years ago, but I still fully believe that hope in the Lord will help us get through any circumstance, whether the situation changes or not. When I went through 2 cancer surgeries in 2023, it was knowing that no matter the outcome, that the Lord loved me and would get me and my husband through the tough pathways. That hope brought much peace and joy during a physically and emotionally difficult time. And praise God, my cancers were diagnosed as synchronous (which is extremely rare) and declared as stage 1!

Week 15: Healing Art Project

 

Week 15: Healing Art Project

Week 15: Healing & Helpful

Fun Activity This Week: Help out at a charity, such as Habitat for Humanity, The Salvation Army, or any other you so choose. This does not have to include money, but preferably your time.

Week 15: Healing & Helpful

Healing: I have heard experts say we are not to be our spouse's therapist. I disagree. The very first person your spouse should be able to come to when he/she needs help, be it physically or emotionally, is you. If your spouse feels they cannot come to you when they need help, there may be trust issues in your marriage. I fully believe that God, of course, is our number one source of healing and help, but our spouse should absolutely be number two. The only person I want to talk to is Mel because Mel is my best friend, and he is the only one I trust with my all my needs. He is the only one who makes me feel safe with my emotions.

Obviously, some things require a physician or even a psychologist. There is no shame in seeking outside help when the need arises. I am saying, however, that our first instinct when we are sad should not be to run to an outside source for healing, but into our spouse's arms. Moreover, we should be ready and willing to be his/her place of healing. This does not require a degree; it requires love, compassion, and two listening ears. It requires praying for each other every day.

You can help if your spouse has physical needs as well. My husband has a medical condition that causes him pain in his neck and shoulders. One way I try to offer to be his healing place is to give him a massage. If he has stomach issues, I will fix him some rice, oatmeal, tea, or ginger ale. If he has a cold, it is orange juice and homemade chicken soup! You get the idea. I love taking care of him, not as a mother figure, but as a wife who is crazy in love with him and wants to see my husband feeling the best he can. And of course, he can always safely come to me and share when he is feeling discouraged, angry, or melancholy and I will encourage him with prayers, scripture, and praise music.

Do not ever diminish what your spouse is feeling. Do not ever call him/her a "big baby” because you handle physical or emotional pain differently. Be each other’s caretaker and psychologist, and when he/she feels better, you can have some fun playing doctor in a whole new way!

Make your home a place of healing and safety for your mate. Make them want to come to you whether it is for a headache or heartache. Do your very best to follow through and either get a Tylenol or give your shoulder to cry upon.

On the other side, it is also an act of love to allow yourself to be the vulnerable one and ask for your mate’s healing aid. Do not believe the experts that say you will be a burden to your mate if you seek him/her for healing. Afterall, Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

1 John 4:18 states, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." First, God's perfect love is the best solution for casting out fear, which is what this particular verse is about. However, I want to explore perfect, healing love in marriage.

There are so many fears we face in life: death, divorce, financial trouble, poor health, etc., and our fears can often overwhelm us. When a very close family member died in 2012, the loss of her brought to the surface the reality of the possibility of losing my precious Mel. I kept having nightmares of being separated from him. I found myself begging God never to take Mel away from me. I know this is normal. What is also normal is that I tend to keep my feelings bottled inside. I have always been the strong one who suppresses tears and holds the other person's hand while they weep. When you are married, there comes a time to let go and know it is okay to crumble into your honey's arms. That does not make you weak. We are only weak when we do not share our feelings.

On the day before the funeral, at around 2:00 a.m., Mel and I found our emotions bubbling over. We had only been married for 5 months at the time and were still learning the balance of when to be strong and when to cry. We had both been trying so hard to be strong for the other, but we finally let our emotions out and shared all we were feeling. Our perfect love for one another cast out our fears and we were able to honestly communicate and cry together. We felt better emotionally, and our bond grew even stronger. We were each other's healing strength.

You should let your spouse be your therapist. If you are afraid to lean on him/her and make yourself vulnerable, try it anyway. Most husbands want the opportunity to be your rock; they want to be strong for you. Men, most wives will not think less of you if you need to cry on her shoulder. She will be honored that you love and respect her so much you are willing to allow her to hold you up for a change. Any wife who is not willing to be there for her husband needs a serious attitude adjustment!

Mel is my rock and my spiritual leader, yet he is man enough to lean on me when he needs to, and I am willing to let go of past patterns of being an ice princess and open up and make myself vulnerable to my very trustworthy husband. He melted the ice around my heart the day he smiled at me with beautiful dimples, gazed at me with amazing two-tone eyes, and said with the sweetest Missouri-Arkansas accent that he was in love with me!

I want to encourage you to hold each other tight and talk about your fears. You will truly find that a "perfect” healing “love casts out fear." You will feel more bonded, and your fears will even diminish and possibly even disappear. Share your hearts, share your tears, and your love will grow even stronger as you become each other’s healer. You will never feel weak again as long as you trust, love, and lean on each other.

Helpful: Being helpful can mean many things. You can help your spouse by simply taking over what may be considered one of his/her chores. Because I have a neurological condition that causes pain and weakness, Mel will offer to help with the work that strains my back such as vacuuming, putting away the dishes (or any task that requires me to stand on my toes to reach shelves, which can be a lot of help since I am only 5’), and is a big help at the laundromat. This is very helpful, and I greatly appreciate it. Please make sure you thank each other for help, even for the small things.

Be helpful with your attitude as well. As I mentioned in the above section, do not ever diminish what your spouse is feeling. Be a cheerleader and encourage all he/she does. Offer to help in any way you can and then follow through.

Wives, we are called to be our husband's helper. When you truly love your mate, it is not an obligation, but a huge privilege. That does not mean husbands are excluded from being our helpers as well. When we truly love someone, we do our best to make life easier for him or her.

And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." Genesis 2:18

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

Healing: Make a genuine offer to be each other’s therapists this week. Make an effort to spend uninterrupted time together so that you and your mate can get anything off your chests that need to be released.

If your partner has a medical need that you cannot help, encourage a trip to the doctor and go along. Sitting in on the appointment shows support and makes it easier for you to be able to help in your mate’s treatment plan. Whether something simple like a cold, or more major, be your sweetie’s caretaker and help speed up the healing process.

Art Project Option: Present a card to your partner. On the outside draw a heart or make one out of any type of paper. In the middle of the heart, draw a crack. Now cover the crack with a real Band-Aid (or you can draw one). On the inside of the card express how much you appreciate how he/she is your healer. Be specific in recalling actual events where his/her love and support have helped you physically and/or mentally. Alternatively, you could make the inside of the card an offer to be his/her healer.

Helpful: What can you do to unburden your mate this week? Fill the car with gas and/or have it washed. Take over a household or yard chore he/she hates to do. Watch the kids so she can take a nap or long bath, or he can slip out for coffee. If you don’t have the time, or if you can afford to do so, you could even hire a maid, yard worker, dog walker, or buy dinner, etc. The ideas are endless from simple to a little more complicated. If you are on the receiving end, please remember to be gracious and say, “thank you.” Do not criticize if he does not do a specific chore exactly as you would do, or she chooses a different gas station; just appreciate the effort!

Week 14: Being a Grownup Short Video

 Week 14: Being a Grownup Short Video

Note: I recorded this video in 2020.  I know this is not really important, but I just wanted to state that, though I still collect Build-A-Bears, I no longer collect Barbies. We have not gone to a movie since 2015, so we did not see the live action Barbie movie that came out in 2023.  However, after reading that the movie had some pretty immoral issues in it, I quit collecting Barbie dolls.    

Week 14: Growth Art Project

 

Week 14: Growth Art Project

This week's art project is: As a symbol of showing your spouse you are willing to put the time and effort into your marriage to assure growth, create a pot of flowers.  You can simply buy a potted plant (ones that will last a long time) or create a beautiful bouquet that will never die.  Depending on your budget and creative skills, you could buy silk flowers and arrange them yourself, or create ones out of yarn, or even multi-colored and multi-patterned paper (it does not have to be 3-D).  You could use pipe cleaners, yarn, or paper for the stems.  If you like to draw, you could color or paint a beautiful bouquet and frame it.  You can write on the flowers or the pot words that express your commitment.  For example, you could write things such as, “love, romance, commitment, fun,” or “togetherness,” or a phrase such as, “Our love grows more beautiful with every passing day.”   

I used a small packing box for the planter and covered it in scrapbook paper.  The flowers are made from patterned tissue boxes.  The stems are straws covered in the same construction paper I used for the grass.  The middle of the flowers are hard to read, but they say, Friendship, Joy, Loyalty, Romance, & Spirituality.

Week 14: Grip & Growth

 

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Plant an indoor and/or outdoor garden, or volunteer at a community garden.  If this is the wrong time of year, you cannot afford a garden, you do not have the space for it, or you simply are not interested, buy fresh fruits, veggies, and/or herbs from the store and make a special dish with them just to see how much better fresh tastes than canned or dried. 

Week 14: Grip & Growth

 

Grip:  Be careful not to have too tight a grip on your spouse, or it could cause problems. 

Except for the times when I have a job, Mel and I are together twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. This is our choice, and we would not have it any other way. We give each other the freedom to be apart; we simply do not like to be so. We miss each other even if it is only for an hour. However, I would never stand in the way of his alone time.

The first two years we lived in Idaho, one of Mel’s friends worked a hectic schedule and on his days off he wanted to spend time with his family (which he should). Therefore, when he was available, it was generally at the last minute. Sometimes we used to get together as a couple or with their children, but usually it was just the two men. I will admit it could be frustrating when our plans were interrupted without notice, but I never made Mel feel guilty for spending time with his friend. I would never think of tightening my grip by demanding he stay home.

Of course, there is a healthy balance to be realized here.  As I have mentioned before, your marriage partner always comes before anyone and anything else, so be certain your mate gets the biggest portion of your free time.

Mel says he never feels trapped with me and loves our time together. Yet, I also know most people need time away from their spouse (including my very social husband) no matter how much they love each other. Most people need fellowship. Mel needs it more than I do, as I have always been a homebody.  In 2012, Mel went fishing with a group of men from the church and they all had a wonderful time of Christian fellowship. When he came home, his eyes were glowing because he needed that time of refreshing.  He had a wonderful time, and it made me happy to see him so elated! I often pray for Mel to find new Godly friends in our town with whom he can associate.

Some people need friendships and others need that and/or sports, or clubs, or whatever. Unless your mate neglects you so he/she can play, do not nag about a hobby he/she loves. Don’t you want to loosen your grip so your honey can be fulfilled and happy? Again, I realize there is a balance, and I believe family always comes first, but please budget in time for your spouse to have fun. If you get lonely, use that time to be with your own friends or find your own hobby. When Mel is out, I use that time to read, write, cross-stitch, do something else artsy, work on word puzzles, bake, or do something less exciting like catch up on housework.

Loving your partner means giving him/her room to be happy away from you. I am so addicted to Mel that it is difficult to spend time away from him, but I would never, as I have seen some wives do, call him three times an hour to find out when he is coming home, or expect him to run errands for me while he is having fun with his buddies. I like to know where he is going and when he will be home (I believe spouses need to be accountable to each other and let each other be fully aware of all plans), and I only call him if he is late, and I worry that he is safe. I never tighten my grip by telling him he must drop everything and come home. Nor do I put any kind of time limit when he talks to his friends on the phone.

I also need to mention that we should NEVER take advantage of our time away from each other by using that time to do something you would not normally do in from if your spouse. This is NOT giving your partner permission to cheat or for you to find an excuse to cheat (this includes flirting and watching filthy movies). Don't have two personalities, one with your mate and one with your buddies. No one wants to be married to a hypocrite or phony. Be true to yourself and your convictions because even if your spouse cannot see you, Jesus always sees you, and He WILL hold you responsible for all your actions! 

And you know what, the more freedom you give, the more your lover will want to be with you. The more you nag, or make each other feel guilty, the more he/she will want to get away or resent you for expecting him/her to stay home all the time. This perception became very apparent to me after just a few months of marriage, so trust me on this one! Ever hold a dog or cat? The tighter the hold, the more he wants to get away from you. But loosen your grip, and he will relax and want to stay in your arms forever. Same concept here. Give your mate someone he/she wants to come home to, and your honey will miss you (even when having fun) as much as you miss him/her! 

Growth:  As soon as Mel and I became engaged, I started reading marriage books written by well-known marriage experts.  However, I kept reading some very negative “facts.”  Several of these authorities on successful marriages were very discouraging.  I remember feeling a sense of foreboding when reading some of these books.  The common thread was that the romantic love would change, and I would settle into marriage loving my husband, but not necessarily still in love.  And certainly not madly in love even six months later, and definitely not after a year.  It was very disheartening believing that my wonderful love story was going to go downhill sometime shortly after our honeymoon.  There were sure to be fights, lots and lots of fights as we learned to adjust to living together.  We would soon grow bored with each other as the novelty of seeing each other every day would wear off quickly.  We would want to spend time apart more and more often and seek out individual hobbies.  Even the fire would sizzle in the bedroom.  I may even become tempted to cheat.  In other words, do not bother to hope for love to grow or flourish past the six-month mark of marriage. 

            After I read these books, I went to my then-fiancé and told him what I had read.  Mel assured me this would not happen if you married the right person – the one God intends for you to marry – your perfect match and soul mate.  When you marry for no other reason than love, you can guarantee your love will grow.

Well, I am here to tell you, Mel was absolutely right, and those supposed experts were wrong!  My life with Mel has only gotten more and more romantic and our bond has only grown stronger.  We rarely ever fight and even when we do, we are very good at communicating and working things out.  We become more addicted to one another and fall deeper in love.  We are still as inseparable now as we first started dating fourteen years ago.  I have never once stopped loving my precious husband and I never cease admiring his handsome face. I feel more blessed every day. 

            It was reading those books (and viewing Facebook pages of other experts) that inspired me to write my own blog to encourage people that marriage can be wonderful, romantic, and blissful no matter how long you are married.  There does not ever have to be an end to feelings you experience when you are courting and falling in love.  It simply evolves to a higher level, not decreases to a lower one.

            In 2013, my supervisor wanted me to take on extra hours, but I told her I would have to check with my husband before taking on any more shifts at work.  I told her that we always talk things over before making decisions.  She said, in a very condescending tone, “That will change.”  Usually, I believe in respecting my superiors, but this angered me, so I quickly shot back, “No, it will not.  My husband and I are partners, and we discuss everything.  That will not change.”  Of course, I did not get a reply.

So, in other words, please do not listen to the negative opinions of others who say marriage will change and even imply you will cease respecting each other’s opinions.  There is absolutely no reason for your love to shrink, and when you practice the principles of The Bible, your love will always grow.

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

 

Grip:  Are you giving your mate enough freedom to have fun without you, or is your grip so tight he/she wants to get away from you?  If your spouse has a hobby you do not enjoy, show your support by buying an inexpensive gift that represents that interest.  Golf balls for golf, sewing supplies for a quilting retreat, etc.  Show you do not resent outside appropriate friendships by showing an interest in all time spent with friends.  You could even make lunch for an outdoor event, or snacks for an indoor event.  

 

Growth:  Does your marriage feel stagnant?  Are you truly putting forth the effort or just going through the motions?  This week find something the two of you can do together that will strengthen your bond.  Find a fun activity to do that will spark old flames such as something you may have done while you were dating. For us, often just getting away from the house (such as going to the park or to the ocean) and simply having a great conversation makes us feel more bonded.

Art Project Option:  As a symbol of showing your spouse you are willing to put the time and effort into your marriage to assure growth, create a pot of flowers.  You can simply buy a potted plant (ones that will last a long time) or create a beautiful bouquet that will never die.  Depending on your budget and creative skills, you could buy silk flowers and arrange them yourself, or create ones out of yarn, or even multi-colored and multi-patterned paper (it does not have to be 3-D).  You could use pipe cleaners, yarn, or paper for the stems.  If you like to draw, you could color or paint a beautiful bouquet and frame it.  You can write on the flowers or the vases or planters words that express your commitment.  For example, you could write things such as, “love, romance, commitment, fun,” or “togetherness,” or a phrase such as, “Our love grows more beautiful with every passing day.”   

Week 13: Fun Activity for Playing Games

 

  

Week 13: Fun Activity for Playing Games

This week's fun activity is to play an indoor or outdoor game with your spouse and/or children. 

All of these games were purchased at secondhand stores, as they are great resources when you are on a budget. Here are some of our favorite games we love to play.

Week 13: Grumbling and Griping Short Video

 

Week 13: Grumbling and Griping Short Video

Week 13: Gracious Art Project

 

Week 13: Gracious Art Project

This week's art project was to create anything you chose using the scripture verse Numbers 6:24-26, "The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace."  

I covered a clean pizza insert with both scrapbook and construction paper. I cut out photos from a photo collage created by Snap Fish (or it may have been Wink Flash - I can't remember as it was created around 6 years ago) and glued them onto the small circles. The scripture verse is in the middle of the photos as well as written around the outer rim. 

Week 13: Generous & Gracious

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Play any kind of indoor and/or outdoor game.  If you both have a different favorite, then play both.  Computer games are fine too as long as you play together!  And whether you win or lose, remember to be sportsmanlike! And, of course, if you have children, include them in some family fun.

 

Week 13: Generous & Gracious

 

Generous:  Be generous not only with your time, but with yourself as well.  Give your spouse the first pickings, not the leftovers.  In addition, as a couple, it is good to be generous and giving to others in need. 

My husband and I are firm believers in being generous.  Even when we are financially struggling, we can still find a way to help with our time or other resources. Yet, when it comes to being generous, it is very true that "Charity Begins at Home," or for the sake of this blog, "Generosity Begins at Home."  In other words, as I stated two weeks ago, take care of each other first and make everyone and everything else second.

Being generous is more than just giving money or material items, especially when it comes to marriage.  Generosity involves giving of yourself.  This includes, but is not limited to time, listening, and romance.

  

(1 Corinthians 13:4-5) Love suffers long and is kind... does not seek its own. 

Being generous with your spouse is, very simply put, an act of kindness.  When you place working extra hours, driving the kids to a thousand different places, making sure the house is in perfect order, or spending time with friends over spending time with your mate, you are sending a very clear message that he/she is not that important to you.  You are making your marriage a bottom priority and that is treading on dangerous ground.

 

(Proverbs 11:25) The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered himself. 

 

Being generous goes beyond giving of time, it also means being generous with your ears.  My husband has always been a good listener.  He even asks questions when he does not understand something, and he can quote facts back to me months and years later.  When your wife wants to tell you a long story about how she obtained and cared for a sick cat, do your very best to listen.  She is telling you these things because she loves you, trusts you, sees you as her best friend, and wants you to know every little detail about her life.  This also means she feels the same about you.  She wants to know about every job you have ever held and what you did there, about your childhood, about the sports you like, your favorite things to eat, etc. but probably only minimal information about past relationships (just being honest).  

It is a myth that men do not care about what their wives have to say or that women only want to talk about girly things.  Most people are not so shallow and when you truly love someone, you find everything they want to share with you fascinating and only want to know more.  If your spouse is not willing to spend quality time chatting with you, you need to fix that ASAP.  A big part of marriage is simply spending time together talking and creating that sense of security and bonding on an emotional level.  Marriages that do not have as such tend to end in affairs because one or the other will crave someone to listen to them and make them feel special and validated.  If this is unfamiliar territory, start small, and with easy topics.  You can even buy cards that give you topics to discuss with your spouse (or read the list of questions I have posted on this blog called "Conversations of Love" -  you can find these using the search bar above our photo to the right).  Be generous with your ears now and you may very likely prevent a disastrous future.

And of course, everyone has heard the term "generous lover.”  More than thirteen years into our marriage and our sex life has only slightly diminished, so this has never been an issue with us, but for a lot of couples one wants sex more often than the other does.  There is such a thing as compromise.  Set a specified number of days a week aside for romance and do not break your appointments.  If this is an area in your marriage in need of help, do not be afraid to seek outside assistance.  Be respectful of one another and not demanding of your wants but remember to be generous with your body.  If you are not, and there certainly is NEVER a good excuse for an affair, he/she just may find someone else who will give him/her the time of day if you will not.

(1 Corinthians 7:3-5) Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 

Gracious:  Just as I mentioned under the letter "A" that apologizing is essential to a healthy marriage, equally important is being gracious enough to accept an apology from your mate.  2 Corinthians 13:5 reminds that love “keeps no record of wrongs” (NIV).  

Being gracious with your spouse can include things such as how you handle an argument.  Proverbs 19:11 says, “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression” (see also Proverbs 15:18 & 16:32).  Take time to cool down and think rationally before you respond.  Be quick to forgive just as you would wish him/her to forgive you.  

Being gracious also includes the way you treat your spouse.  Do not find fault in every little thing he/she does.  Do not be petty.  Learn to let the small things go.  In the grand scheme of things, focus on what really matters.  Squeezing the toothpaste tube in what you consider the wrong place is not a big deal when you hone in on the fact that your honey loves you.  

As I have mentioned before, Mel and I rarely argue. We have been married since June 2012, and yet we have had maybe half a dozen major fights.  I have read that most couples horribly fight during their first one to two years as they learn to adjust to married life together.  If they do not take this trial period as a learning experience, they may never to learn to compromise or forgive; this may become a dangerous pattern that may never change as long as they are married. Of course, I am not saying Mel and I are perfect, but our relationship has been special and unique since day one.  Our shouting arguments have been very few and the majority of our disagreements are minor.  If we do have a major fight, or feel one is percolating, we step away and cool down. The time it takes for apologies is usually within an hour or two, no matter how angry we had been, and then a gracious acceptance of forgiveness on both sides. 

With that said, I do not write this on a self-righteous or judgmental level.  Therefore, I humbly write this particular week based on mistakes I have made and will try never to repeat.  Here are some tips on how to practice a gracious attitude when involved in a fight with your spouse.

The worst thing you can do is to threaten divorce and/or remove your wedding ring.  This is such a devastating and hurtful thing to do to your spouse.  You know in your heart of hearts that you do not want to truly be separated from the love of your life.  Do not attempt to make a tragic permanent choice due to a temporary argument.

 

(Malachi 2:16) “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the Lord of hosts.  

 

This is another thing I think is an important issue to bring up when in the heat of battle: admit to what you are really feeling.  I know it is not easy to make yourself vulnerable and admit when you are afraid, but let's face it, in the long run, admitting to fear instead of lashing out in anger will save a lot of hard feelings later on.  

And this, of course, leads to always being honest.  This may be scary sometimes, but if you cannot be honest with your spouse about everything, you are going to have a rocky marriage.  Make up your mind from day one always to be honest even if you think the truth will hurt.  Trust me, lies hurt so much worse.

 

(Psalm 34:13) Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.  

 

Always apologize.  Kiss and make up and ask for forgiveness.  Be sincere in your apology and accept an apology.  

I know there are many other issues I could mention, but I will leave it at one last thing: do not ever accuse your spouse of something you know is not true just to avoid the real issue or to take the heat off your mistake.

(Luke 3:14) So He said to them, “Do not intimidate anyone or accuse falsely."  

 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

 

Generous:  Do not be stingy with your time this week.  Just as you did for the word “first,” say no to obligations that take you away from your spouse.  Be generous with your time, your listening skills, and with romance.  If you need to create a schedule for intimate time, have fun with it.  Draw big hearts or happy faces (or use stickers) on the calendar or draw a provocative picture the morning of your tryst and place it in on your lover’s pillow as a reminder for what is to come (or draw it on the mirror with dry erase marker that easily wipes off with a paper towel).

 

Gracious:  Is there anything you are refusing to forgive?  Any old (or even recent) grudges you are festering?  Pray and ask God this week to help you let go of these issues.  Talk things out as needed, there may even be a misunderstanding that can clear up hurt feelings.  If something serious has occurred such as an affair, and you wish to save your marriage, please seek counseling to help you let go of the past. 

Art Project Idea:  Who is more gracious than the Lord?  No one!  Write or print off the words to Numbers 6:24-26, "The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace."  There are several options on how you can use this verse.  Draw a picture of your spouse (or of the two of you together if you so choose), with a bright sun shining on him/her (to represent God’s face shining on your loved one) and use these verses as a header for the artwork.  You could also use a photograph (or multiple photos) and create a scrapbook-type page using bright colors and these verses.  Or you could simply write or computer print the words without a drawing or photos.  Whatever you choose, frame it so you can remember to pray for blessings and peace for your honey and follow God’s example and be gracious to your spouse.