Week 33: eQual & Queen (and King)
eQual: One of the main things I hear from the marriage "experts" that frustrates me is the misconception that marriage is difficult. Yes, life is often challenging, but your marriage does not have to be. Marriage is only a struggle if you marry the wrong person, and even then, marriages can be redeemed and become much easier when you follow Biblical principles. That is when both parties are willing; otherwise, sadly, marriage may never be easy for the uncooperative partner(s).
The other theme that really bothers me is that marriage is a competition. Although I fully believe the husband is to be the head of the home, we are to treat each other as equal partners.
Spouses will find simple things to compete over such as salary or who works harder. However, as long as both are contributing either financially and/or by working within the home, why should it matter who makes what? I have worked multiple jobs since becoming a wife in 2012, however, for the majority of our marriage, due to circumstances beyond my control, our only income has come from Mel. Yet, Mel very lovingly tells me that all money is our money, no matter what the source.
Before he knew me, Mel worked with a man who made $13.00 an hour, while his wife made six figures a year. The woman horribly berated the man and told him he was pathetic so much so that he used to cry on Mel's shoulder and ask for prayer. The last time Mel saw this man, there were serious talks of ending the relationship. No one wants to be ridiculed in such a way. As long as one is making a genuine effort to contribute, whether it is through earning money or taking care of the house and/or children, then that should be enough. Of course, there are legitimate unmotivated people who want to stay at home and not work at all while their spouse works a very demanding job. Those are issues that need some help, but I am not talking of those situations.
Even something simple like playing a game can turn into such fierce competition that it can harm a marriage. Mel and I love playing board games. When we play, we do not take any pleasure if the other is doing poorly, nor do we gloat. In fact, we try to help each other out and give points that should have been lost. We say, "good job," and, "I'm proud of you," when the other is doing well. The one who does not win does not pout, instead we say, "Congratulations!" with a kiss and compliment the other's intelligence. This is how all aspects of marriage should be.
There is nothing wrong with having a competitive edge when it is healthy, and good-natured. Respectful competition can even be a fun thing. However, we should never be unsportsmanlike with anyone, especially our spouse. If you have kids, the way the two of you play games together will either set a wonderful or horrible example of how they will treat you, each other, and their peers. I knew a husband that was so competitive in all types of games that he became condescending to others playing and even cheated. In turn, he taught his children to pout when they lost, gloat when they won, and they also frequently cheated well into adulthood. It is more important to have fun and spend time together than it is to win. I love that I married such an intelligent man, and it does not bother me when he wins games. This is not just because I love him, but also because he has such a humble attitude. If he made me feel stupid, cheated, played sneaky, or gloated when he won, we would be finding other things to do instead! Thank God, He gave me a gracious man because playing games every week really adds to our bonding time.
There are many other issues where spouses can be competitive, such as who is the better cook, parent, driver, etc. I knew a couple where the husband was so arrogant about his so-called cooking skills, he would make fun of his wife's meals in front of company and even on social media. He turned someone who once enjoyed cooking into an insecure wife who began to hate spending time in the kitchen. Please do not be so competitive that you take joy away from your mate to where they no longer enjoy activities that used to make them happy. Even if you are truly better at something, be gracious about it, and still treat your spouse as an equal so you can enjoy all activities together as a team.
Genesis 2:24 says we become one with our mate when we marry. This means that you work together as equals. We should be working together and help when needed. Marriage is a partnership, not a competition, so please keep that in mind no matter if it is something simple like playing a game or more serious such as who makes the most money. Encourage, help, uplift, and praise one another, no matter what that situation and you will have a much more peaceful and fun life together!
Queen (and King): Husbands, treat your wives like a queen. Spoil her (no money required) and make her feel loved. Simply listening to her when she speaks to you will make her feel very valued (P.S. She doesn't always want your advice, sometimes juts a listening ear so if you are unsure which she may want, it is okay to ask.). Sincere compliments, kisses, hugs, and massages are all free. Passionate, romantic intimacy is also free and the best way you make your wife feel loved, sexy, and desired. But even remember to make her feel beautiful even when she is not wearing makeup or looking her best or is not in a romantic mood, and your compliments and loving words will have even more meaning to her when you let you know you love her unconditionally. Making her feel loved just by snuggling with no expectations on more, will make her feel secure that you love her beyond the physical.
Wives, this is not an excuse to act like a spoiled brat or a demanding queen but be a woman of dignity and honor and treat your husband with the utmost respect. If your husband is truly a man of God, treats you with kindness, and is faithful, reward him for his good deeds rather than punishing him for his mistakes. Even if he is not all those things, honor your wedding vows and pray for wisdom in how to handle ungodly behaviors. (More on being unequally yoked in future weeks.)
From a ministry Facebook page I once ran, I once received a message from a viewer wondering if she should be expected to submit to a husband who insisted on making all the decisions without her. Since I do not personally know the woman that wrote the e-mail, and our communication was brief, I am certainly not speaking for her and saying this was what she was getting at, but I think most women want an excuse not to submit to their husbands. What they really want to know is: When is it okay not to submit to your husband?
First, The Bible does not say "Wives, submit to your own husbands only when you feel like it. Only submit when he is perfect and right. The rest of the time it is acceptable to disrespect him as the head of your home and do things against his wishes." What Ephesians 5:22-24 does say is this: "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."
I do not have to agree with Mel all the time and I have a right to express my own opinion. But if it comes to a decision we cannot agree on, I yield to him as head of our home and his decision is what goes. In our marriage, disagreements are extremely rare. One of the reasons we fell in love so quickly is because we are very compatible and think a lot alike. But, during one of these unusual instances, I relinquished my will and let the issue go. Quite frankly, this was not a minor issue, but I was still able to respect Mel as my husband and let his decision stand. At first, I tried to change his mind, but when I realized it was causing tension, I put my love for my husband above my own needs. I did not try to manipulate him to see things my way, I told him I would not bring it up again, and I try very hard not to. I am certainly not a perfect wife, I initially did my share of pouting, but I realized I fell in love with Mel because he is all I need and I can live without a lot of things, but I cannot exist without him. I married him because I trust him with my life and know he is capable of being a Godly leader.
Please take into account those two things when you are considering not submitting to your husband's choices. Is the issue more important than your love for him? I sure hope not, then you have more problems than just learning to let him lead. Do you trust him? This time I sure hope so. If not, again, you have more problems than just learning to let him lead.
Women want to use the excuse that The Bible is old-fashioned, and women are much more independent now than they were many years ago. In the first year of our marriage, I also used that excuse for some issues, but God never changes, even if people do. I was single for thirty-nine years and lived alone for fourteen years. I did not think it would be possible to let a man come into my very independent life. It makes a big difference when that man is an equal partner and not a dictator. Mel never tried to take over my life, he joined my life, and we became a team. That is what it means to be married. You don't lose who are, you become an enhanced version of yourself with a soul mate by your side.
Is it ever okay not to submit to your husband; to let the queen lead? Yes. When he makes ungodly decisions. If he wants you to break the law and/or do something immoral and/or unethical, of course you do not have to submit to him. I realize Ephesians 5 says to submit to you husbands "in everything," but God would never expect us to participate in or cover up harm to ourselves or a child, taking drugs, gambling, cheating, stealing, infidelity, etc. In that case, you have every right to go against your husband. You even have a duty to turn him in to the proper authorities, if necessary, especially if it involves causing harm to another person, even if that person is you.
Sometimes, however, you may still need to submit to a husband who is childish, irresponsible, pig-headed, rude, and sometimes a plain jerk. As long as he is not wasting your grocery money on frivolous things, staying out all night, (etc.), or breaking any laws, you still should respect his choices. Chances are, you knew what he was like before you married him. Maybe that mischievous streak was cute when you were both single, but for a man who is supposed to lead, you find it irritating. Some women are attracted to the "bad boy" image, but after they marry him, they suddenly expect the man to grow up. Realistically, this does not usually happen and can make for a very frustrating marriage. Most mature people can be reasoned with, especially if they truly love you; they are willing to talk things through. If there are serious issues that cannot be worked out by just the two of you, you most likely need to seek professional help for your marriage.
Are there any other issues where is it okay not to submit to your husband? Well, yes. If your husband is not a Christian and you are, this could be a real issue. He may expect you to skip church and other religious activities. In this case, I believe it is okay to still attend church (if you can find a decent one). However, I would do it very humbly and not with an air of self-righteousness. Invite him every time you go and, without belittling your mate behind his back, ask others to pray with you. I've seen many spouses turn their lives over to Christ because of a faithful wife or husband that attended church. You do not have to preach at him, often a quiet witness and a peaceful countenance will do more than you can imagine (see 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 & 27).
Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:
eQual: I realize these two sections this week seem to contradict one another. Is the man the head, or are we equals? Well, it seems confusing, but BOTH are correct. The man is the leader of the home, but you run it together as one. You make all decisions together. However, if there is an area where you cannot agree or come to an agreeable compromise, the man makes the final choice (unless it goes against the Bible or is illegal). When I worked in law enforcement, we worked as a team for a common goal, but there was always a superior officer that had the final say.
This week, have fun as equals. Play any kind of game and, if you are not already acting in such a manner, learn to be either a humble winner or gracious loser. Mel and I tend to say there are no winners or losers, because it is just about having fun and spending time together. Remember to adopt this same attitude whether playing an indoor or outdoor game.
Queen (and King): Husbands, are there any areas in your marriage where you could better treat your wife as a queen? Not sure, it is okay to ask where and when she needs help. Wives, are there any areas in your marriage where you refuse to let your husband be the king? Unless he is doing something immoral or illegal, determine this week to let him lead.
Art Project Option: In some countries it is still a tradition for kings and queens to have their own unique family crest. Create such a crest for you and your spouse. You may or may not already know what some person you never met designed for your family’s last name hundreds or thousands of years ago. These are a fun piece of history to have, but I am suggesting creating a relevant crest that represents the two of you. If you have children, you can design a separate one that includes them, but this week is just about the king and queen of the castle. There are many different ways you can do this: use computer clip art, hand draw it, or even use pictures from a magazine or your own personal photographs. You could even have a professional artist draw it for you if you can afford it. If you can sew, you could even create one out of cloth (such as a quilt-type crest) or thread (such as an embroidered or cross-stitched crest). You can look at existing family crests (yours or someone else’s) for ideas but try to be specific in using symbols that represent the two of you.
