Week 24: Love & Loyalty

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Learn any new skill you have always wanted to learn.  Although it is fun to learn together, you do not have to choose the same thing.  It can be something easy you learn in a day or two, to a life-long process.  Be each other's encourager in whatever you choose to learn.

Week 24: Love & Loyalty 

Love:  I realize this entire blog is all about love, but this week I want to write about what it truly means when you say you are in love. 

Many of the books on marriage are painting such a picture of doom and gloom that if I was not married, they would probably scare me away from it. In fact, as soon as we became engaged, and I read some of these books they did scare me!  They make it sound as if marriage is a constant struggle and it requires so much effort that you practically need a Ph.D. just to survive a year without divorce.  However, I am here to tell you that is ridiculous!  Now I am not naïve enough to believe that all people are respectful of their spouse.  There are a lot of people that are very argumentative and always want to have the last word.  There are also many bossy people that want to control everyone around them and refuse to listen to anyone’s opinion except their own.  There are also a lot of emotional and physical bullies that suffocate the life out of everyone.  All these types of people are going to be in difficult marriages that most likely will fail without seeking help and changing their ways.  We will all go through hard times and have grouchy days but learning to respect each other, knowing when and how to compromise, and keep communicating no matter what you are going through makes a big difference.

I am going to tell you how I see love based on how I feel.  This is my opinion alone.  I am simply me, non-published, no degree, a childless housewife married since June 2012.  But I am happy, and my marriage is full of peace and joy.  Even though life is often difficult, my marriage is easy.  I have made mistakes as a wife, but I would never intentionally harm my husband, and this is why:

I truly love Mel with all my body, mind, and soul, his happiness is more important than my own.  I wish I could create a perfect cocoon of bliss that he can live in forever, and where no harm will ever come to him.  Because I am in love, the idea of fighting and conflict with him makes me sick to my stomach and I always want peace between us. 

This does not mean never speaking up or having an opinion.  However, being argumentative and always having to be right should not be my goal.  It is listening to Mel's opinions and weighing all sides.  I realize even those madly in love will not always agree.  The times I believe I am the one in the right does not mean screaming at my spouse to get my point across.  Because I love him, I want to be so in tuned that we practically think in unison.  That means I do not want conflict and do not have the need to be right all the time.  I realize there are some issues I can let go.  By the way, we actually agree on almost everything and have extremely few disagreements, and when we do, they are very minor and over quickly because we cannot stand to see the other upset.

Because I truly love Mel, I never want to see him in pain.  Therefore, it is pretty obvious I would never intentionally cause him physical or emotional harm.  I love Mel so much that I have told him many times that I would take on all his past, present, and future hurts as well as any physical pain he feels if only he could be pain-free forever.  I mean that with all my heart.   

Because I truly love Mel, I want to give him all of me.  I want to make him enjoy his sex life and feel satisfied.  And because I love him, he satisfies me, and I truly love our intimate time together.  I love the pleasure side of our marriage because I am so madly in love with him.  Our time of intimacy is very important to me, and not just for the physical side, but also for the romance and bonding it brings to our lives. Of course, Mel is honorable and would not request anything in our love life that was immoral, or I would not go along with it. Love does not mean agreeing to go against the rules of the Bible or asking someone else to do so.

Because I truly love Mel, I trust him with my life, and I want to make sure he feels the same.  This means I would never want to purposely deceive or cheat on him.  I want that trust for a lifetime.

True love is not temporary; true love is permanent.  I say to Mel all the time, “I want you forever.”  This is not a figure of speech.  I literally want him for all eternity.  This means I would never intentionally do anything that would cause a rift between us.  I would never give him reason to leave me.  I want my husband forever.  Therefore, I will do my best to make our forever peaceful, compromising, effortless, relaxed, enjoyable, helpful, romantic, selfless, forgiving, gentle, hopeful, joyful, agreeable, diplomatic, truthful, and faithful! 

Loyalty: This week is not just about standing up for sexual purity within marriage, or even just about the way one dresses.  This week has more to do with vanity, or more specifically, being so vain you place your ego above your mate to the point you have become disloyal to your marriage.

Let's start with Facebook (and other social media).  I see so many men and women who are married that have only a picture of themselves as a profile picture.  This is not so bad, (although I believe husbands and wives should have a joint Facebook page) but what irritates me is when they are posed in a provocative way and/or dressed to show off their body.  A look of, "Hey, everybody, check me out; aren't I cute!" is written all over their face. Rather than, "Look at my spouse and me; aren't we an adorable couple?"  Simply including your mate in your profile picture says to the world that you are very happily spoken for, and you are proud of your marriage.  In this case, I believe showing off is perfectly acceptable!  In addition, do not try to out-shine your spouse in photos. Stand side by side, not one of you as the focus and the other somewhere behind you! You are partners, so show the world you view each other as equals!

As I have previously written, I do not like the way many women dress.  It is bad enough to see a teenager with her rear end hanging out, but when I see a woman with a man (whether he is the husband or not) dressed in way that leaves little to the imagination, it really makes me sad (especially when they have kids with them).  Mel has put it perfectly; he says that women like that are not ever going to be loyal.  If she wants all men's eyes on her, then she is not honoring the man she is with, be it boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.  Logic says if she is willing to show off plenty skin just to get attention, and does not care who she titillates, she is willing to cheat on her spouse.  Whether you agree or not, any man or woman wanting to be eye candy for everyone else is a form of emotionally cheating on your spouse. It is okay to want to look nice, but it is wrong to want to be sexually provocative. If you do not want the attention, then why dress that way?  You can be perfectly comfortable in a modest (midcalf or longer) sundress, capris, your shirts do not need to be crop tops of shorter, and not a drop of cleavage needs to be showing even in 100-degree temperatures.  Therefore, using the excuse that it is hot will not work; the truth is that it is all about vanity. And more importantly, single or not, dressing provocatively is displeasing to the Lord!

What it comes down to is whether you are more interested in seeking out the attention of the opposite sex because you know you have a good body and/or attractive face, and you really enjoy the ego boost, or do you love your spouse so much that you want only his/her eyes on you?  I have seen many women dressed modestly and still be fashionable.  I am fifty-two years old, and I need to lose weight, but even if I had the perfect figure and had the perfect sense of fashion, I would still dress discreetly. 

You can also show loyalty to your spouse by the way you speak about each other when you are apart.  Stand up for one another if anyone insults your honey, and never speak ill of your spouse behind his/her back.  Sure, there will be times when you are frustrated during the course of your marriage, and you may feel the need to vent to someone and get a little sympathy.  However, there is never any excuse for bad-mouthing your mate and making him/her look stupid, lazy, mean, incompetent, etc.  Even insulting his/her cooking or the way he/she keeps house betrays your mate.  If you really need someone to talk to, talk to God.  And then pray that the Holy Spirit helps you focus more on the good things and less on the negative.

Chances are, whatever you feel like complaining about will be resolved in a short amount of time, and you will feel guilty for having said cruel things about the one you love above anyone or anything else.  Moreover, it creates hard feelings towards your mate with those to whom you have gossiped.  Long after you are over the issue, they are still seeing your spouse in a negative light.  The Bible says we are to respect our spouse, and this absolutely means whether we are together or apart. 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Love:  This week is wide open!  What can you do to show how much you love your mate?  Cook a nice dinner, have a night out on the town, or just simply show kindness and respect.  Whatever it is, use your imagination and make certain your mate never forgets how much in love you are!

Art Project Option: This is where saving boxes used for shipping or the cardboard inserts in pizza boxes comes in handy!  Make a train out of cardboard or any other material (I made mine 2D, but you could make one 3D) with an engine that has a unique title.  For example, my train for Mel was The Ludeke Express and the engine number was 0610 (our anniversary).  Make as many cars as you would like and decorate each car with a unique theme that celebrates your love.  You can see the train I made when I post the example in a few days. When the train is finished, punch holes (holes can be tricky in cardboard, but if it is thin enough it can be done) and tie the cars together with yarn, thread, ribbon, or even rubber bands.  My hubby loves trains, and he loved this so much he hung it on the bedroom wall for several years.

This can be reimagined in many ways.  You can use any type of paper instead of cardboard.  You can print pictures of trains and the items that go in the boxcars from the internet rather than drawing.  You could even buy a toy train and fill the cars with miniatures to represent your unique love.

 I chose the train theme because Mel collects trains, but you could use any symbol you like that is unique to your marriage such as cars, wagons, or just plain boxes.

Loyalty:  Is there any area you can recognize where you are placing your own vanity over the love of your spouse?  Now is the time to come clean!  Combine social media pages or at least include each other in your personal profile pictures.  As I suggested in week 10, go through your wardrobe and get rid of your provocative clothing.  And of course, make 100% certain there is no way you would ever cheat on your partner, and do whatever you need to assure your heart will always be loyal.

Week 23: Learn Short Video

 

 

 Week 23: Learn Short Video

Note: This was filmed 6 years ago. This year we will be celebrating 14 years of marriage!

Happy 14th Wedding Anniversary!

 

Happy 14th Wedding Anniversary!

Our 14th Wedding Anniversary is tomorrow, June 10, but I am posting this now because we will be celebrating by packing a picnic lunch and taking it to the beach tomorrow.  (I used coloring pages from coloring books to create the collage on our whiteboard.) 

God truly blessed me with my perfect match and soul mate.  Thank you, Jesus for the blessing of marriage to my precious Mel! 

In honor of our special day, here are two of the poems I have written for Mel:

My Knight

Surrounded by cold, grey walls,

With no window in sight,

Not seeing a way out,

And no light coming in,

Locked inside a dark, meaningless life;

Then I heard the lock clang to the ground,

The door opened,

Light flooded the room,

And Sir Melton entered;

The silver from his armor

Created an ethereal glow;

He held out his hand,

And I greedily took hold -

I knew this knight had come to rescue me;

There was strength in his grip,

Yet gentleness and love;

"I've been dreaming about you,"

He said with a melodious voice

That soaked into my soul;

I smiled with tear-filled eyes -

He had been the one from my dreams as well;

"Will you come with me?"

I nodded as we walked out the door;

All things were lovely and bright,

And as I gazed into his eyes,

My whole life became clear -

We could serve a purpose together,

I would follow my knight,

For he was a man of Godly character -

Brave, noble, decent, and loving -

Our love would be epic

As we served our Lord Jesus Christ,

Loved, adored, and cherished one another,

And strived to help others;

Ours would be a life of purity,

And I would never look back -

My knight had rescued me from despair,

Creating a life of hope and purpose,

We would live forever in each other's arms -

Happily ever after!

(Song of Solomon 3:4) I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go.

No Matter Where

There's no castle or mansion large enough,

That could hold my love for you.

There's no shack or doghouse small enough,

Where I wouldn't feel at peace with you.

There's no tropical island warm enough,

That could match the heat I feel for you,

There's no iceberg cold enough,

That could quench my fire for you.

There's no mountain high enough,

That could out-reach my love.

There's no ocean deep enough,

That could contain my love.

There's no place isolated enough,

Where I would feel lonely with you.

There's no place crowded enough,

That could keep me from feeling safe with you.

There's no place north or south enough,

No place east or west enough,

Where I would never cease to feel at home with you.

No matter where I am,

I am happy because you are by my side.

(Matthew 19:4-6) And [Jesus] answered and said unto them, "Have ye not read, that He which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, 'For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?' Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."

I am updating this post to include a few pictures from our fun day at the ocean. I made and packed a lunch of deli meat hoagies and deviled eggs w/ bacon bits (Mel's favorite picnic lunch items):

Week 23: Lovable Art Project

 

Week 23: Lovable Art Project

Week 23: Loss & Lovable

 

Fun Idea This Week:  Spend a lot of time laughing at all your funny memories and create new ones too!

Week 23: Loss & Lovable

Loss:  In the course of one’s life, loss is inevitable.  My husband and I have both lost loved ones before we were married, and we both lost more family after.  Grief is a one of the most difficult emotions a marriage can endure, and when mishandled, has ended many marriages.

I have written about showing compassion toward one another and being each other’s healing instrument and those principles especially apply in the area of grief as well.   

We do not all grieve the same way.  You may know about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (based on personal experiences, I would also add fear as a stage of grief). However, we do not always follow these in order.  Keep that in mind when your spouse is experiencing a broken heart and do your very best to let your honey grieve in their own way and do what you can to be supportive.

One thing I have had difficulty adjusting to as a married woman is learning not to give in to old patterns I gave into when I was single. I am referring to my need to want to retreat into myself when I am hurting. My normal instinct when I am grieving is to want to be alone. There were days I fought getting in the car and driving off by myself for a few hours. This is no way means I love my precious Mel any less or that I think he is insensitive. In fact, he is extremely supportive and proves to me even more that he is the perfect man of my dreams. This is simply a need I have to want to withdraw into myself when my heart is breaking.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with needing time alone. In fact, if this is how your mate chooses to deal with loss, please respect their need for temporary space, and allow the grieving process to run its natural course.  My concern is when one refuses to allow their mate to console them, and the retreat takes longer than a week but stretches into months. When one is married, you need to run to your spouse, not run away.  Cling to your spouse; be of one flesh and, as Galatians 6:2 states, “bear one another's burdens.”

Romans 12:15 says to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." That not only means being there for my husband, which is easy, but allowing him to be there for me. I do not need to be stoic and strong. I can trust and honor my husband by leaning on him physically and emotionally.

Grief is never wrong, and even The Bible reminds us it is acceptable, so do not ever let anyone tell you tears are wrong. Psalm 30:5 - Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. & Ecclesiastes 3:4 - A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance.   

I suffered six great losses in 2014 that I still cry over from time to time, but with God’s help and Mel’s compassion, my sorrow does not overwhelm me any longer, and I can recall memories with less pain.  If you or your spouse cannot function after several months or after a year are still weeping every day, please seek professional help.  The sadness may not ever completely disappear, but the ability to function should get easier. 

When dealing with any kind of hurt (even a loss of a job, move, or friendship can be equated to grief), please allow yourself to lean first into the arms Jesus, and then into the spouse God granted you, and thank God every day you do not have to face it alone!　

Note: I originally wrote this in 2018. In January 2022, I lost my beloved father. I can now say with more clarity, that this above writing about loss rings true. I was very close to him and miss my Daddy every day, but with the help of God and my husband, the grief has been more bearable than if I was alone or refused to let them be my comfort.

Lovable:  When we are going through times of stress, it is natural to lash out at the person closest to us, usually our spouse.  We take things out on each other because the one we live with is the easiest target.  Yet, no matter what you are going through, be lovable with your words and actions.  Do not ever make your mate wonder why they married you.  Do not let him think, "She seemed so sweet when we were dating, but now all she ever does is nag.  If I had known she was going to turn out to be so critical, I never would have married her."  You certainly do not want her to worry, "He seemed so happy and cheerful when we were dating.  He seems so depressed and moody now.  Doesn’t he love me?  What am I doing wrong?" 

We cannot help having grouchy or sad days now and again.  Men, whether you want to admit it or not, women truly have no control over their hormones, this includes both PMS and menopause.  Rather than making snide comments during your wife’s time of the month, or saying every unhappy mood is hormone-related, try to be patient and do not take things personally.  Besides, men, you know you have your own masculine version of monthly mood swings and even male menopause as well.  Women, we can still check our attitude at the door and do our best to catch the way our tones sound even when it is difficult to fight the crabby days. 

Also, I realize there are some medical and psychological disorders that cause depression that one is not capable of controlling.  In these cases, please seek professional help, as there is nothing wrong with pursuing natural or doctor prescribed remedies.  There are even a number of medications that cause uncontrollable depression.  If a long-term medication is causing such side effects, do not be afraid to ask your doctor for a different remedy.  If you do not want to seek a doctor’s help for your own sake, then do it for the peace of your home life.

Other than instances we cannot control, we need to fight against the urge to blame and mistreat each other when we are angry, frustrated, or depressed.  When you cling to one another during times of crisis rather than bicker, your marriage will grow stronger, and your bond will be unbreakable.

Do your utmost best to be lovable in good times and bad.  Even if you are facing scary, frustrating, angry, or sorrowful situations, continue to hug, kiss, snuggle, and tell each other how much you love each other.  When God sees you through the crisis you are facing, you will be very glad you kept your heart open and continued to treat your mate with lovable actions. 

Just one more tip: Often, I have found focusing on someone else can help lift my mood, so doing something kind for someone else when fighting negativity is the best therapy of all. 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Loss:  Whether your loved one is dealing with past or present loss, allow him/her to open up to you and say all that is on his/her heart.  The best way to handle grief is to acknowledge it and allow your partner to heal at a natural pace.

Lovable:  Whatever situation you may be facing this week, please do not take it out on your mate.  You did not get married just to have someone whom you can take out your frustrations.  Let your honey be your therapist and treat each other with kindness and love.

Art Project Option: To show your honey that you appreciate all his/her lovable qualities, write a list of all the things you love about your mate.  To turn this into an art project, cut out hearts either in different colored construction paper or scrapbook paper of varying patterns (you can even use plain paper and decorate as you choose).  Write on each of these hearts the phrase, “Love is…” and fill in the blank in big, bold letters underneath.  Make as many as you can think of and hang them (scotch tape works fine) all over one section of the house or scattered throughout the house.  The point is to get your honey’s attention that you appreciate all his/her lovable ways.  You do not have to use the above phrase, you could also say, “I see love in you when you…” or “You are lovable when…”, a combination of phrases, or any other phrase including the word love.

Week 22 Fun Activity for Flying a Kite

 

 

Week 22 Fun Activity for Flying a Kite

This week's fun activity is to fly a kite (or do something else fun outdoors). 

These photos are from 2020. Mel and I drove to Ocean Shores and flew a kite!  This was actually the first time we have flown a kite together, and the winds at the Pacific Ocean were prefect for it!  I also packed us a simple lunch of tuna salad sandwiches, granola bars, and (a rare treat for us) cans of coke.

Week 22: Kindness Short Video

Week 22: Kindness Short Video