Week 26: Mercy & Money

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Visit an art or historical museum.  None in your area, or it is not in your budget, then look at books or photos on-line of beautiful art and/or historical items.  Many museums have photos on-line and some even have virtual tours.  Mel and I are both history buffs, and even looking at photos is interesting to us.

 

Week 26: Mercy & Money

Mercy:  Just as we expect others to be merciful toward us when we make mistakes, show the utmost mercy toward your spouse and always be ready to forgive.  Do not hold a grudge or later throw back in his/her face something done weeks or months ago.  Furthermore, do not plot how to get even.  Give your mate the benefit of the doubt and learn to talk things out and/or let the little things go.

If your spouse has done something that has offended you and you truly feel like you cannot let it go, then please find the time to talk about it before you go to sleep.  Ephesians 4:26 gives this excellent advice, “Be angry, and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your wrath."  It is best to confront things when fresh in your mind.  When you stew over something, it tends to get bigger rather than smaller.

I have said it before, and I promise it is true; Mel and I very rarely fight. I cannot even recall the last time we had a serious argument, but I believe the last time we had a shouting match was in 2014.  Part of the reason we so rarely argue is because we communicate so well and because we do not let the little things get to us.  Neither one of us is perfect in any way, and there are things we do that irritate the other.  However, because we are so deeply in love and so truly respect one another, we do not keep a list of these things to throw back in the other's face.  If Mel does not feel like telling me right away that I did something to hurt his feelings in November, he is not going to say to me in December, "Well you bit my head off last month and I am still upset by it."  Nor am I going to say, "Well, you said something that hurt my feelings in June, July, and August!"  Of course not, because we let the little things go.  

I am certainly not suggesting you confront everything that irritates you. For one thing no one can stand a nagging wife or husband.  For another, you may have woken up cranky and something big will seem much smaller once you have had your coffee. Only discuss the things you think could affect your marriage negatively.  If you truly think you will be over it in an hour or two and it is not worth stirring up angry feelings, let it go, and do not store it in your brain to confront your spouse with at a later date.  The Bible says it better: He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, but he who is impulsive exalts folly. Proverbs 14:29, & So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. James 1:19  

I Corinthians 13:5 gives us excellent advice by reminding us that love keeps no record of wrongs (NIV).  The New King James Version words I Corinthians 13:5 a little different and says, love “thinks no evil.” So, keeping track of all the times your spouse has hurt your feelings is thinking evil toward one another.  Unless your partner has a pattern of abuse, chances are, he/she did not truly mean to hurt your feelings.  If it really bothers you that much, then please let each other know and talk about it so the problem can be resolved. 

He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you, but to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Money:  Although I talked about materialism last week, this week I will be more specific in matters of how to handle money issues in your marriage.  Statistics state that the number one reason couples fight and often even break up is over money.  If you follow a few simple ideas, there is no reason money should cause so much harm.  

I know several couples that have separate bank accounts.  One of the reasons was, sadly, that the husband was wasting their money on alcohol and the wife had to get a secret account so her family could eat.  Another reason was that the wife spent all of her money, then took her husband’s income without asking, and gave it to her children from her first marriage.  Unless these or similar are your issues, there is no reason to keep your money separate.  If your spouse is an irresponsible spender and cannot be trusted to waste money on frivolous or immoral things, you may need to seek professional help.  Genesis 2:24 says that we become one when we marry, that means we share all things.  

Mel and I very much have the attitude of “what’s mine is yours and yours is mine.”  We know what the other spends, and the only time a purchase is a secret is if it is for a happy surprise.  Even then, we have a rule (as many couples do) that we do not spend more than a set amount without clearing it with the other, even for gifts.  So choose an amount you want your partner to discuss with you before it is spent.

If one of you is better at organization, there is nothing wrong with designating one of you as the “banker” of the family.  I am the one responsible for budgeting and paying bills because I enjoy creating lists and charts and being organized and Mel does not. Most of the time I do not mind doing it. However, if the banker is feeling overwhelmed, consider swapping roles on a rotating schedule.  I know of families where the one in charge of the checkbooks resented the role and it caused friction.  

If neither of you is capable of keeping track, there is no shame in that.  Rather than find yourselves in the negative a little too often or short on money and struggling to survive at the end of the month, take a class in finance for help.  Churches quite often offer free or inexpensive money managing seminars.  Alternatively, if you really feel it is a necessity and you can afford it, hire an accountant.

I am certainly not a financial adviser and made plenty of mistakes in my younger days, but God has since instilled in me the wisdom of planning and keeping a strict financial plan. We keep a tight budget for each month, and if we are worried we will go over (which is rare), we sit down together and discuss what adjustments need to be made to keep our funds where they need to be.  Figure out what is coming in versus what is going out (bills, necessities, and even fun money).  Find time together every day or two (you decide how often) to go over all money spent that day to assure there are no stresses or surprises in the budget.

Consider starting a savings account.  For the majority of our marriage, we had no savings as we barely live paycheck to paycheck.  If this is your situation, I understand.  However, even if you only set aside $5-$10 every two weeks, the money adds up, and it is a comfort just knowing you have a small cushion either for emergencies or for something fun. In 2018 I worked a seasonal job from May-September, so every month we set aside enough money to help us pay our large winter power bill as well as making it possible for us to move in 2019.  The first year we had that extra savings to fall back on was a huge stress reliever.

Try your very best never to get into debt.  Homes and vehicles are inevitable debt manufacturers, but what I am referring to is credit cards.  Too often, one is tempted to use the card more and more and the bill becomes an added burden to your finances.  If you have credit cards, try to save it for real emergencies, not just for an ice cream craving.  And do your best to pay down the balance as quickly as possible since the fees paid on interest rates are usually money wasted.

If you follow all the above suggestions and still find yourselves fighting over money, please take a class on money management and/or talk to a counselor.  

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

Mercy: Forgive past and present errors. Show mercy when wrongs are committed.  Do not hang past offenses over each other’s head.  Make a genuine effort to put the past where it belongs and focus on today!   

Money: Put into practice at least one idea from the above writing, such as starting a savings account.  Whatever you choose to do (or even if none of the above), take time this week and discuss how your finances are handled and make certain you are on the same page.  If not, do your best to find a compromise that will make both of you happy.

Art Project Option:  Ironically enough, you might need to spend money for this project, but less than $2.00 if you utilize a thrift or dollar store.  But you don't have to, you can create your own fake money or buy a game that uses money (unless you own such a game and never play it) such as Monopoly, or buy play money, draw money, print a design off the Internet, or find scrapbook or wrapping paper that looks like money.  You are going to create a mobile.  For the top section, use a large piece of cardboard (you can glue some of the “money” here or cover it with plain paper), and write something like, “You are priceless to me,” or “Your love is worth more than all the money in the world.”  Now glue as many fake bills as you wish to individual pieces of cardboard.  On each bill, write a word or phrase that describes how priceless your mate is to you.  Punch holes in the top of the money and connect them to the larger cardboard and to each other with thread, yarn, or even rubber bands.  You can even use fake coins as decorations as you see fit.  Hang this near the area where you pay your bills so you can be reminded that love is more important that money. 

Week 25 Short Video

 

Week 25 Art Project

 

 

This week's art project option was to "create a project to list all of the ways your spouse provides for you that has nothing to do with money.  You can create a booklet similar to weeks 1, 11, or 2o but with this new theme. Or you can create something on the computer such as in week 18, or write the words on hearts such as week 23, or even make a framed collage (with or without photos) such as in weeks 13 or 16.  I am being vague this week, but I want to leave it up to you to decide how you creatively let your spouse know that he/she is the best provider possible!"  I chose to create this for our anniversary based off the words I wrote in this week's blog.  When we get a printer, or I can pay to have an on-line company print it for me, I will someday get this framed.

Week 25: Materialism & Menopause

 

Fun Activity This Week: Plan a menu of all your favorite foods, even if it is just for dessert.

Week 25: Materialism & Menopause

Materialism:  One of the main sources couples state for marital problems are issues over money (see next week for more advice on this issue).  Please do not make your marriage about things.  Mel and I are both collectors of various items, but hobbies are not our highest priority.  Rather than being caught up in things, we are certain to spend a lot of time with each other, not our “toys.”  

We have been married since 2012, and the majority of that time has been spent with a very tight budget.  I am actually grateful for the extremely lean times because we have learned to rely on God and each other, not money.

I learned long before I was married that it is very important to a man’s ego to be a good provider of material things.  Now that I am married, what I have come to understand is what being a provider truly means.  Yes, we need money to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads, but happiness has nothing to do with materialism.  Therefore, no matter how much money you make, you can never buy a successful marriage.  You can buy a sense of financial security, but you cannot buy love or true joy.

Let me paint you a picture.

I bought my first house at the age of twenty-five and worked jobs that allowed me to be financially secure.  I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself.  Yet those fourteen years I spent living alone as an independent, self-sufficient woman did not bring me any sense of peace.  I felt like I was going through the motions, not really living life.  I was more like a vague shadow of myself living in black and white.  My smiles were shallow.  My days and nights were lonely.  My life felt empty and meaningless.  I felt like an ugly, unlovable, pointless waste of space.

Then March 6, 2012 came.  I met Mel (tears come to my eyes and a smile overtakes my face as I type this).  I had spent thirty-nine years as a shy wallflower, hating meeting new people, always uncomfortable around someone I did not know.  Yet, as determined as I was to put up walls and push Mel away before giving him a chance, he began melting the ice around my heart almost immediately.  As I sat and listened to him talk about the things of God, I could not keep my eyes off his captivating smile and adorable dimples.  And what beautiful two-tone eyes and sweet accent!  I would not have admitted it then, but I knew the day we met, in spite of all my fears of rejection and misgivings about marriage, this man was going to be in my life forever.  In less than a week, I was admittedly head over heels in love and could have married him on the spot.  What was even more surprising, this wonderful, miracle of a man was madly in love with me as well!  We were married ninety-six days after our first date!  Long gone are the days of feeling worthless. 

What has my husband provided for me that is worth far more than materialism?  Mel has brought color to my world.  He has given my life joy, meaning, happiness, self-worth, peace, and true security!  I feel like the ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan.  I do not mean that in a conceited sense, but I say that because Mel makes me feel like a queen.  I feel so much better about myself.  Before, when I looked ahead, all I ever saw was a thin, blank, dark book.  One I wanted closed shut and left on the shelf, not caring to know what was in the next chapter as I knew it would be exactly the same as the last.  Now I see a future full of sunshine and light.  A big, thick book I want to pull off the self, read, and add to daily.  I cannot wait to see where God takes us next!

I know this all seems a bit dramatic, but I promise this is all exactly as I have felt then and now.  Mel is indeed a good provider!  He has given me a completely new life!  No amount of money or things could provide the love, hope, and wonderment Mel brings me every day.  I Thank God every day for such a precious gift and thank Mel for being the perfect provider!

           Now go and thank God and your spouse for all he/she brings you that money can never buy!  

Menopause: Even if you are years away from menopause, I believe you can still benefit from reading these next few paragraphs as all hormonal stages apply.  This not a medical or science lecture, just relating my story and hope it helps both husbands and wives with dealing with this very real and often sensitive issue.

One thing that drives me and, I am certain, most women, bananas is when men make snide comments about women's hormones.  Anytime a woman seems more angry or sad than usual, the men say things such as, "It must be that time of the month, stay clear of her!" While women must admit that yes, hormones can play a significant role in our moods, our husbands need to learn how hurtful these blanket statements can be.  Although I do my best to try to control my moods, sometimes, breaking free of a super grouchy or bluesy days can feel impossible.  Praying does help me overcome some of these hormonal mood swings, but just as important is having a spouse that needs to be more kind and less critical. It is best to talk things out with your husband and explain what you are feeling and how he can help.  Also, it is perfectly okay to remind the men in our lives, whether they admit it or not, they have their own hormonal mood swings as well!

I will be 53 years old in September 2025; I have been in menopause since 2021.  I had my right ovary removed in 2019 due to a noncancerous tumor.  In 2023 I t had my left ovary removed, then 6 weeks later, I had a complete abdominal hysterectomy, these last 2 surgeries due to synchronous ovarian and endometrial cancer. So, yes, I have a clear understanding of menopause in varying stages, but because of the tumors, my pre-menopause phase was shorter than most.  In 2019, I went quickly into more frequent mood swings and extreme hot flashes (no joke, a minimum of 20-30 a day, and still having them).  

The very best way for me to handle the changes I was experiencing, including the very real depressed emotion of the finalization that I would never get to be a mother, was first to pray for strength, and then to talk things through with my husband.  When I know I am having difficulty lifting a negative hormonal fog, I make sure I admit what I am feeling to my husband and make sure he doesn't take me personally.  He is usually very gracious and understanding.  He is also very understanding about the many, many hot flashes I have. Hot flashes are more than just feeling like your body temperature instantly raises to 150 degrees, it can make you feel panicked, angry, and makes it hard to concentrate as you are fighting what feels like heat stroke (although in reality, your body temperature is literally dropping, not raising).  To me, it reminds me of feeling claustrophobic, as if I have been placed in a hot little box and I cannot escape. My husband realizes that I may need to stop whatever I am doing to get in front of a fan and cool off, even if I have to interrupt an important conversation.  Unless I am out of the house, I usually have a fan near me at all times so I can cope with the extremes.  This helps a lot.

No matter what hormonal stage you are in, my main advice for this week is to simply talk things out with your spouse.  He probably has no clue what you are truly feeling, so help him understand, and gently let him know it is not okay to make fun of you or criticize you when your hormones are making it difficult to control your emotions.  Try not to use this as an excuse to be mean to others but be honest with what you are experiencing.  No, hormonal issues are not easy to deal with, especially menopause, but with healthy communication, you and your spouse will make it through without fighting.  

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Materialism: Be non-materialistic this weekend or even for a full week.  Except for the necessities such as bills, groceries, gas, etc., buy nothing you want.  Try to find things to do free such as going for a walk or playing a board game.  If you do not drink your coffee at home, try skipping the over-priced latte this week to save money.  If it is an option, go home during your lunch break and eat together, or try free samples at the mall or grocery store for a fun lunch or snack.  The point is about remembering what is important – time together.  If you choose, extend this experiment to two weeks or longer.  You can even start a savings jar and place all the money you normally would have spent in the jar.  You can use the money for a nice dinner out, save for something special you have both been wanting, or donate the money to charity.

Art Project Option: Create a project to list all of the ways your spouse provides for you that has nothing to do with money.  You can create a booklet similar to weeks 1, 11, or 2o but with this new theme. Or you can create something on the computer such as in week 18, or write the words on hearts such as week 23, or even make a framed collage (with or without photos) such as in weeks 13 or 16.  I am being vague this week, but I want to leave it up to you to decide how you creatively let your spouse know that he/she is the best provider possible!

Menopause: Talk things out.  Be as honest as possible about all you are feeling when you know your hormones are fluctuating.  Do not be embarrassed to admit to being grouchy or sad, and make sure your mate understands all you are going through, including the non-emotional symptoms such as bloating, cramping, and hot flashes.