Week 1: Admiration & Affection

Fun activity this week: Pick apples (or any other fruit or veggie) at an orchard.  Wrong time of year or no orchard in your area: go out to eat and just order apple pie or make a main dish or dessert using apples!

Week 1: Admiration & Affection

 

Admiration:  You should more than like whom you married, but truly admire him/her as a person.  Obviously, there are going to be things about each other that may be frustrating, but that should never stop us from loving one another.  Yet if you cannot say you admire your spouse for more than looks or what is in the bank account, then you will have problems in your marriage.

Loving someone is beyond wonderful, but if there are too many personality traits that you do not like, it is very probable you will feel miserable and possibly even trapped with someone you never expected was one with whom you would rather not be.  It is why so many spouses choose to work long hours or even get a job where they travel.  They love their mate, so in order to prevent constant fighting or a divorce, they find it better to spend less time together.  This may seem like a logical solution, but it is not necessarily the right one.  You did not get married to be apart.  Genesis 2:24 says we “shall become one flesh” with our mate when we marry.  It does not say the two remained two. 

If you cannot say you admire your partner’s values, heart, or other important issues in his/her personality, then you need to figure out why.  Are you being too overly critical or does your loved one need help? If you are a neat freak and you hate that she only vacuums once a week, then that is not serious, and you need to quit being so picky.  If you cannot stand the fact that he drinks too much, then definitely that issue needs attention. I always recommend talking things out as a couple first, but there is never any shame in seeking a counselor.  There is more honor in saving your marriage than refusing professional help.

One thing I really cannot abide is a nagging spouse.  Proverbs 19:13 says, “the contentions of a wife are a continual dripping.”  This makes me think of an annoying leaky faucet that is so loud it disturbs one’s sleep.  Quit focusing on the negative!  I strongly believe on concentrating on the positive in your spouse and letting minor issues go.  Does she sing off key or have an annoying laugh?  Does that really matter if she is a faithful, gentle, affectionate, Godly wife?  Of course not!  Focus on the issues that really matter such as she would rather buy shoes than pay the bills.  That issue should be up for discussion. 

Let’s be honest, no one is perfect, and there will be negative issues that arise.  When such an issue needs to be addressed, keep in the back of your mind all the things you greatly admire about your soul mate that caused you to fall in love in the first place.  The admiration you have for your spouse should out-weigh the negatives to the point that the negatives do not even add up.  You can learn to let the petty things go.  Save your words for praising your spouse for all he is and all she does for you.  Say it, write it, or even mime it, but let him/her know how much you admire your honey as a husband/wife, parent, lover, and friend. 

Affection:  I am so glad God gave me a man who loves to kiss, hug, and snuggle.  A friend warned me before I got married that I might not find an affectionate man because not all men are so; I should not expect such fantasies.  I ignored that negativity and still asked God for a romantic man.  Mel and I both say, "I love you," innumerable times a day and there is no limit to how much we hug and kiss.  Mel will never turn me down or reject me when I throw my arms around him for a big bear hug and kiss.  In addition, I will never lack kisses, hugs, or compliments.   

I know there are days you do not feel attractive, you are feeling angry with your mate, or you are pressed for time.  And, yes, women, there are certain times of the month, we are too grouchy to even want to kiss (especially after menopause).  During adverse times, being intimate with your spouse can feel more like a chore than a privilege.  While it is best to be honest with your feelings, try to put your negativity aside and focus on your mate.  Often you may not think you are “in the mood,” but once you begin bonding with each other, the less-than-sexy feelings vanish as you give in to the pleasure.  You do not have to spend a long time in the bedroom to show affection, and even a quick make-out session can make you feel connected.  I have some medical issues that cause a lot of pain and weakness, so if I am feeling too poorly to be too romantically active, I am honest with Mel, and he is respectful in not expecting more than I can handle.    

We can all feel rejected and take it personally when our lover is less than enthusiastic in the bedroom more than once and a while.  Making each other feel desired is a huge relationship booster for a marriage.  If you have difficulty being intimate with your spouse more than a few times a month, you may need to seek medical help or psychological counseling to find out why.  Although marriage is not only about sex, it is a big part of it.  It should the cherry on top, not the dirty dishes in the sink.

You should always respect your mate when he/she is not feeling romantic.  Do not make him/her feel guilty.  Talk things out, and when you both feel better, resume your normal routine. 

There is nothing wrong with telling him/her you would rather wait for intimate time until later but do your best not to deprive one another.  Even The Bible suggests the same.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  I Corinthians 7:3-5

When I speak of affection, I do not just mean sex.  Little gestures such as a kiss to greet each other and say good-bye are affirming ways to start and end your day.  Hugs, kisses, flirting, and holding hands are things you should do all throughout each day.  Even simple touching will make you feel loved and connected to each other.  People who feel loved and accepted have much happier marriages and are less likely to stray.

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

Admiration: Inventory all the things you admire about your mate.  One option is to use the theme of this book and make your list at least one attribute from A-Z.  Present it to your spouse as a list on notebook paper, turn it into a poem, or... 

Art Project Option: Cut pieces of plain computer or construction paper into fourths.  Make a 26-page booklet (one page for each letter) using stencils, your own artwork, or computer printouts.  You could even cut out each letter from a variety of scrapbook paper patterns and glue them to the pages.  You can add stickers (especially fun alphabet stickers) if you wish. Make a nice cover for it (you could use scrapbook paper for the cover). One idea is to title it, “The ABCs of What I Love About You.” Punch holes in the sheets of paper then tie them together with embroidery thread, yarn, or even rubber bands.  Be careful to dwell on all the personality traits you admire this week, and not on shallow things.  When the booklet is finished, take the time to read it together.

 

Affection:  Public affection is another way to make your mate feel desirable.  Sit on the same side of the booth or table every time you go out to eat.  Use discretion but make it clear to the whole world you are a couple in love.  When out at a restaurant, whisper sweet nothings in his/her ear that cause each other to blush.  Write sexy notes on a napkin (or keep pre-written love notes in your wallet) and slip it to him/her with a flirtatious smile.  Offer to be each other’s dessert!

Make it a point this week not to turn down any affectionate gesture.  If you are too busy for sex, do not say no, but promise to make time later and follow through. Sometimes just taking a quick shower together in the mornings is enough to keep you feeling bonded all day.

The Number 3: A Threefold Cord

NOTE: While waiting for the new year to start so I can start again with the letter A, I thought I would reshare the few writings I did on the "123s of a Joyful Marriage."

Fun Activity This Week: Two options. Option 1: Create at home (or go to a restaurant), a three-course meal. You can include any three courses, even something simple like coffee before or after the meal.  Celebrate as if it was a holiday and/or have the meal by candlelight! Option 2:  One or both of you choose 3 of your favorite food items and create a fun meal out if it.  In the above artwork, I have made a similar dish with the items (I realize this equals 6 items, but you can each choose 3 so it fits the category 😉.) You can add additional items of course such as seasonings, olive oil, etc. (such as for above I added quinoa and white gravy),but have fun and be creative together!

Week 55: A Threefold Cord

Here is the rest of the verse from last week:

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 
Ecclesiastes 4:12

The "threefold cord" to which Solomon was referring was God. In other words, when you include God in your marriage, your relationship is less likely to end up broken.  You are less likely to cause harm to one another when you want to please God with your actions.  When you follow Biblical principles you are less likely to cheat, steal, lie, or participate in other dishonest and harmful actions that could ultimately break your marriage.

Also, note in the verse that it is easier to stand against something or someone wanting to cause harm to you and/or your marriage when you stand as a united team. Do not let adversity, tragedy, or opposition tear you apart. Stand united and allow God to help hold you and your marriage together.

The more you include God in your marriage in such things as Bible study, prayer, and praise time, the healthier and more joyful your marriage will be!

Marriage-Enhancing Tip for the week: When making any major decisions this week, make sure you both pray about it.  When you consider God's will above both of your own, and stop and think you just may end up surprised how much better the results will be.

Art Project Idea: Make a friendship bracelet out of three different colors. One to represent the husband, one for the wife, and the third for God. You can either wear them, put them on a keychain, hang them in your car, etc. but the idea is that each time you look at them, you will be reminded to make all the right decisions when you acknowledge that Jesus is a part of your marriage.  It will also be an encouraging reminder as well that you have the Lord God Almighty fighting for and with you and your marriage!  If you do not know to how make a bracelet, there are multiple examples on You Tube (I've been making these since the 1980's!) but here is the result of a search; you can choose which video(s) to watch: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=how+to+make+a+friendship+bracelet  Below are the bracelets I made:

The Number 2: Teammates

 

NOTE: While waiting for the new year to start so I can start again with the letter A, I thought I would reshare the few writings I did on the "123s of a Joyful Marriage." 

Fun Activity This Week: Pick two charities, or two people, or two families (or a combination) that you can help this week. You can each pick one with a total of two, or each pick two - it's your choice! If you are in financial need, then volunteer time, donate used (but nice) items, or find other ways to help such as babysitting for free, running errands, or visiting a shut-in. Whatever you choose, do it as a couple to honor the Lord!  

Week 54: Teammates

I know I say it often, but I cannot emphasize enough that the two of you are a team.  Help each other out whenever needed. From big projects to little ones, no task is too insignificant. Don't wait to be asked to help, and do not forget to say thank you, even when your spouse helps with a simple task.

Helping each other does not just include housework and taking care of the kids, but includes physical, emotional, and spiritual support as well. Lift up each other in prayer and be each other's counselor. Do not belittle or downplay feelings you do not understand, or think are beneath you.  Be his/her teammate and help him/her get through all tough times, no matter what it takes; all others can wait!

Marriage-Enhancing Idea for the Week: Read the verses below aloud together and thank God that you have a spouse to be there for you. And promise to always be there for one another, no matter what you face, and no matter what it takes.

Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?
Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

(Next time, I will write about verse 12 that follows the above verses!)

Art Project Idea: Use a version of the phrase I just wrote above. Write something such as, "No matter what we face, and no matter what it takes, I promise to always be there for you!" I am leaving whatever you do with those words up to you. You could add them to a scrapbook style page with some of your favorite photographs; turn the words into a card by writing them on cardstock (or any type of) paper and use your own words inside to  make the same promise as well as tell him/her how much his/her support means to you; just use the words alone and frame in a creative way; create computer art and share in private or post on social media; etc...  Whatever you choose, have fun, and, if you choose, add the words to Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 to your project.

The Number 1: First

 

NOTE: While waiting for the new year to start so I can start again with the letter A, I thought I would reshare the few writings I did on the "123s of a Joyful Marriage." 

Fun Activity This Week: Find a way to show the world that the 2 became 1! Wear husband and wife shirts, matching clothing, or whatever else you can think of. You don't have to buy shirts if it's not in the budget, but trust me, even when you color coordinate, people notice.  Whatever you choose, send a clear message that you and your spouse are 1.

Week 53: First

When we put God first in our marriage, all else will fall into place. Take time out to read the Bible and/or pray together before all other activities (a minimum of once a week) and you will notice how peaceful you feel and act the rest of the day.  Placing the Lord first in all you do obviously will not suddenly cause you to have a stress-free life, but it will enable you to handle the stressful things better as a team.  

Other than placing God first in your priorities in your marriage, we must also seek Jesus out before all others, even our spouse.  Do not seek wealth or fame, but seek Jesus and His righteousness. When we strive to live holy lives, it will automatically make our marriages more joyful because our actions are a lot less likely to harm one another.  Seeking righteousness means you will not want to have an affair, mentally or physically harm one other, see divorce as an option, or a multitude of other sins that could be detrimental to your marriage. Seek Jesus first, place your mate second, all others a distant third, and your marriage will beautifully fall into place!

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Matthew 6:33

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

Evaluate your daily/weekly routine.  Notice how many things you do before reading your Bible.  Consider postponing some activities for later in the day, or even eliminating  idle time to spend more time with the Lord as a couple.

Art Project Idea: Write, type, or print out a meme from the Internet with the words to the above scripture to Matthew 6:33. Add the words to patterned scrapbook paper and frame them. Place these words near your car keys, purse, or briefcase.  If you have not yet spent time with the Lord that morning (I realize this may not be possible on a work morning since you may not be leaving the house at the same time or one of you may still be home asleep, you may need to wait until evening or the weekend). Stop everything and say a prayer thanking God for each other and your marriage and the strength to shine for the Lord as individuals and as a couple. 

Here is a collage I made in May of us wearing our "I love my Husband/Wife" t-shirts. We have other shirts that match (not all are marriage themed) and like to dress in the same colors.

Introduction

Welcome to the sixth year of The ABCs of a Joyful Marriage!  I will be starting over with the letter A on December 24, 2023, but for my new readers, I wanted to repost the introduction.  I took a year off of reposting these writings, and a lot happened in 2022, including having two surgeries for two different cancers.  These blogs will be repeats of the first year I wrote this series, yet as I have grown (hopefully) wiser, I am certain there will be new edits here and there.  If you have already read these writings, feel free to read them again!  

The ABCs of a Joyful Marriage Introduction

Live joyfully with the [spouse] whom thou lovest all the days of the life... which he hath given thee under the sun... for that is thy portion in this life. Ecclesiastics 9:9

 

Why write this particular book?

By writing an instructional book on marriage, one must consider him or herself an expert on such matters.  A degree in psychology validates such a claim.  Publish an article and a few books, and one creates a credible reputation.  Since I cannot claim any degrees or any published items, what makes me think I should write a manual on successful marriage?  I was three months away from turning forty before I entered into the land of matrimony with my perfect match, Mel.  Therefore, I spent many years as a keen observer of all the marriages surrounding me, and I have been able to see what works and what does not.  Before I even met my precious Mel, I knew what kind of wife I wished to be as well as not to be.  There were no false or unfair expectations placed on him or our marriage.  Everyone claimed marriage was hard work, and even the experts say most fall out of love within a year of marrying.  Guess what?  They are all wrong!  Although marriage can sometimes be a challenge, in general, I have not found marriage to be difficult, and after more than eleven years with my soul mate, I have fallen more and more in love (On June 10, 2024, we will have been married for 12 years.).  This is why I must write my own book!  I want to encourage you to believe you are NOT doomed to a loveless marriage immersed in strife. 

Let’s face it, Satan desires that all our marriages will fail, and he is working hard to assure his plans succeed.  I also designed this book to teach you to thwart the schemes of the evil one so that your marriage can be an example of what God intended. 

It does not take a fancy degree to tell you how to have a successful marriage.  It takes life experience.  Even more so, it takes God!  I based this book on the principles of Jesus Christ.   If we study and read His holy words, we will see how all of the teachings of Jesus relate to how we should treat our spouse.  When we follow the words of our Heavenly teacher, we can have a peaceful and romantic marriage. 

What does this book contain?

Although there are 104 words, I have divided them into 52 chapters for the sake of a weekly devotional.  However, you do not have to take a year to read this book, nor start in January.  It is entirely up to you on how fast or slow you wish to absorb the material.  The words are not in order of importance, but merely alphabetical!

I know I repeat myself at times, especially using the same Bible verses.  Although I feel all the points I try to make in this book are vital, I reemphasize several issues to help you remember them better and give you multiple ways in which you can put them into use. 

I am a natural storyteller, so sometimes I may tell you a story from my life rather than write an article pertaining to one or both of the words that week.  I want to show you that I practice what I preach, and I am not just writing all these lessons based on empty theories.  I know that following the principles of Jesus work because I have a marriage full of love, romance, peace, and joy. 

I have included suggestions on how to apply the two words of the week to enhance your marriage.  I designed these simple concepts to stretch your way of thinking for the week, with the hopes it will create new habits that stick around.  

Each chapter also includes an easy, optional art project as a memento to show that you are willing to enhance your marriage.  I realize that some husbands may not want to do the art projects, but they are all very easy, so I hope the men will at least consider it.  Most of these projects you can do as a couple unless it is as a surprise.  But, husbands, please do not dismiss this book for women only just because I include artsy fun; I list these projects all as optional for men and women alike and you can pick and choose which ones to do or do none at all!  Either way, just know that your spouse will love that your effort shows off your love, no matter how the project looks!

I chose homemade suggestions for several reasons.  The main one is that it does not take money to show your love.  I have read too many marriage books where the majority of the romance tips require the bank account of a wealthy person.  I find this frustrating because not everyone can afford a surprise trip or even a hotel or fancy dinner.  Most of us live on a tight budget, which means not being able to afford spontaneous romantic events.  Therefore, I have written my tips for the average person and not just for the wealthy. 

You also do not need to be creative or consider yourself talented.  I cannot draw a straight line with a ruler (Really!), but I still love to make fun things.  I kept the projects easy to save time as I know many people are busy and do not have a lot of time for leisure, and I do not want these projects to be a stress, but a joy!  You can make these projects as fancy or as plain as you like, and I am certain there are those out there that can much improve upon my ideas as well as come up with ideas of your own.  I also tend to give you multiple options as I want you to make it the best way that suits you and your mate’s personalities. 

I made most of my projects with items I already had at home.  In case you need to stock up, I would suggest keeping the following items on hand: plain, scrapbook, wrapping, and/ or construction paper; scissors; glue; embroidery thread, yarn, or ribbon; a hole punch; markers, crayons, coloring pencils, and/or coloring pens; and boxes roughly the size of a shoe or tissue box (you can reuse the same box).  Note: you can also use empty oatmeal canisters, coffee cans, etc.  for any of the projects that require boxes.  Stencils, stickers, and glitter are helpful, but optional.  If you do not like to draw, you can always print pictures from the Internet, or cut out pictures from magazines.  I also save cardboard from shipping boxes, pizza box inserts, and the like.

You will notice I often suggest framing the art projects and/or placing them on display.  This does not mean you have to permanently put anything on display or buy a bunch of frames.  The suggestion to frame is mostly just for that week unless you choose otherwise.  You can rotate the art and just have it on view long enough to let the message of the week sink in!

In addition to the tips listed at the end of the chapter, I have added a piece of my artwork every week.  I know I am not very talented, but I am not attempting illuminous cottages, just some simple caricatures for visual effect.  More important than the lighthearted artwork is the included idea for a fun activity to try every week.  I realize that some of these are seasonal and if you start this book in January (for example), you will not be able to pick apples at an orchard as suggested with the letter A.  Or there may not be snow on the ground when it comes to the suggestion for letter S.  I realize you may not have time every week for extra fun, but most of these do not take much time.  You can shuffle the ideas around and do them as you are able.  The point is to try something fun and maybe even new-to-you every week or so.  Of course, you do not need to stick with my ideas, but come up with your own.  If you have children, you can include them in most of the fun or just make it a date for the two of you.  Some suggestions may cost money, but with minimal amounts.  You can also be creative by interpreting the ideas your own way.  Say, for the letter C, if you cannot afford a fee for camping (or if it is the wrong time of year), you can build a tent in your bedroom with blankets and use flameless candles to simulate fire (We have done this, and it is fun!), or if you have a tent, set it up in the living room.  You get the idea!    

Who is the intended audience?

I tried to make the advice gender neutral.  Based on conversations with my spouse, I attempt to write from both points of view so that both genders will enjoy the book.  My goal would be for you to read this as a couple, but if not, I hope both husbands and wives will feel free to read this book and use the tips to enhance your marriage! 

This book is for all marriages in all stages.  Engaged, newlyweds, and oldie-weds.  Whether you consider your marriage perfect or needing some help, you should still be able to use the tips and advice to help you see your relationship in a new way.

I also encourage single people to read this as well, even if you have no prospects for marriage at the present.  By reading this book pre-marriage, you can see in advance that marriage is not as all the stereotypes state, and you may very well go into all relationships with a more positive perspective.

And, yes, this book is for adults only.  Sex is a big part of marriage, so I do delve into the subject unabashedly.  While I am not graphic, I make my point clear that God has designed us for pleasure and heterosexual married sex is a gift straight from heaven.

 

What do I hope to accomplish?

My number one goal is to help you realize that by placing God at the head of your marriage and practicing the principles taught by Jesus, you would have a joyful, romantic, and peaceful marriage.

I realize there are some marriages that cannot be easily fixed by reading a book.  The reality is that there are many who are married to one who needs professional help.  There is never any shame in seeking outside assistance.  Yet, just reading this book and admitting where your marriage needs help is the first step to a better marriage. 

If you are married to a partner that can be cold and unresponsive, be encouraged and do not refuse to follow these ideas just because your mate may not appreciate your efforts.  Acts of love and kindness are never a waste of time, and you never know when even a simple act will soften the ice around your mate’s heart.  I often give handmade or home-baked gifts to friends and family, but not all appreciate the work that goes into the gifts, and I do not always receive a thank-you.  However, I still enjoy making things as an act of love and sometimes the action of making something for someone a bit cold is a healing project for my own heart.  Same concept here.  Making something for your mate can be healing for you, even if it ends up in the garbage.  Just being proactive will help you focus on your mate’s heart instead of focusing only on your own feelings.  It will also allow you to feel more compassion and less criticism towards your chosen one. 

Please pray before and/or after each chapter and ask God to speak to your heart on where you need to improve and pray God will heal your marriage as needed. 

Acknowledgments:

 

As with everything I do, this book is all for the glory of God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.  God is the author of the ideal marriage. 

I also dedicate this book to my precious husband, Mel.  He inspires all I do.  He is my support, my best friend, soul mate, and passion.  With Mel, life is full of meaning and purpose.  I do my best to practice what I preach because Mel deserves a Biblical wife willing to give him a life full of peace, joy, romance, and love.  Afterall, it is exactly what he gives me!

I pray this book will enhance your marriage and help encourage you to live your marriage all for the glory of God!

All Scripture verses used in are King James Version unless otherwise noted.