Week 27: Negative Generational Chains & Negative Self-Image

Fun Activity This Week:  Nickle-and-Dime it this week.  Only buy what is necessary and put what you save in a can (or in a savings account) for a special occasion or donate to charity.

Week 27: Negative Generational Chains & Negative Self-Image

Negative Generational Chains:  By now, you should know I do not beat around the bush.  I write on tough topics because, one, I write what God lays on my heart, no matter how difficult the subject, and two, I hope to challenge people to examine their marriages and fix what needs to be fixed.  This week's topic is no exception.  Every time I pray whether or not to include this issue, I feel I should.  God wants us all to learn to break the negative generational chains holding us back. This is not about playing the blame game, holding grudges, or being judgmental of other people's flaws, it is only about learning to identity your own negative traits that may stem from your past, and learning to heal from them.

Before we are even old enough to consider getting married, we think we know what marriage is supposed to look like based on the way we see our parents treating one another.  For some, they see a wonderful and loving example of parents who are united as one and treat each other with true love and respect.  They see how serving God in marriage as a partnership can work.  However, good marital examples are a rarity and using your parents as an example of how to treat your spouse is not necessarily a good thing.  In some cases, it can sour those against ever wanting to get married, and/or it can create many generations of abusive spouses.  However, I am here to tell you that you are not either one of your parents (or stepparents). You can break the generational chains of disrespect, infidelity, drunkenness, abandonment, abuse, and so on.

If you saw your mother rolling her eyes at your father when he asked her not to wear short skirts and low-cut tops, chances are you will do the same.  If you saw your father disappear for hours on end to go drinking at the bar, you are probably following his lead.   Yet you do not have to follow your parents' bad examples.  I have seen many models of bad marriages, and I was determined never to act that way toward my husband.  I try very hard to be a Biblical wife, treat my husband with the utmost respect, and allow him to be the leader of our home.  I will never be a perfect wife and I always have more to learn, but my stubborn streak pays off when it comes to being determined to be a good wife.

And the Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth,  keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the sin of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation.” So Moses made haste and bowed his head toward the earth, and worshiped.  Exodus 34: 6-8

These are tricky verses.  I had to re-read it several times and asked Mel to give me his thoughts.  One family can carry on a very negative tradition of sins such as alcoholism, drug abuse, molestation, pornography addiction, etc.  But if even one person in that family (such as yourself) repents and changes his ways, he will instantly be forgiven and will not have to carry the weight of the sins of countless generations before him. 

I knew a woman who was afraid to get married for many years because her mother could not stay faithful to her father.  She was terrified that she would carry this same generational chain and that she would not be capable of fidelity.  She decided she would rather stay single than get married and wound a man as deeply as she saw her father injured.  She told me it was not until she fell in love on such a deep level, that she finally knew beyond the shadow of any doubt, that she would never cheat on him.  It is that kind of intense love that drives her to purity.  She is 100% committed to her husband and will always be so.  She still prays that God will always keep her marriage pure because she cannot succeed on her own.  With God's help combined with her own sincere love, she knows she has broken the negative generational chains of infidelity. 

There are many examples I could point out where children are afraid of being like their parents.  And worse yet, are just like them.  However, do not ever use the excuse that you are an abuser just because your mother or father was.  My father's mother was very abusive, and his father abandoned the family when my dad was seven years old.  Yet my father grew up to be a loving dad.  He broke the negative generational chains of abuse and abandonment.

No matter what negative generational sins you are facing, with God's help, you can break those chains.  You cannot just sit around and whine about feeling trapped and guilty; you must take the steps to seek help.  You absolutely can overcome it!   

Now it happened, as soon as the kingdom was established in his hand, that he executed his servants who had murdered his father the king.  But the children of the murderers he did not execute, according to what is written in the Book of the Law of Moses, in which the Lord commanded, saying, “Fathers shall not be put to death for their children, nor shall children be put to death for their fathers; but a person shall be put to death for his own sin."  II Kings 14:5-7

Although some people do have violent sins in their family’s past, I am not writing about murder, but these verses show that we are not to bare the guilt of our parents' sins.  If your father molested a child, for example, you are not to be punished for his crime.  Even if such thoughts disgust you and you have no inclination ever to harm a child, you could still be suffering guilt for what your parent did.  Let those that are sinners bare their own guilt and punishment; that is not your job.   

There are no excuses for sin, so stop using your heritage or DNA as a crutch.  Break the chains of negative generational sins.  It is never too late and with God’s help, you can be the model husband or wife God intended! 

Negative Self-Image:  Mel and I pretty much live in blissful happiness. The sun is always shining, the birds are always singing, and we are crazy in love. Yes, life is truly wonderful, but neither one of us claims perfection. In fact, we admittedly have the same flaw: we both have a negative self-image. These insecurities have been the source for 80% of our tiffs. I am not saying we have very many fights, because we only have a few here and there.  I am saying that the few times we do, this is the basis for it. Mostly because one of us has misunderstood what the other was saying or misinterpreted an action. Rather than communicating right away, we let our insecurity create an imaginary offense and felt hurt. Luckily, we know each other very well, and can quickly tell when the other is upset. Even when one of us says we are okay when we are not, we ultimately talk about what caused hurt feelings. Even when we are angry and want to retreat, we always eventually talk things through.

I am not going to write about the specifics of our disagreements because they are private, but I will say that one of my insecurities (and believe me, I have several), has to do with my looks. My husband is so complementary and gazes at me with such love in his eyes, and yet, whenever there is a beautiful woman in view, I feel like the dog-faced girl. All the insecurities I have about my body, my thin hair, and crooked teeth all weigh me down like a wet wool sweater. I cannot see the truth staring me down in Mel’s beautiful blue and green eyes that he adores me and only me. I fully trust that he will always be faithful, and that is not the issue, but just feeling ugly in the presence of the man I am so crazy about makes me shrink away and put up walls. Of course, as soon as we talk things through, I am back to normal.

All the wasted energy spent on feeling upset about an imaginary issue would be easily solved if I could let go of my own vanity and fully embrace Mel’s acceptance of me. He tells me all day long how beautiful he thinks I am and how much he loves me. I know it is still sometimes hard to believe that someone as amazing as Mel would truly love me, but he does. I know he does. I would not have married him if I did not believe it. I just need to let the truths of Mel’s love envelop me like a big, fluffy bathrobe.

Bottom line on this issue is for all of us to learn to let go of whatever insecurities may be keeping us from fully accepting our spouse’s love and not to place our doubts on our honey’s shoulders. It is not fair to make someone else responsible for something he/she had nothing to do with. It will also reduce the amount of tension we may create with each other.

I know in my case that the next time I feel hurt by something my husband says or does, I am going to ask myself, “Does this truly reflect the way Mel sees me? Would he really think such a thing I am assuming he is thinking? Am I putting unsaid words in his mouth? Or is my insecurity causing me to hear what had never been said?  Do I trust in his love?” I know the answer to the last question will always be yes, and that will open up more time for snuggles and less time for struggles!

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

Negative Generational Chains:  Art Project Option: Make an actual chain.  No, I do not expect you to become welders, but make it out of paper.  I would recommend any color of plain paper this time, but even patterned paper will do.  Cut out strips of paper and write on the separate strips all you would consider to be negative generational chains.  Include even things you may think of as a minor such as swearing, critical attitude, disrespecting spouse, etc., as well as the major issues such as infidelity, abuse, pornography, theft, alcoholism, etc. Now tape or glue the strips into loops and link them together to form a chain.  I am sure you did this as a child!  I really hope you both choose to do this project because I would like for you to pray over this list with your mate and pray that God will help you both find the victory over these generational chains.  Then tear the chain apart.  Rip each link into shreds (or you could even safely burn them) as a sign that your negative generational chains are gone for good!    

On an additional note: this is also a good time for healing and focusing on forgiving any wrongs your parent(s) or other relatives caused you intentionally or unintentionally. Do not wait for anyone to ask to be forgiven, you are not responsible for the condition of hearts, but your own. Forgive just as Jesus forgives you!

Negative Self-Image:  Make an effort this week to learn to accept every compliment given to you by your sweetie.  If your hubby tells you that you look great without makeup, do not roll your eyes and tell him he’s blind.  If your wife tells you that you are sexy, do not pat your belly and tell her you need to lose weight.  Instead, learn to say, “Thank you, honey!”  Train your brain to trust the one you married truly believes you are beautiful/handsome!

Week 26 Fun Activity

 

This Week's Fun Activity was to "visit an art or historical museum... or look at books or photos on-line of beautiful art and/or historical items.  Many museums have photos on-line and some even have virtual tours."

These pictures are from our 12th anniversary day trip we took to Astoria, OR where we visited the Columbia River Maritime Museum. We took more than 100 photos, so this is just a small sample of the wonderful museum, which included a tour of a lighthouse boat docked in the harbor outside the museum.

Week 26 Short Video

 

Week 26 Art Project

 

Week 26: Mercy & Money

Fun Activity This Week:  Visit an art or historical museum.  None in your area, or it is not in your budget, then look at books or photos on-line of beautiful art and/or historical items.  Many museums have photos on-line and some even have virtual tours.  Mel and I are both history buffs, and even looking at photos is interesting to us.

 

Week 26: Mercy & Money

Mercy:  Just as we expect others to be merciful toward us when we make mistakes, show the utmost mercy toward your spouse and always be ready to forgive.  Do not hold a grudge or later throw back in his/her face something done weeks or months ago.  Furthermore, do not plot how to get even.  Give your mate the benefit of the doubt and learn to talk things out and/or let the little things go.

If your spouse has done something that has offended you and you truly feel like you cannot let it go, then please find the time to talk about it before you go to sleep.  Ephesians 4:26 gives this excellent advice, “Be angry, and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your wrath."  It is best to confront things when fresh in your mind.  When you stew over something, it tends to get bigger rather than smaller.

I have said it before, and I promise it is true; Mel and I very rarely fight. I cannot even recall the last time we had a serious argument, but I believe the last time we had a shouting match was in 2014.  Part of the reason we so rarely argue is because we communicate so well and because we do not let the little things get to us.  Neither one of us is prefect in any way, and there are things we do that irritate the other.  However, because we are so deeply in love and so truly respect one another, we do not keep a list of these things to throw back in the other's face.  If Mel does not feel like telling me right away that I did something to hurt his feelings in November, he is not going to say to me in December, "Well you bit my head off last month and I am still upset by it."  Nor am I going to say, "Well, you said something that hurt my feelings in June, July, and August!"  Of course not, because we let the little things go.  

I am certainly not suggesting you confront every little thing that irritates you. For one thing, as you know by now, that I cannot stand nagging wives or husbands.  For another, you may have woken up cranky and something big will seem much smaller once you have had your coffee. Only discuss the things you think could affect your marriage negatively.  If you truly think you will be over it in an hour or two and it is not worth stirring up angry feelings, let it go, and do not store it in your brain to confront your spouse with at a later date.  The Bible says it better: He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, but he who is impulsive exalts folly. Proverbs 14:29, & So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. James 1:19  

I Corinthians 13:5 gives us excellent advice by reminding us that love keeps no record of wrongs (NIV).  The New King James Version words I Corinthians 13:5 a little different and says, love “thinks no evil.” So, keeping track of all the times your spouse has hurt your feelings is thinking evil toward one another.  Unless your partner has a pattern of abuse, chances are, he/she did not truly mean to hurt your feelings.  If it really bothers you that much, then please let each other know and talk about it so the problem can be resolved. 

He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you, but to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Money:  Although I talked about materialism last week, this week I will be more specific in matters of how to handle money issues in your marriage.  Statistics state that the number one reason couples fight and often even break up is over money.  If you follow a few simple ideas, there is no reason money should cause so much harm.  

I know several couples that have separate bank accounts.  One of the reasons was, sadly, that the husband was wasting their money on alcohol and the wife had to get a secret account so her family could eat.  Another reason was that the wife spent all of her money, then took her husband’s income without asking, and gave it to her children from her first marriage.  Unless these are your issues, there is no reason to keep your money separate.  If your spouse is an irresponsible spender and cannot be trusted to waste money on frivolous or immoral things, you may need to seek professional help.  Genesis 2:24 says that we become one when we marry, that means we share all things.  

Mel and I very much have the attitude of “what’s mine is yours and yours is mine.”  We know what the other spends, and the only time a purchase is a secret is if it is for a happy surprise.  Even then, we have a rule (as many couples do) that we do not spend more than a set amount without clearing it with the other, even for gifts.  So choose an amount you want your partner to discuss with you before it is spent.

If one of you is better at organization, there is nothing wrong with designating one of you as the “banker” of the family.  I am the one responsible for budgeting, but because I enjoy creating lists and charts and being organized, I do not mind doing it.  However, if the banker is feeling overwhelmed, consider swapping roles on a rotating schedule.  I know of families where the one in charge of the checkbooks resented the role and it caused friction.  If neither of you is capable of keeping track, there is no shame in that.  Rather than find yourselves in the negative a little too often or short on money and struggling to survive at the end of the month, take a class in finance for help.  Churches quite often offer free or inexpensive money managing seminars.  Alternatively, if you really feel it is a necessity and you can afford it, hire an accountant.

I am certainly not a financial adviser and made plenty of mistakes in my younger days, but God has since instilled in me the wisdom of planning and keeping a strict financial plan. We keep a tight budget for each month, and if we are worried we will go over (which is rare), we sit down together and discuss what adjustments need to be made to keep our funds where they need to be.  Figure out what is coming in versus what is going out (bills, necessities, and even fun money).  Find time together every day or two (you decide how often) to go over all money spent that day to assure there are no stresses or surprises in the budget.

Consider starting a savings account.  For the majority of our marriage, we had no savings as we barely live paycheck to paycheck.  If this is your situation, I understand.  However, even if you only set aside $5-$10 every two weeks, the money adds up, and it is a comfort just knowing you have a small cushion either for emergencies, a vacation, or something fun. In 2018 I worked a seasonal job from May-September, so every month we set aside enough money to help us pay our large winter power bill as well as making it possible for us to move in 2019.  The first year we had that extra savings to fall back on was a huge stress reliever.

Try your very best never to get into debt.  Homes and vehicles are inevitable debt manufacturers, but what I am referring to is credit cards.  Too often, one is tempted to use the card more and more and the bill becomes an added burden to your finances.  If you have credit cards, try to save it for real emergencies, not just for an ice cream craving.  And do your best to pay down the balance as quickly as possible since the fees paid on interest rates are usually money wasted.

If you follow all the above suggestions and still find yourselves fighting over money, please take a class on money management and/or talk to a counselor.  

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

Mercy: Forgive past and present errors. Show mercy when wrongs are committed.  Do not hang past offenses over each other’s head.  Make a genuine effort to put the past where it belongs and focus on today!   

Money: Put into practice at least one idea from the above writing, such as starting a savings account.  Whatever you choose to do (or even if none of the above), take time this week and discuss how your finances are handled and make certain you are on the same page.  If not, do your best to find a compromise that will make both of you happy.

Art Project Option:  Ironically enough, you might need to spend money for this project, but less than $2.00 if you utilize a thrift or dollar store.  But you don't have to, you can create your own fake money or buy a game that uses money (unless you own such a game and never play it) such as Monopoly, or buy play money, draw money, print a design off the Internet, or find scrapbook or wrapping paper that looks like money.  You are going to create a mobile.  For the top section, use a large piece of cardboard (you can glue some of the “money” here or cover it with plain paper), and write something like, “You are priceless to me,” or “Your love is worth more than all the money in the world.”  Now glue as many fake bills as you wish to individual pieces of cardboard.  On each bill, write a word or phrase that describes how priceless your mate is to you.  Punch holes in the top of the money and connect them to the larger cardboard and to each other with thread, yarn, or even rubber bands.  You can even use fake coins as decorations as you see fit.  Hang this near the area where you pay your bills so you can be reminded that love is more important that money. 

Week 25 Short Video

 Recorded in 2020.

Week 25 Art Project

 

This week's art project option was to "create a project to list all of the ways your spouse provides for you that has nothing to do with money.  You can create a booklet similar to weeks 1, 11, or 2o but with this new theme. Or you can create something on the computer such as in week 18, or write the words on hearts such as week 23, or even make a framed collage (with or without photos) such as in weeks 13 or 16.  I am being vague this week, but I want to leave it up to you to decide how you creatively let your spouse know that he/she is the best provider possible!"  I chose to create this for our anniversary based off the words I wrote in this week's blog.  When we get a printer, or I can pay to have an on-line company print it for me, I will someday get this framed.

Week 25: Materialism & Menopause

Fun Activity This Week: Plan a menu of all your favorite foods, even if it is just for dessert.

Week 25: Materialism & Menopause

Materialism:  One of the main sources couples state for marital problems are issues over money (see next week for more advice on this issue).  Please do not make your marriage about things.  Mel and I are both collectors of various items, but hobbies are not our highest priority.  Rather than being caught up in things, we are certain to spend a lot of time with each other, not our “toys.”  

We have been married for twelve years, and the majority of that time has been spent with a very tight budget.  I am actually grateful for the extremely lean times because we have learned to rely on God and each other, not money.

I learned long before I was married that it is very important to a man’s ego to be a good provider of material things.  Now that I am married, what I have come to understand is what being a provider truly means.  Yes, we need money to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads, but happiness has nothing to do with materialism.  Therefore, no matter how much money you make, you can never buy a successful marriage.  You can buy a sense of financial security, but you cannot buy love or true joy.

Let me paint you a picture.

I bought my first house at the age of twenty-five and worked jobs that allowed me to be financially secure.  I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself.  Yet those fourteen years I spent living alone as an independent, self-sufficient woman did not bring me any sense of peace.  I felt like I was going through the motions, not really living life.  I was more like a vague shadow of myself living in black and white.  My smiles were shallow.  My days and nights were lonely.  My life felt empty and meaningless.  I felt like an ugly, unlovable, pointless waste of space.

Then March 6, 2012 came.  I met Mel (tears come to my eyes and a smile overtakes my face as I type this).  I had spent thirty-nine years as a shy wallflower, hating meeting new people, always uncomfortable around someone I did not know.  Yet, as determined as I was to put up walls and push Mel away before giving him a chance, he began melting the ice around my heart almost immediately.  As I sat and listened to him talk about the things of God, I could not keep my eyes off his captivating smile and adorable dimples.  And what beautiful two-tone eyes and sweet accent!  I would not have admitted it then, but I knew the day we met, in spite of all my fears of rejection and misgivings about marriage, this man was going to be in my life forever.  In less than a week, I was admittedly head over heels in love and could have married him on the spot.  What was even more surprising, this wonderful, miracle of a man was madly in love with me as well!  We were married ninety-six days after our first date!  Long gone are the days of feeling worthless. 

What has my husband provided for me that is worth far more than materialism?  Mel has brought color to my world.  He has given my life joy, meaning, happiness, self-worth, peace, and true security!  I feel like the ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan.  I do not mean that in a conceited sense, but I say that because Mel makes me feel like a queen.  I feel so much better about myself.  Before, when I looked ahead, all I ever saw was a thin, blank, dark book.  One I wanted closed shut and left on the shelf, not caring to know what was in the next chapter as I knew it would be exactly the same as the last.  Now I see a future full of sunshine and light.  A big, thick book I want to pull off the self, read, and add to daily.  I cannot wait to see where God takes us next!

I know this all seems a bit dramatic, but I promise this is all exactly as I have felt then and now.  Mel is indeed a good provider!  He has given me a completely new life!  No amount of money or things could provide the love, hope, and wonderment Mel brings me every day.  I Thank God every day for such a precious gift, and thank Mel for being the perfect provider!

           Now go and thank God and your spouse for all he/she brings you that money can never buy!  

Menopause: Even if you are many years away from menopause, I believe you can still benefit from reading these next few paragraphs as all hormonal stages apply.  This not a medical or science lecture, just relating my story and hope it helps both husbands and wives with dealing with this very real and often sensitive issue.

One thing that drives me and, I am certain, most women, bananas is when men make snide comments about women's hormones.  Anytime a woman seems more angry or sad than usual, the men say things such as, "It must be that time of the month, stay clear of her!" While women must admit that yes, hormones can play a significant role in our moods, our husbands need to learn how hurtful these blanket statements can be.  Although I do my best to try to control my moods, sometimes, breaking free of a super grouchy or bluesy day can feel impossible.  Praying does help me overcome some of these hormonal mood swings, but just as important is having a spouse that needs to be more kind and less critical. It is best to talk things out with your husband and explain what you are feeling and how he can help.  Also, it is perfectly okay to remind the men in our lives that that, whether they admit it or not, they have their own hormonal mood swings as well!

I will be 52 years old in September 2024, I have been in menopause since 2021.  I had my right ovary removed in 2019 due to a noncancerous tumor.  In 2023 I t had my left ovary removed, then 6 weeks later, I had a complete abdominal hysterectomy, these last 2 surgeries due to both ovarian and endometrial cancer. So, yes, I have a clear understanding of menopause in varying stages, but because of the tumors, my pre-menopause phase was shorter than most.  In 2019, I went quickly into more frequent mood swings and extreme hot flashes (no joke, a minimum of 20-30 a day, and still having them).  

The very best way for me to handle the changes I was experiencing, including the very real depressed emotion of the finalization that I would never get to be a mother, was first to pray for strength, and then to talk things through with my husband.  When I know I am having difficulty lifting a negative hormonal fog, I make sure I admit what I am feeling to my husband and make sure he doesn't take me personally.  He is usually very gracious and understanding.  He is also very understanding about the many, many hot flashes I have. Hot flashes are more than just feeling like your body temperature instantly raises to 150 degrees, it can make you feel panicked, angry, and makes it hard to concentrate as you are fighting what feels like heat stroke (although in reality, your body temperature is literally dropping, not raising).  To me, it reminds me of feeling claustrophobic, as if I have been placed in a hot little box and I cannot escape. My husband realizes that I may need to stop whatever I am doing to get in front of a fan and cool off, even if I have to interrupt an important conversation.  Unless I am out of the house, I usually have a fan near me at all times so I can cope with the extremes.  This helps a lot.

No matter what hormonal stage you are in, my main advice for this week is to simply talk things out with your spouse.  He probably has no clue what you are truly feeling, so help him understand, and gently let him know it is not okay to make fun of you or criticize you when your hormones are making it difficult to control your emotions.  Try not to use this as an excuse to be mean to others but be honest with what you are experiencing.  No, hormonal issues are not easy to deal with, especially menopause, but with healthy communication, you and your spouse will make it through without fighting.  

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Materialism: Be non-materialistic this weekend or even for a full week.  Except for the necessities such as bills, groceries, gas, etc., buy nothing you want.  Try to find things to do free such as going for a walk or playing a board game.  If you do not drink your coffee at home, try skipping the over-priced latte this week to save money.  If it is an option, go home during your lunch break and eat together, or try free samples at the mall or grocery store for a fun lunch or snack.  The point is about remembering what is important – time together.  If you choose, extend this experiment to two weeks or longer.  You can even start a savings jar and place all the money you normally would have spent in the jar.  You can use the money for a nice dinner out, save for something special you have both been wanting, or donate the money to charity.

Art Project Option: Create a project to list all of the ways your spouse provides for you that has nothing to do with money.  You can create a booklet similar to weeks 1, 11, or 2o but with this new theme. Or you can create something on the computer such as in week 18, or write the words on hearts such as week 23, or even make a framed collage (with or without photos) such as in weeks 13 or 16.  I am being vague this week, but I want to leave it up to you to decide how you creatively let your spouse know that he/she is the best provider possible!

Menopause: Talk things out.  Be as honest as possible about all you are feeling when you know your hormones are fluctuating.  Do not be embarrassed to admit to being grouchy or sad, and make sure your mate understands all you are going through, including the non-emotional symptoms such as bloating, cramping, and hot flashes.

Week 24 Short Video

 

Week 24 Art Project

 

This week's art project was to: "Make a train out of cardboard or any other material (I made mine 2D, but you could make one 3D) with an engine that has a unique title.  This can be reimagined in many ways.  You can use any type of paper instead of cardboard.  You can print pictures of trains and the items that go in the boxcars from the internet rather than drawing.  You could even buy a toy train and fill the cars with miniatures to represent your unique love. I chose the train theme because Mel collects trains, but you could use any symbol you like that is unique to your marriage such as cars, wagons, or just plain boxes."

As always, you can view the video that goes with this art project on the Facebook page (click or tap the Facebook cover photo on the right side of this blog site.)

Week 24: Love & Loyalty

Fun Activity This Week:  Learn any new skill you have always wanted to learn.  Although it is fun to learn together, you do not have to choose the same thing.  It can be something easy you learn in a day or two, to a life-long process.  Be each other's encourager in whatever you choose to learn.

Week 24: Love & Loyalty 

Love:  I realize this entire blog is all about love, but this week I want to write about what it truly means when you say you are in love. 

Many of the books on marriage are painting such a picture of doom and gloom that if I was not married, they would probably scare me away from it. In fact, as soon as we became engaged, and I read some of these books they did scare me!  They make it sound as if marriage is a constant struggle and it requires so much effort that you practically need a Ph.D. just to survive a year without divorce.  However, I am here to tell you that is ridiculous!  Now I am not naïve enough to believe that all people are sweet, complacent, and respectful of their spouse.  There are a lot of people that are very argumentative and always want to have the last word.  There are also many bossy people that want to control everyone around them and refuse to listen to anyone’s opinion except their own.  There are also a lot of emotional and physical bullies that suffocate the life out of everyone.  All these types of people are going to be in difficult marriages that most likely will fail without seeking help and changing their ways.  We will all go through hard times and have grouchy days but learning to respect each other and keep communicating no matter what you are going through makes a big difference.

I am going to tell you how I see love based on how I feel.  This is my opinion alone.  I am simply me, non-published, no degree, a childless housewife married since June 2012.  But I am happy, and my marriage is full of peace and joy.  Even though life is often difficult, my marriage is easy.  I have made mistakes as a wife, but I would never intentionally harm my husband, and this is why:

I truly love Mel with all my body, mind, and soul, his happiness is more important than my own.  I wish I could create a perfect cocoon of pleasure and bliss that he can live in forever, and where no harm will ever come to him.  Because I am in love, the idea of fighting and conflict with him makes me sick to my stomach and I always want peace between us. 

This does not mean never speaking up or having an opinion.  However, being argumentative and always having to be right should not be my goal.  It is listening to Mel's opinions and weighing all sides.  I realize we are all human and even those madly in love will not always agree, and there are times I believe I am the one in the right, but that does not mean screaming at my spouse is the way to get my point across.  Because I love him, I want to be so in tuned that we practically think in unison.  That means I do not want conflict and do not have the need to be right all the time.  I realize there are some issues I can let go.  By the way, we actually agree on almost everything and have extremely few disagreements, and when we do, they are very minor and over quickly because we cannot stand to see the other upset.

Because I truly love Mel, I never want to see him in pain.  Therefore, it is pretty obvious I would never intentionally cause him physical or emotional harm.  I love Mel so much that I have told him many times that I would take on all his past, present, and future hurts as well as any physical pain he feels if only he could be pain-free forever.  I mean that with all my heart.   

Because I truly love Mel, I want to give him all of me.  I want to make him enjoy his sex life and feel satisfied.  And because I love him, he satisfies me, and I truly love our intimate time together.  I love the pleasure side of our marriage because I am so madly in love with him.  Our time of intimacy is very important to me, and not just for the physical side, but also for the romance and bonding it brings to our lives. Of course, Mel is honorable and would request anything in our love life that was immoral, or I would not go along with it. Love does not mean agreeing to go against the rules of the Bible or asking someone else to do so.

Because I truly love Mel, I trust him with my life, and I want to make sure he feels the same.  This means I would never want to purposely deceive or cheat on him.  I want that trust for a lifetime.

Love is not temporary; love is permanent.  I say to Mel all the time, “I want you forever.”  This is not a figure of speech.  I literally want him for all eternity.  This means I would never intentionally do anything that would cause a rift between us.  I would never give him reason to leave me.  I want my husband forever.  Therefore, I will do my best to make our forever peaceful, compromising, effortless, relaxed, enjoyable, helpful, romantic, selfless, forgiving, gentle, hopeful, joyful, agreeable, diplomatic, truthful, and faithful! 

Loyalty: This week is not just about standing up for sexual purity within marriage, or even just about the way one dresses.  This week has more to do with vanity, or more specifically, being so vain you place your ego above your mate to the point you have become disloyal to your marriage.

Let's start with Facebook (and other social media).  I see so many men and women who are married that have only a picture of themselves as a profile picture.  This is not so bad, (although I believe husbands and wives should have a joint Facebook page) but what irritates me is when they are posed in a provocative way and/or dressed to show off their body.  A look of, "Hey, everybody, check me out; aren't I cute!" is written all over their face. Rather than, "Look at my spouse and me; aren't we an adorable couple?"  Simply including your mate in your profile picture says to the world that you are very happily spoken for, and you are proud of your marriage.  In this case, I believe showing off is perfectly acceptable!  In addition, do not try to out-shine your spouse in photos. Stand side by side, not one of you as the focus and the other somewhere behind you! You are partners, so show the world you view each other as equals!

As I have previously written, I do not like the way many women dress.  It is bad enough to see a teenager with her rear end hanging out, but when I see a woman with a man (whether he is the husband or not) dressed in way that leaves little to the imagination, it really makes me sad (especially when they have kids with them).  Mel has put it perfectly; he says that women like that are not ever going to be loyal.  If she wants all men's eyes on her, then she is not honoring the man she is with, be it boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.  Logic says if she is willing to show off plenty skin just to get attention, and does not care who she titillates, she is willing to cheat on her spouse.  Whether you agree or not, any man or woman wanting to be eye candy for everyone else is a form of emotionally cheating on your spouse. It is okay to want to look nice, but it is wrong to want to be sexually provocative. If you do not want the attention, then why dress that way?  You can be perfectly comfortable in a modest sundress, capris, and not a drop of cleavage needs to be showing even in 100-degree temperatures.  Therefore, using the excuse that it is hot will not work; the truth is that it is all about vanity. And more importantly, single or not, dressing provocatively is displeasing to the Lord!

What it comes down to is whether you are more interested in seeking out the attention of the opposite sex because you know you have a good body and/or attractive face, and you really enjoy the ego boost, or do you love your spouse so much that you want only his/her eyes on you?  I have seen many women dressed modestly and still be fashionable.  I am fifty-one years old, and I need to lose weight, but even if I had the perfect figure and had the perfect sense of fashion, I would still dress discreetly. 

You can also show loyalty to your spouse by the way you speak about each other when you are apart.  Stand up for one another if anyone insults your honey, and never speak ill of your spouse behind his/her back.  Sure, there will be times when you are frustrated during the course of your marriage, and you may feel the need to vent to someone and get a little sympathy.  However, there is never any excuse for bad-mouthing your mate and making him/her look stupid, lazy, mean, incompetent, etc.  Even insulting his/her cooking or the way he/she keeps house betrays your mate.  If you really need someone to talk to, talk to God.  

Chances are, whatever you feel like complaining about will be resolved in a short amount of time, and you will feel guilty for having said cruel things about the one you love above anyone or anything else.  Moreover, it creates hard feelings towards your mate with those to whom you have gossiped.  Long after you are over the issue, they are still seeing your spouse in a negative light.  The Bible says we are to respect our spouse, and this absolutely means whether we are together or apart. 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Love:  This week is wide open!  What can you do to show how much you love your mate?  Cook a nice dinner, have a night out on the town, or just simply show kindness and respect.  Whatever it is, use your imagination and make certain your mate never forgets how much in love you are!

Art Project Option: This is where saving boxes used for shipping or the cardboard inserts in pizza boxes comes in handy!  Make a train out of cardboard or any other material (I made mine 2D, but you could make one 3D) with an engine that has a unique title.  For example, my train for Mel was The Ludeke Express and the engine number was 0610 (our anniversary).  Make as many cars as you would like and decorate each car with a unique theme that celebrates your love.  You can see the train I made when I post the example in a few days. When the train is finished, punch holes (holes can be tricky in cardboard, but if it is thin enough it can be done) and tie the cars together with yarn, thread, ribbon, or even rubber bands.  My hubby loves trains, and he loved this so much he hung it on the bedroom wall for several years.

This can be reimagined in many ways.  You can use any type of paper instead of cardboard.  You can print pictures of trains and the items that go in the boxcars from the internet rather than drawing.  You could even buy a toy train and fill the cars with miniatures to represent your unique love.

 I chose the train theme because Mel collects trains, but you could use any symbol you like that is unique to your marriage such as cars, wagons, or just plain boxes.

Loyalty:  Is there any area you can recognize where you are placing your own vanity over the love of your spouse?  Now is the time to come clean!  Combine social media pages or at least include each other in your personal profile pictures.  As I suggested in week 10, go through your wardrobe and get rid of your provocative clothing.  And of course, make 100% certain there is no way you would ever cheat on your partner, and do whatever you need to assure your heart will always be loyal.