Week 47 Art Project

 

This week's art project was: This project requires spending money, but the cheapest suggestion costs roughly $2.  Buy a little basket, use one you already own (or a shoebox), or make one out of cardboard.  Decorate the outside with scrapbook or wrapping paper preferably with a bee or honeycomb design, but any will do (or you can draw bees/flowers on plain paper). Fill it with lip balm made with honey or beeswax (or any other pampering item made from honey), a bottle of honey, and/or candy made from honey.  You could include a variety of other items such as honeysuckle-scented items (think candles or body spray), honeycomb cereal, or use your imagination; the ideas are limitless.  You could even make or buy a dessert with honey as an ingredient.  (Inexpensive option: just buy one item.)   After your basket is complete, copy (handwrite or computer print) one or both of the below scripture verses onto a piece of plain or printed paper, glue it onto a decorated popsicle stick or straw attached to a piece of cardboard and insert it in the basket so that it is the centerpiece.  Make a promise to your honey that you will do your very best let sweetness drip from your lips, and not contention.

You can view the video on the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61554421138800   

Week 47: seX & Xanthippe

 Fun Activity This Week: Explore a state or city park near you.  I worked for a state park in Idaho in 2018and really loved it.  Therefore, I highly recommend utilizing your state park, even if just for day use. Although we are at the end of November, some state parks may still be open for hiking or just sitting at a table.  If this is not an option, then explore a city park, even if you’ve been there before.  I realize this is the wrong time of year for camping or a picnic/BBQ, so you can also always save this activity for later.   

Week 47: seX & Xanthippe

seX:  A healthy sex life makes marriage so much sweeter.  Sex within marriage is a wonderful blessing so enjoy your God-given mate.  It should be both the icing and the cherry on top of an already blessed life. Although I would not write about sexual issues under any other context, speaking about sex within marriage is not lewd as long as you are not speaking about it to another person other than for marital advice such as this blog or to a trusted friend of the same gender, counselor, or pastor. 

God designed us for pleasure and a healthy sex life is within His perfect will.  Enjoying each other physically enhances your marriage and makes your bond grow stronger.  Talk about what things you enjoy and what makes you uncomfortable.  Discuss fantasies and be open to new ideas.   There are many ways to have fun with your sex life, but there are some ways you can cross over into ungodly perversion.  Never force something on your partner with which he/she feels uncomfortable.  I will just put it out there: I believe S & M is wrong, as it does not reflect a healthy sex life, and violence does NOT and will NOT ever equal love.  I also do not believe a couple should ever watch pornography alone or together as this would be displeasing to the Lord.  You should never fantasize about another person (Matthew 5:28)   In addition, never ever introduce a third (or more) person into your sex life.  

Many negative issues in one’s past can adversely affect your intimate time with your spouse.  If you have difficulty having sex because of past hurts, please seek counseling.  As I was a very naïve virgin when I married, I am certainly not an expert in the area of dysfunctional conditions that can ruin your love life.  What I can best recommend is seeking help from a medical or psychological doctor.  Marriage is not only about sex, but many marriages end in divorce because of problems in the bedroom.  Please ask for help rather than lose your marriage.  

There is more I could say about a healthy sex life within marriage, but I will just add that sex between you and your mate should be private (I even feel uncomfortable writing about it, but when writing a blog on marriage, it should be addressed).  With that said, if you would like a few general ideas on how to put a spark into your sex life, please refer back to week 7.

Xanthippe:  Xanthippe was the wife of Socrates, and her name became synonymous with being a “shrewish or scolding woman.”  Truthfully, I know no further details than what I looked up in the dictionary when seeking out one more x-word.  I could always research more about her, which I would not mind since I love history, but for the sake of this blog it is not necessary.  What I currently know is enough information to be a useful word this week.

I realize that the term nag typically refers to women, yet there are plenty of men that treat their wives in a disrespectful manner.  When you simply ask your spouse for a favor, that alone does not make you unpleasant.  Yet when you repeatedly ask, and your tone becomes more and more angry and rude, the bad behaviors begin.  If your mate is slow in putting out the garbage or forgot to pick up milk (or picked out what you consider to be the wrong kind) or has “failed” at performing some other task, that does not give you the right to berate your loved one.  You are married adults; do not treat each other like children.  You can simply put the trash out yourself or calmly explain to your honey that it would really be helpful if he/she would remember to put the trash out next time he/she goes out the door.  Usually, your mate is not being lazy but may have a lot on their mind and there is nothing wrong with being a bit absent-minded now and again.  Talk things through like rational adults and explain why when certain tasks are not completed, it puts an extra burden on you.  A simple tip here is that it is best to make the decision as a team as to the distribution of household duties (including yard work) as soon as you get married so that there is no confusion as to whom is responsible for what.  If the assignments are not working out, sit down and negotiate the tasks.

Besides being a Xanthippe when it comes to nagging over chores, I see both men and women who love to criticize just for the sake of being bossy.  Correcting grammar, complaining about where he parked, making fun of clothing choices, and the degrading behavior goes on.  I realize that some people are born bossy and sometimes being a leader can be a good quality to have.  However, anyone can learn to control aggressive tendencies and strive to treat each other with kindness and respect.  Past the age of five, not being able to control your tact is unacceptable.  Learn to think before you speak and ask yourself if you would like it if someone talked to you that way!

In 2016, I briefly worked for at a "Christian" campground/retreat center.  I worked in an office with three desks and a folding table (my desk was the table). There were no cubicles, and the desks were all crammed together in a space that had once been a storage closet!  There was anywhere from two to seven of us in that one tiny office throughout the day.  There were two sets of married couples that shared that office.  I’m happy to say that the managers displayed a wonderful example of marriage.  Yet the other couple that was married was the opposite.  They argued all the time, would go all day without speaking to one another, and created an uncomfortable and tense air in a very small space. 

Pastors from several different states often frequented the business in the summer months as volunteers.  One such pastor looked at this couple with shock as they argued all throughout lunch.  After a brief lull in their drama, the pastor calmly asked, “Do you two need counseling?”  They did not reply, but I believe all of us at the table could answer for them with a resounding, “Yes!”  The wife never ceased to nag at her husband as if he was her child.  She would tell him not to sit a certain way, not to speak about certain topics, insult his hairstyle, and even scolded him for not having a long enough conversation with his stepdaughter.  He did not tolerate being treated in such a way, but instead of talking things through, he would snap back and created endless cycles of bickering.  It was such an unpleasant environment that I resigned after less than three months.  I often wonder if that couple ever sought counseling to heal their dysfunctional marriage.   

I never expect you to only take my advice, but to apply the principles of The Bible to your conduct.  If you find yourself with a less than cordial tone this week, consider the scriptures that speak against being a cruel spouse (they apply to both men and women):

A gracious woman retains honor, but ruthless men retain riches. The merciful man does good for his own soul, But he who is cruel troubles his own flesh.  Proverbs 11:16-17

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4

It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.  Proverbs 25:24

For three things the earth is perturbed, Yes, for four it cannot bear up… A hateful woman when she is married. Proverbs 30:21 & 23

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

seX:  What better advice can I give this week than: enjoy your spouse in every single way God intended.  No excuses.  Find the time even if you have to schedule each other in.  There is nothing wrong with a quick session, but this week, make the time for the minimum of half an hour of pleasure (which could include a bath or shower together, and/or a massage).  Don’t rush.  Take your time, snuggle, bond, and enjoy all that married life has to offer! 

Xanthippe:  Do not be a Xanthippe!  Check your tone and your attitude.  One always knows when they are being rude, but if you are truly in doubt, ask your mate if you need to improve in the way you speak to him/her.  I have been guilty of a sarcastic tongue on more than one occasion.  However, since becoming a wife, I have tried to approve my attitude and whenever I catch even a slight acerbic tone, I quickly reverse my tone and treat my hubby the way he deserves to be treated.

Art project Option:  This project requires spending money, but the cheapest suggestion costs roughly $2.  Buy a little basket, use one you already own (or a shoebox), or make one out of cardboard.  Decorate the outside with scrapbook or wrapping paper preferably with a bee or honeycomb design, but any will do (or you can draw bees/flowers on plain paper). Fill it with lip balm made with honey or beeswax (or any other pampering item made from honey), a bottle of honey, and/or candy made from honey.  You could include a variety of other items such as honeysuckle-scented items (think candles or body spray), honeycomb cereal, or use your imagination; the ideas are limitless.  You could even make or buy a dessert with honey as an ingredient.  (Inexpensive option: just buy one item.)   After your basket is complete, copy (handwrite or computer print) one or both of the below scripture verses onto a piece of plain or printed paper, glue it onto a decorated popsicle stick or straw attached to a piece of cardboard and insert it in the basket so that it is the centerpiece.  Make a promise to your honey that you will do your very best let sweetness drip from your lips, and not contention.

Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones. Proverbs 16:24

Your lips, O my spouse, Drip as the honeycomb; Honey and milk are under your tongue.  Song of Solomon 4:11

Week 46 Short Video

 

Week 46 Art Project

 You can view the video on the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61554421138800   where you can see the inspiration for one of the drawings.  

This week's art project was: Choose a favorite verse or two from the Song of Solomon.  Write or print it out, mount it on patterned paper, and frame it (to be displayed in a private area such as your bedroom).  This book is full of descriptions you could choose to illustrate (or print pictures from the internet – I am NOT suggesting pornographic pictures from the Internet) such a pictures of gardens, gazelles, gates, etc.  Another option: If you sew, you could embroider or cross-stitch the verses.  

Week 46: Wonder & Worship

Fun Activity This Week:  Spend time worshipping God together in prayer and/or singing praises to the Lord.  If this is something you regularly do, consider adding a little more time to your routine this week. This is particularly helpful if you are struggling in any areas of your life or marriage as true worship lifts the spirit of heaviness.

Week 46: Wonder & Worship

Wonder: Do you still find the wonder and excitement you had when falling in love?  

When I was single, I remember listening to my married friends talk about their mates.  I often found myself pondering if the novelty of saying, “my husband,” or “my wife,” ever wore off.  Did they take the phrase for granted and not even think twice about what they were saying?  More than twelve years into married life and still each time I say, “my husband,” hear Mel refer to me as, “his wife,” or whenever anyone refers to me as, “Mrs. Ludeke,” I still feel a thrill of excitement in the words.  For me, the wonder of being a wife never will wear off.

If you feel marriage is no big deal and just a normal part of day-to-day life, I challenge you to find again the wonder you felt when you were dating.  The key is to never stop flirting, communicating, or dating!  

Mel and I no longer live where we met and fell in love, so I can longer follow my own advice, but if you can, try to recreate memories from when you were dating.  If you cannot return to the same places, you may be able to find a similar restaurant you went to when you were first getting to know your honey.  Mel and I went to a historical museum and a zoo during the first week we met, so it is easy to find these venues in other cities.  If you cannot afford to go out to eat or to another event (or even if you can) get out old photographs of your early years together and remind each other how you felt then.  Recall all you can about your courtship period including phrases spoken, feelings that swam through your mind, even the clothes you wore and food you ate. 

If taking a trip down memory lane does not bring back that sense of wonder of being in love, you may need to take a more drastic step such as going out of town (or send the kids away if you cannot afford to leave) and focus just on each other for a minimum of one evening.  In fact, any time you feel the sense of wonder waning in your marriage, take time out, look into each other’s eyes, and remind one another with words and with actions why you fell in love!  

Worship:  Take time as individuals and as a couple to worship God for all He has done.  Sing and pray unto the Lord for all His generous blessings.

So many of us stop and pray and ask God for all we need, but how many of us stop and just spend time thanking God for all he already gave?  I am guilty of focusing on all I lack rather than taking the time to focus on what I have.  It is perfectly okay to ask God for help as the Bible has many verses telling us to ask for what we need.  However, make sure you do more than just ask for help.  For every minute you spend asking for something (or for every item for which you ask for assistance), praise God for what He has already given you.  Praise Him first for choosing you as His child and His death on the cross, and then go from there.  

It d0es not matter when we have less than a dollar in our bank account or when we were facing other frightening/sad/frustrating issues, I am very thankful that God brought Mel and I together and has chosen us for a very specific ministry.  There is so much around us for which we can praise God; once you get started, you may find you are spending more time thanking God and less time asking Him for something.

If you have felt like I have, that you are not sure how to worship, or what to say, or maybe you are feeling so discouraged you are finding difficulty coming up with the right words, one simple way is to read the book of Psalms aloud. Or simply repeat the word, "Hallelujah."  

God loves the praises of his people, so no matter what quality of voice you have, sing often.  Go ahead, sing on the top of your lungs before your Creator, and feel the weight of the world slip away.  Praising alone is very acceptable, but when you worship as a couple, it will absolutely make your marriage better; I guarantee it!

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul! While I live I will praise the Lord; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being. Psalm 146:1-2

When we truly have hearts full of repentance, God will honor our humble hearts.  Spend time in worship and prayer and seek His face with hearts wide open to hear all He has to say.  When we pray, “Mold me, Lord, to be the vessel you want me to be,” and mean it with every ounce of our being, we open the doors wide open for God’s blessings and mercies.  

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

Wonder:  Some people say the Song of Solomon is an allegory of Christ and His bride, but if you actually read the entire book, you will easily see the error of this assessment.  For one thing, it would be very inappropriate for our Lord to talk to us in this way.  When you read this book as intended, you can feel the wonder between the two lovers.  You do not have to read the entire book in one night (although it is not very long), but throughout the course of this week read as much of it to each other as you can.  If you have never done so, you will find it is very romantic and very well may spark a sense of sensuality in you and your mate as well.  

Art Project Option: Choose a favorite verse or two from the Song of Solomon.  Write or print it out, mount it on patterned paper, and frame it (to be displayed in a private area such as your bedroom).  This book is full of descriptions you could choose to illustrate (or print pictures from the internet – I am NOT suggesting pornographic pictures from the Internet) such a pictures of gardens, gazelles, gates, etc.  Another option: If you sew, you could embroider or cross-stitch the verses.  

The below verse is a fun one to frame and illustrate P.S. I am not suggesting you draw nudity unless you and your spouse would be comfortable with it.  When it is just for you and your spouse to view, I do not have a problem illustrating a married couple in a private manner (as long as it only represents the two of you).

I sleep, but my heart is awake; it is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, "Open for me my love, my dove, my perfect one; For my head is covered with dew, My locks with the drops of the night." I have taken off my robe; how can I put it on again…  My beloved put his hand by the latch of the door, and my heart yearned for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the lock... I am lovesick!  Song of Solomon 5:2-8

Worship:  Sing together as much as possible this week.  Sincerely worship the Lord together.  If either one of you writes poems or music (or even if you have never done so before) consider writing you own psalm (with or without music) to the Lord that specially deals with all He has done for the both of you!

Week 45 Short Video

 

Week 45 Art Project

This week's art project was: "Create an armor based on the... weapons of spiritual warfare.  There are a variety of ways you can do this:  Draw pictures of yourselves dressed in armor or use photographs and Photoshop armor onto the both of you.  You could draw just the armor itself or print the pictures off the Internet.  Whichever you choose, be certain to label each piece of armor such as 'Helmet of Salvation,' 'Breastplate of Righteousness,' etc. and include the scripture reference of Ephesians 6:11-18 or include all the words from those scriptures.  Frame it if you so choose, but at least display it where you can both be reminded that God is on your side.  You can also do a spiritual check each time you look at the picture and ask yourself if you are lacking any weapons of warfare. If so, pray for God to help you put them on." Here are two of my interpretations of the Armor of God.

Week 45: Weapons of Warfare & Wise

 

 Fun Activity This Week: Write love letters to one another listing all the wonderful qualities you adore.  Read them aloud and do not rush through the romantic moments.

Week 45: Weapons of Warfare & Wise

Weapons of Warfare:  Spiritual warfare is very real, and Satan would love to see all marriages fail.  Stay equipped in the whole armor of God, and you can defeat your enemy against every attack!

I could write an entire book on this subject, but instead I will do my best to keep this brief.  I have quickly summed up how the weapons of spiritual warfare can be applied to your marriage.

Belt of Truth: While being truthful is imperative, this is more about being armed with the Truths of God’s Word.  The lies of the world and false preachers will harm your marriage. When Jesus was tempted by Satan in the wilderness (Luke 4:1-13), He was able to defeat His enemy and send him fleeing by quoting the Truth of scripture.  When we keep this belt securely in place, we can also send the devil running.

Breastplate of Righteousness:  When both husband and wife strive to live lives of righteousness (see 1 Corinthians 9:24-27), they are guaranteed a joyful marriage even when circumstances are difficult.  The breastplate protects one’s heart and when you choose not to live according to the ways of the world, you protect the heart of your mate as well.  When you give into sin, you give into Satan, but walking on the straight and narrow path of holy living keeps Jesus on your side.   

To grant us that we, being delivered from the hand of our enemies, might serve Him without fear, in holiness and righteousness before Him all the days of our life.  Luke 1:74-75

Shoes of Peace: Hebrews 12:14 perfectly sums up the way we should treat our mate, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord.”  When we choose to actively chase after a peaceful life and existence, it is as important as striving for holiness.  You will not see God nor share His eternal home if you choose to be argumentative, discordant, and bitter.  Verse 15 adds, “looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.”  Keep these shoes on all times and you will give no room for the Devil to interfere with your marriage.

Shield of Faith:  Faith in God when life and/or marriage seems hopeless will help you keep a positive attitude even in the dark times.  When you read the below passage in Ephesians 6, you will see verse 16 tells us that the shield is the most important and will literally keep Satan’s arrows from hitting His target: our marriages.  

Hebrews 11:1 is sometimes difficult for me to put into practice.  It states, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”  I am overly logical.  How can I trust what I cannot see?  Lack of faith is doubtless the area I struggle most with in my walk with the Lord.  But when I use my shield of faith, even when it is small, I can quiet the over-analytical side of my brain and focus on the promises of God.  I can quench the darts of doubt Satan hurls at me and embrace the joys of my marriage that much more. 

Helmet of Salvation:  It is so difficult to write such a brief section on the Armor of God, but this one is particularly difficult for me to sum up in so short a space.  Our salvation may begin when we say the “sinner’s prayer,” but it does not end there. Unless we follow the principles of Jesus, we could lose that salvation. We must guard our walk with the Lord until the day we die.  Philippians 2:12 tells us we must, “work out [our] own salvation with fear and trembling,” which means our salvation is a continual work in progress.   This is a long subject, but for further reading, you can read (at the least) Revelation chapters 2 & 3 for more clarity.

What it comes down to is the same concept as the Breastplate of Righteousness; we must daily choose to wear this helmet of right living in order to keep our marriages safely out of the enemy’s claws.

Sword of the Spirit:  This Sword is the Word of God, and just as with the Belt, we can wield it at Satan’s ugly head by quoting scripture and being confident of its Truths.  Psalm 119:11 reminds us that when we keep God’s “Word… hidden in [our] heart,” it will inspire and encourage us “not [to] sin against” God.  The principles of the Bible will protect our marriage as well as any sword ever protected any brave knight!

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit.  Ephesians 6:11-18

Wise:  We are to be "wise as serpents and harmless as doves" (Matthew 10:16).  It is wisdom to protect our marriages in such a manner.  This means we are to treat everyone with kindness and gentleness but be careful whom we allow into our lives.  Mel and I both try to be kind to everyone wherever we go, but that does not mean we are going to let just anyone into a close relationship.  It is very possible to show the love of God to people and have a good relationship with them without visiting each other's homes or being friends with them outside of church or work.

As I mentioned above, spiritual warfare is real, and the enemy will try to send people into your lives to try to interfere with and possibly even destroy your marriage.  Pray for wisdom and discernment whenever considering making new friends that you plan to socialize with on a regular basis.  Ask God to block people from your lives that could be harmful, and you will find things being revealed in their character that you may have never expected was there.  It is okay to see less of people and even completely weed people out of your lives if you feel they are a threat in any way.  And listen to your spouse's warnings to you if he/she feels a certain person needs to be released from your lives.  

I hope this concept does not sound too harsh, but it is a Biblical principle.  Using wisdom with people you allow to get close to you could even save your marriage.  If you feel a check in your spirit and someone makes you feel uncomfortable, trust your instincts as this very well may be a warning from God.  Be friendly, but do not allow these people to get too involved in your lives.  In other words, you do not have to reveal very much personal information.  You do not have to socialize with people you feel have immoral lifestyles.  You can witness to them as they allow, but do not spend a lot of time with those you feel may try to corrupt your morals, or who will expect you to accept their immoral behaviors but continually make fun of yours.  It is far better to keep the peace from a distance (over the phone or Internet) than continually cause friction and hard feelings up close (in person).

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will dwell in them And walk among them. I will be their God, And they shall be My people. Therefore Come out from among them And be separate,” says the Lord. “Do not touch what is unclean, And I will receive you."  II Corinthians 6:14-17

It is wisdom to realize that there are some people which you may need to let go.  When we allow people with poisonous personality traits or ungodly beliefs in our lives, we are asking for trouble.  These people already have open doors they have allowed Satan to walk through, and he very well may connect us to them and begin to harass us.  This is not my concept, read the above verses as well as, “Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul.”  Proverbs 22:24-25 & “Do not be deceived: Evil company corrupts good habits.  Awake to righteousness, and do not sin.”  1 Corinthians 15:33-34  

You may meet a seemingly nice person who just happens to be into Wicca.  Make no mistake, there is nothing innocent or nice about witchcraft; just being around this person can invite the demons attached to her to follow you home and oppress you and therefore cause chaos in your marriage.  “For Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light.” 2 Corinthians 11:14  We are to treat everyone with kindness and respect, but when we willingly let a person involved in Satanism in our lives, we are mixing dark and light when they are clearly meant to be separated.  

Use the utmost wisdom when choosing friends if not for your own sake, then for the sake of your marriage!

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

Weapons of Warfare:  Art Project Idea:  Create an armor based on the above listed weapons of spiritual warfare.  There are a variety of ways you can do this:  Draw pictures of yourselves dressed in armor or use photographs and Photoshop armor onto the both of you.  You could draw just the armor itself or print the pictures off the Internet.  Whichever you choose, be certain to label each piece of armor such as “Helmet of Salvation,” “Breastplate of Righteousness,” etc. and include the scripture reference of Ephesians 6:11-18 or include all the words from those scriptures.  Frame it if you so choose, but at least display it where you can both be reminded that God is on your side.  You can also do a spiritual check each time you look at the picture and ask yourself if you are lacking any weapons of warfare. If so, pray for God to help you put them on.  

Note: You can be creative with the armor.  In my Bible journal, I drew the weapons in western style.  For the helmet I used a cowboy hat, the breastplate was a vest, the shoes of peace cowboy boots, the sword of the spirit a gun, shield of faith a sheriff’s badge, and the belt a western belt with buckle.  In other words, you can use any type of "armor" you so choose as long as it fits the scripture reference.  

Wise:  Check in with each other this week and ask for honest opinions on all the people you allow access to your lives.  Allow the other to be honest in voicing any concerns.  Respect each other’s wisdom and spiritual instincts.  Consider limiting access to those that cause red flags.  Use wisdom in lowering the portcullis and keep the harmful people separated from you and your loved one.