Week 27: Negative Generational Chains & Negative Self-Image

Fun Activity This Week:  Nickle-and-Dime it this week.  Only buy what is necessary and put what you save in a can (or in a savings account) for a special occasion or donate to charity.

Week 27: Negative Generational Chains & Negative Self-Image

Negative Generational Chains:  By now, you should know I do not beat around the bush.  I write on tough topics because, one, I write what God lays on my heart, no matter how difficult the subject, and two, I hope to challenge people to examine their marriages and fix what needs to be fixed.  This week's topic is no exception.  Every time I pray whether or not to include this issue, I feel I should.  God wants us all to learn to break the negative generational chains holding us back. This is not about playing the blame game, holding grudges, or being judgmental of other people's flaws, it is only about learning to identity your own negative traits that may stem from your past, and learning to heal from them.

Before we are even old enough to consider getting married, we think we know what marriage is supposed to look like based on the way we see our parents treating one another.  For some, they see a wonderful and loving example of parents who are united as one and treat each other with true love and respect.  They see how serving God in marriage as a partnership can work.  However, good marital examples are a rarity and using your parents as an example of how to treat your spouse is not necessarily a good thing.  In some cases, it can sour those against ever wanting to get married, and/or it can create many generations of abusive spouses.  However, I am here to tell you that you are not either one of your parents (or stepparents). You can break the generational chains of disrespect, infidelity, drunkenness, abandonment, abuse, and so on.

If you saw your mother rolling her eyes at your father when he asked her not to wear short skirts and low-cut tops, chances are you will do the same.  If you saw your father disappear for hours on end to go drinking at the bar, you are probably following his lead.   Yet you do not have to follow your parents' bad examples.  I have seen many models of bad marriages, and I was determined never to act that way toward my husband.  I try very hard to be a Biblical wife, treat my husband with the utmost respect, and allow him to be the leader of our home.  I will never be a perfect wife and I always have more to learn, but my stubborn streak pays off when it comes to being determined to be a good wife.

And the Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth,  keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the sin of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation.” So Moses made haste and bowed his head toward the earth, and worshiped.  Exodus 34: 6-8

These are tricky verses.  I had to re-read it several times and asked Mel to give me his thoughts.  One family can carry on a very negative tradition of sins such as alcoholism, drug abuse, molestation, pornography addiction, etc.  But if even one person in that family (such as yourself) repents and changes his ways, he will instantly be forgiven and will not have to carry the weight of the sins of countless generations before him. 

I knew a woman who was afraid to get married for many years because her mother could not stay faithful to her father.  She was terrified that she would carry this same generational chain and that she would not be capable of fidelity.  She decided she would rather stay single than get married and wound a man as deeply as she saw her father injured.  She told me it was not until she fell in love on such a deep level, that she finally knew beyond the shadow of any doubt, that she would never cheat on him.  It is that kind of intense love that drives her to purity.  She is 100% committed to her husband and will always be so.  She still prays that God will always keep her marriage pure because she cannot succeed on her own.  With God's help combined with her own sincere love, she knows she has broken the negative generational chains of infidelity. 

There are many examples I could point out where children are afraid of being like their parents.  And worse yet, are just like them.  However, do not ever use the excuse that you are an abuser just because your mother or father was.  My father's mother was very abusive, and his father abandoned the family when my dad was seven years old.  Yet my father grew up to be a loving dad.  He broke the negative generational chains of abuse and abandonment.

No matter what negative generational sins you are facing, with God's help, you can break those chains.  You cannot just sit around and whine about feeling trapped and guilty; you must take the steps to seek help.  You absolutely can overcome it!   

Now it happened, as soon as the kingdom was established in his hand, that he executed his servants who had murdered his father the king.  But the children of the murderers he did not execute, according to what is written in the Book of the Law of Moses, in which the Lord commanded, saying, “Fathers shall not be put to death for their children, nor shall children be put to death for their fathers; but a person shall be put to death for his own sin."  II Kings 14:5-7

Although some people do have violent sins in their family’s past, I am not writing about murder, but these verses show that we are not to bare the guilt of our parents' sins.  If your father molested a child, for example, you are not to be punished for his crime.  Even if such thoughts disgust you and you have no inclination ever to harm a child, you could still be suffering guilt for what your parent did.  Let those that are sinners bare their own guilt and punishment; that is not your job.   

There are no excuses for sin, so stop using your heritage or DNA as a crutch.  Break the chains of negative generational sins.  It is never too late and with God’s help, you can be the model husband or wife God intended! 

Negative Self-Image:  Mel and I pretty much live in blissful happiness. The sun is always shining, the birds are always singing, and we are crazy in love. Yes, life is truly wonderful, but neither one of us claims perfection. In fact, we admittedly have the same flaw: we both have a negative self-image. These insecurities have been the source for 80% of our tiffs. I am not saying we have very many fights, because we only have a few here and there.  I am saying that the few times we do, this is the basis for it. Mostly because one of us has misunderstood what the other was saying or misinterpreted an action. Rather than communicating right away, we let our insecurity create an imaginary offense and felt hurt. Luckily, we know each other very well, and can quickly tell when the other is upset. Even when one of us says we are okay when we are not, we ultimately talk about what caused hurt feelings. Even when we are angry and want to retreat, we always eventually talk things through.

I am not going to write about the specifics of our disagreements because they are private, but I will say that one of my insecurities (and believe me, I have several), has to do with my looks. My husband is so complementary and gazes at me with such love in his eyes, and yet, whenever there is a beautiful woman in view, I feel like the dog-faced girl. All the insecurities I have about my body, my thin hair, and crooked teeth all weigh me down like a wet wool sweater. I cannot see the truth staring me down in Mel’s beautiful blue and green eyes that he adores me and only me. I fully trust that he will always be faithful, and that is not the issue, but just feeling ugly in the presence of the man I am so crazy about makes me shrink away and put up walls. Of course, as soon as we talk things through, I am back to normal.

All the wasted energy spent on feeling upset about an imaginary issue would be easily solved if I could let go of my own vanity and fully embrace Mel’s acceptance of me. He tells me all day long how beautiful he thinks I am and how much he loves me. I know it is still sometimes hard to believe that someone as amazing as Mel would truly love me, but he does. I know he does. I would not have married him if I did not believe it. I just need to let the truths of Mel’s love envelop me like a big, fluffy bathrobe.

Bottom line on this issue is for all of us to learn to let go of whatever insecurities may be keeping us from fully accepting our spouse’s love and not to place our doubts on our honey’s shoulders. It is not fair to make someone else responsible for something he/she had nothing to do with. It will also reduce the amount of tension we may create with each other.

I know in my case that the next time I feel hurt by something my husband says or does, I am going to ask myself, “Does this truly reflect the way Mel sees me? Would he really think such a thing I am assuming he is thinking? Am I putting unsaid words in his mouth? Or is my insecurity causing me to hear what had never been said?  Do I trust in his love?” I know the answer to the last question will always be yes, and that will open up more time for snuggles and less time for struggles!

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

Negative Generational Chains:  Art Project Option: Make an actual chain.  No, I do not expect you to become welders, but make it out of paper.  I would recommend any color of plain paper this time, but even patterned paper will do.  Cut out strips of paper and write on the separate strips all you would consider to be negative generational chains.  Include even things you may think of as a minor such as swearing, critical attitude, disrespecting spouse, etc., as well as the major issues such as infidelity, abuse, pornography, theft, alcoholism, etc. Now tape or glue the strips into loops and link them together to form a chain.  I am sure you did this as a child!  I really hope you both choose to do this project because I would like for you to pray over this list with your mate and pray that God will help you both find the victory over these generational chains.  Then tear the chain apart.  Rip each link into shreds (or you could even safely burn them) as a sign that your negative generational chains are gone for good!    

On an additional note: this is also a good time for healing and focusing on forgiving any wrongs your parent(s) or other relatives caused you intentionally or unintentionally. Do not wait for anyone to ask to be forgiven, you are not responsible for the condition of hearts, but your own. Forgive just as Jesus forgives you!

Negative Self-Image:  Make an effort this week to learn to accept every compliment given to you by your sweetie.  If your hubby tells you that you look great without makeup, do not roll your eyes and tell him he’s blind.  If your wife tells you that you are sexy, do not pat your belly and tell her you need to lose weight.  Instead, learn to say, “Thank you, honey!”  Train your brain to trust the one you married truly believes you are beautiful/handsome!