Week 13 Art Project

 

This week's art project was to create anything you chose using the scripture verse Numbers 6:24-26, "The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace."  If you would like to see the video on this art project you can see it on the Facebook page as it will not load onto Blogger. https://www.facebook.com/people/The-ABCs-of-a-Joyful-Marriage/ (Or you can use the link on the right side of this web site).

Week 13: Generous & Gracious

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Play any kind of indoor and/or outdoor game.  If you both have a different favorite, then play both.  Computer games are fine too as long as you play together!  And whether you win or lose, remember to be sportsmanlike!

 

Week 13: Generous & Gracious

 

Generous:  Be generous not only with your time, but with yourself as well.  Give your spouse the first pickings, not the leftovers.  In addition, as a couple, it is good to be generous and giving to others in need. 

My husband and I are firm believers in being generous.  Even when we are financially struggling, we can still find a way to help with our time or other resources. Yet, when it comes to being generous, it is very true that "Charity Begins at Home," or for the sake of this blog, "Generosity Begins at Home."  In other words, as I stated two weeks ago, take care of each other first and make everyone and everything else second.

Being generous is more than just giving money or material items, especially when it comes to marriage.  Generosity involves giving of yourself.  This includes, but is not limited to time, listening, and romance.

  

Love suffers long and is kind... does not seek its own.  1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Being generous with your spouse is, very simply put, an act of kindness.  When you place working extra hours, driving the kids to a thousand different places, making sure the house is in perfect order, or spending time with friends over spending time with your mate, you are sending a very clear message that he/she is not that important to you.  You are making your marriage a bottom priority and that is treading on dangerous ground.

 

The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered himself. Proverbs 11:25

 

Being generous goes beyond giving of time, it also means being generous with your ears.  My husband has always been a good listener.  He even asks questions when he does not understand something, and he can quote facts back to me months and years later.  When your wife wants to tell you a long story about how she obtained and cared for a sick cat, do your very best to listen.  She is telling you these things because she loves you, trusts you, sees you as her best friend, and wants you to know every little detail about her life.  This also means she feels the same about you.  She wants to know about every job you have ever held and what you did there, about your childhood, about the sports you like, your favorite things to eat, etc. but probably only minimal information about past relationships (just being honest).  

It is a myth that men do not care about what their wives have to say or that women only want to talk about girly things.  Most people are not so shallow and when you truly love someone, you find everything they want to share with you fascinating and only want to know more.  If your spouse is not willing to spend at least an hour a day (at the very, very least) chatting with you, you need to fix that ASAP.  A big part of marriage is simply spending time together talking and creating that sense of security and bonding on an emotional level.  Marriages that do not have as such tend to end in affairs because one or the other will crave someone to listen to them and make them feel special and validated.  If this is unfamiliar territory, start small, and with easy topics.  You can even buy cards that give you topics to discuss with your spouse (or read the  list of questions I have posted on this blog called "Conversations of Love").  Be generous with your ears now and you may very likely prevent a disastrous future.

And of course, everyone has heard the term "generous lover.”  More than twelve years into our marriage and our sex life has only slightly diminished, so this has never been an issue with us, but for a lot of couples one wants sex more often than the other does.  There is such a thing as compromise.  Set a specified number of days a week aside for romance and do not break your appointments.  If this is an area in your marriage in need of help, do not be afraid to seek outside assistance.  Be respectful of one another and not demanding of your wants but remember to be generous with your body.  If you are not, and there certainly is NEVER a good excuse for an affair, he/she just may find someone else who will give him/her the time of day if you will not.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

Gracious:  Just as I mentioned under the letter "A" that apologizing is essential to a healthy marriage, equally important is being gracious enough to accept an apology from your mate.  2 Corinthians 13:5 reminds that love “keeps no record of wrongs” (NIV).  

Being gracious with your spouse can include things such as how you handle an argument.  Proverbs 19:11 says, “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression” (see also Proverbs 15:18 & 16:32).  Take time to cool down and think rationally before you respond.  Be quick to forgive just as you would wish him/her to forgive you.  

Being gracious also includes the way you treat your spouse.  Do not find fault in every little thing he/she does.  Do not be petty.  Learn to let the small things go.  In the grand scheme of things, focus on what really matters.  Squeezing the toothpaste tube in what you consider the wrong place is not a big deal when you hone in on the fact that your honey loves you.  

As I have mentioned before, Mel and I rarely argue.  In the almost thirteen years we have been married we have had maybe half a dozen major fights.  I have read that most couples horribly fight during their first one to two years as they learn to adjust to married life together.  If they do not take this trial period as a learning experience, they may never to learn to compromise or forgive; this may become dangerous pattern that may never change as long as they are married. Of course, I am not saying Mel and I are perfect, but our relationship has been special and unique since day one.  Our shouting arguments have been very few and the majority of our disagreements are minor.  If a major fight, we step away and cool down. The time it takes for apologies is usually within an hour or two, no matter how angry we had been, and then a gracious acceptance of forgiveness on both sides. 

With that said, I do not write this  on a self-righteous or judgmental level.  Therefore, I  humbly write this particular week based on mistakes I have made and will try never to repeat.  Here are some tips on how to practice a gracious attitude when involved in a fight with your spouse.

The worst thing you can do is to threaten divorce and/or remove your wedding ring.  This is such a devastating and hurtful thing to do to your spouse.  You know in your heart of hearts that you do not want to truly be separated from the love of your life.  Do not attempt to make a devasting permanent choice due to a temporary argument.

 

“For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the Lord of hosts.  Malachi 2:16

 

This is another thing I think is an important issue to bring up when in the heat of battle: admit to what you are really feeling.  I know it is not easy to make yourself vulnerable and admit when you are afraid, but let's face it, in the long run, admitting to fear instead of lashing out in anger will save a lot of hard feelings later on.  

And this, of course, leads to always being honest.  This may be scary sometimes, but if you cannot be honest with your spouse about everything, you are going to have a rocky marriage.  Make up your mind from day one always to be honest even if you think the truth will hurt.  Trust me, lies hurt so much worse.

 

Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.  Psalm 34:13

 

Always apologize.  Kiss and make up and ask for forgiveness.  Be sincere in your apology and accept an apology.  

I know there are many other issues I could mention, but I will leave it at one last thing: do not ever accuse your spouse of something you know is not true just to avoid the real issue or to take the heat off your mistake.  

So He said to them, “Do not intimidate anyone or accuse falsely."  Luke 3:14

 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

 

Generous:  Do not be stingy with your time this week.  Just as you did for the word “first,” say no to obligations that take you away from your spouse.  Be generous with your time, your listening skills, and with romantic time.  If you need to create a schedule for intimate time, have fun with it.  Draw big hearts or happy faces (or use stickers) on the calendar in your bedroom or draw a provocative picture the morning of your tryst and place it in on your lover’s pillow as a reminder for what is to come (or draw it on the mirror with dry erase marker that easily wipes off with a paper towel).

 

Gracious:  Is there anything you are refusing to forgive?  Any old (or even recent) grudges you are festering?  Pray and ask God this week to help you let go of these issues.  Talk things out as needed, there may even be a misunderstanding that can clear up hurt feelings.  If something serious has occurred such as an affair, and you wish to save your marriage, please seek counseling to help you let go of the past. 

Art Project Idea:  Who is more gracious than the Lord?  No one!  Write or print off the words to Numbers 6:24-26, "The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace."  There are several options on how you can use this verse.  Draw a picture of your spouse (or of the two of you together if you so choose), with a bright sun shining on him/her (to represent God’s face shining on your loved one) and use these verses as a header for the artwork.  You could also use a photograph (or multiple photos) and create a scrapbook-type page using bright colors and these verses.  Or you could simply write or computer print the words without a drawing or photos.  Whatever you choose, frame it so you can remember to pray for blessings and peace for your honey and follow God’s example and be gracious to your spouse.

Week 12 Fun Activity

 

The activity this week was to, "Take photos of yourselves making funny faces." Here is our funny photo!

Week 12 Short Video

 

Here is a photo of the "Favorites List" game we played.  And I did learn something new: I learned my hubby's favorite flowers are sunflowers!

Week 12 Art Project

 

Week 12: Fruitful & Fun

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Take photos of yourselves making funny faces.  If you want to show your family & friends what a fun-loving couple you are, post the funny photos on Facebook or other social media, or just save them for yourselves.

 

Week 12: Fruitful & Fun

 

Fruitful:  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.  Galatians 5:22-23

When we display the fruits of the spirit, we automatically invite a spirit of harmony into our home.  Although this is a rich subject and could easily be a separate book, I have summed up very briefly on how to bring these fruits into your married life.

Love:  The root of all the other actions is love.  Think of it as the tree that grows all the other fruits from its magnificent branches.  When you love your mate, your actions will (or should) reflect your feelings.  For when your love is sincere, you care more about your partner’s happiness than your own, and you would never do anything to cause your honey harm. 

Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them.  Matthew 7:12

Joy:  Having joy does not mean life is all sunshine and roses. For more than four years Mel and I were renters in a home where only the boiler worked in the oven, the sink leaked so bad that the kitchen became flooded every time I washed dishes, the dryer only blew cold air, and the water heater went out during our last two years there!  Yes, it was the property owner’s responsibility to fix these things, but we learned the first year that he would go up on the rent any time he was forced to make repairs, and we were too poor to fix them ourselves.  Of course, there were times we fumed over these issues.  Yet we learned to focus on the positive and find joy everywhere else.  Number one, we had the love of and for the Lord, and we had each other.  We could continue to count all of our blessings and find joy even while sloshing across the kitchen floor and taking ice cold showers! And now we rejoice because, in April 2019, God granted our desire, and we moved to our own house!  

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  Philippians 4:4 & 11-12 (NIV)

Peace:  As with joy, we can have peace even when all seems to be going against us.  I can declare this with all certainty as I had two different kinds of cancer in 2023 and yet was filled with God's peace through it all. I see having peace as being synonymous with having faith.  When you place your marriage in God’s hands and trust that He is in control of it all, you can be filled with peace even in the midst of the storm.  Whenever one or both of us are facing anxiety, we pray the following over one another:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7 

Longsuffering:  To be longsuffering in marriage means we are to find patience and forgiveness with our spouse.  More on this next week.  We need to let go of the small things and seek professional help for the larger ones. 

For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.  Matthew 6:14-15

Kindness: Being kind is more than just being nice when everything is going great.  We should strive to be kind even when we have had a bad day and not take out our negative attitude on our mate.  Being kind is also showing compassion for what your honey is going through.  

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Goodness: What does being a good spouse mean to you?  Treat your loved one the way you wish to be treated and not demand perfection from each other.  When you say to a child, “be good,” you are essentially telling him to behave and not cause trouble.  When you follow the principles of The Bible, you are certain to be a good spouse. 

Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.  Matthew 7:17

Faithfulness:  In context of the Bible, faithfulness has to do with faithfulness to God and living a clean life, which is vital to a joyful marriage, but for the sake of this blog I will also use it in the context of faithfulness in marriage. As I wrote last week, being a faithful partner is God’s command for all marriages.  There is NEVER an excuse to cheat.

You shall not commit adultery.  Exodus 20:14

Gentleness:  Being gentle does not equate weakness.  Being tender and gentle when your spouse is hurting turns you into a very powerful rock for your mate.  Being gentle when disagreements arise will make you an immovable force of wisdom.   

And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all.  II Timothy 2:24

Self-Control: There are numerous ways in which we can exercise self-control: in sexual perversion, in temperament, and even in our spending habits.  When you think only of what pleases you and do not worry how your actions affect others, you are lacking self-control, in other words, you are being self-centered and selfish.  When you refuse to give in to wrong behaviors, you are showing respect for your spouse and therefore, being a selfless partner.  

But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. II Peter 1:5-8 

Fun:   It is important to take time out for fun.  Life can be so serious and draining, that it is essential to the health of your marriage to stop to release tensions.  Yes, sex is the most wonderful way to do this, but there are many other ways to have fun as well.  Play indoor or outdoor games, go for walks, have a picnic, etc.  Start a new hobby together or learn a new skill together.  Take time out to laugh every single day and even when times are tough, you will still find a smile on your faces!   

One of the best qualities you can have in a marriage is a sense of humor. Mel and I love to laugh, and we have such a great time. The second day we knew each other we went to the Idaho Historical Museum, and we had the best time! It was where I learned he had a very goofy sense of humor exactly like mine. We had so much fun looking at old photographs and making up what we thought the people were thinking when the photos were taken. We were laughing so hard I thought we were going to be kicked out! Truly, after that date I felt this was a man I could marry because I knew we would always have a great time laughing. 

He who is of a merry heart has a continual feast.  Proverbs 15:15

We have many silly inside jokes together and have fun creating crazy stories. It is fun to surprise each other with silliness like romantic "sneak kiss attacks" and such. Just be careful you still respect each other’s space and if you are into practical jokes, be sure no one gets hurt physically or emotionally and know where each other's boundaries lie. 

A cheerful heart does good like medicine. Proverbs 17:22

We often say we are both silly and romantic (sometimes at the same time), so we say we are "sillantic!" Being goofy together is a bonding experience and makes you feel closer because you know you can trust the other one to be yourself and let your hair down, and therefore, adds to great romance! Especially when you are laughing and relaxed in your lover's arms!

A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance. Proverbs 15:13

Seven months into our marriage, I took a bunch of photos one night when I was feeling extra silly and just started snapping pictures of Mel at weird angles. I even said, "I hope I'm not driving you crazy by being so goofy." But he gave me a big, beautiful smile and said he loved the fun side of me! Do not be afraid to let loose and be silly with each other. It is the most fun you can have with your clothes on!

 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Fruitful:  Bearing good fruit for the Lord’s sake is pleasing to our Creator as our first goal in life is to please Him.  When we learn to practice good works for our Lord, it will naturally spill over into our marriage.

Art Project Option:  Make a tree out of scrapbook or construction paper, or just draw and color one.  Draw either all the same fruits or a variety of them and write a separate fruit of the spirit on each one: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.  (Note: Using patterned scrapbook paper makes for a unique and pretty tree; you can use stickers or stencils for the words.)  Then glue the fruits onto the tree.  Hang this tree somewhere you are sure to read them every day.  When you peruse your tree each day, take time out for self-examination and ask yourself where you succeeded and where you could do better.

The first time I made this, I hand drew it onto an insert from a pizza box because I was out of glue.  We were going through a time of self-realization that we both tended to be too critical of others, so we were (and still are) working on being more positive in our conversations.   I made the tree and fruits with markers and coloring pens and hung it on our living room wall where we could see it as we talked throughout the day.  There were indeed times I was being too negative, I would look over and see the words on the fruits, and I would immediately change my attitude and the topic of conversation to better reflect the fruits of God’s Spirit.     

Fun:  Lighten up!  Laugh a lot! Do something fun you have been yearning to do but felt too old or self-conscious to do.  Fly a kite, play in mud puddles, play miniature golf, eat foods you think are only for kids, or just hang out in your pajamas all day!   Old-fashioned “grown up” fun can also be enjoyable such as playing board games, having a nice meal, or taking a day off from work to snuggle with your sweetie all day!    

Week 11 Fun Activity

This week's fun activity was "Go to a farm!  Feed the animals, gather eggs, milk a cow, or do whatever sounds fun to you.  No farm in the area that allows visitors: Look at books about farms, go to a farmer’s market, or anything else you can think of that celebrates the life and hard work of farming!"  

As with any activity. you can do them any time you choose, and this is one activity we did out of order, we went in September.  This has been one of my favorite fun activities! These photos were taken at Firwood Farm Alpaca Rescue in Fife, WA.

Week 11 Short Video

NOTE: I originally recorded this on March 16, 2020. Before you watch this, I want to apologize if I sounded flippant about the deaths and seriousness of the Coronavirus. We were still unsure of the immensity of it at that time. Although not all deaths had occurred in nursing homes, in March 2020, that was where most cases had been occurring in my home state. Again, back then we did not have all the information and did not realize Covid is much more contagious and deadly than the typical flu. My husband had family members who passed away due to the disease, and I know others who also have lost friends/family.  Also, I know others are still affected by long-term Covid. 5 Years later, people who have compromised immune disorders, the elderly, and people with other underlying medical conditions are still at high risk. If I came across as if I am undermining the seriousness of this virus, I was not, I was just encouraging you all not to fear, as I still wish to encourage you in 2025.

Week 11 Art Project

 

 

This week's art project was to create a booklet of memories of all your firsts together.  You can be as simple or elaborate as you choose. 

Week 11: Faithful & First

Fun Activity This Week:  Go to a farm!  Feed the animals, gather eggs, milk a cow, or do whatever sounds fun to you.  No farm in the area that allows visitors: Look at books about farms, go to a farmer’s market, or anything else you can think of that celebrates the life and hard work of farming!

 

Week 11:Faithful & First

 

Faithful:  There is so much to say on the subject of being a faithful partner that I could write a separate book on the subject.  So, bear with me, this will be the longest blog in this series, but consider it marriage-saving advice! You can always read some now and some later of you are too busy to read all at once.

Let me start with an easy issue.  Being faithful includes flirting only with your spouse. Flirting is not as innocent as some may think, it sends a message that you are finding the other person appealing. This is why I say this is an absolute no-no. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between being friendly and flirting. The problem is that so many times people assume you are flirting, even if you are just being friendly. Of course, do not stop being kind to people, but be careful not to cross a line.  In doubt, I ask my hubby. Mel is very handsome and has the most beautiful eyes, smile, and dimples. As soon as he flashes that illuminating grin, women swoon. I am not exaggerating. Even when I am right next to him, other women openly show an interest in him; wedding rings mean nothing to most people. I hate it so much that I could not possibly ever do that to Mel. That would be cruel, and my goal in life is always to do right by him, not to hurt him in any way.  Besides, I do not want to. I only have desire for my husband and have no interest in flirting with anyone other than Mel.

I try to avoid eye contact with men I do not know and limit it even with those I do know. If I think a man may be looking at me, I immediately look away; even if he is not, I do not want to give him any indication that I would ever do anything to dishonor my precious husband.  I want to honor Mel by my actions in every way and keep myself 100% pure for him. 

Flirting is never harmless and often leads to much more dangerous territory.  So please be aware of how you act around the opposite sex.  Are you simply friendly, or are you outright flirting?  Would you still act that way if your spouse were in the room?  By the way, the dictionary definition of flirting is, "to act amorously; play at love; to trifle or toy, as with an idea."  Says a lot doesn't it?  Says right there that it's “toy[ing] with an idea,” such as an affair.

Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; He who does so destroys his own soul. Proverbs 6:32.

There is NEVER any excuse for pornography. This includes not just movies and magazines, but smutty novels or even provocative clothing ads. This taints your sexual relationship and is absolutely considered being unfaithful.  Remember this verse from a last week, Matthew 5:28, "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." 

Exodus 20:14 states, “You shall not commit adultery."  Also do not even consider being with someone else as Exodus 20:17 says, “You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.”  Could it be any clearer?   

Affairs are not glamorous, sexy, exciting, fun, funny, or romantic.  They are raunchy, soul-destroying, family-ruining, nasty, evil things.

I have known too many people who have had affairs, and I have heard far too many excuses.  Here are just a few: mid-life crisis, I was hurt as a child, he/she cheated on me first, he/she is too controlling, we had a fight, I was lonely, I have a deeper desire for sex than he/she does, I no longer desire him/her, I want to teach him/her a lesson, men in The Bible were allowed to have more than one wife, it makes me feel sexy, or just because I want to.  There is no such thing as a good excuse because there is never any good reason to have an affair.  All of these issues are fixable if you are willing to do the work rather than seeking revenge through sex with another person.  There is no shame in seeking professional help.  If you truly love your spouse, you will risk the awkwardness of talking to your spouse, a spiritual mentor, or psychologist in order to save your marriage before an affair happens.  Afterwards it may be too late.

If you truly love your spouse as I so crazily love mine, you would never even dream of cheating.  The idea would make you want to vomit.  Affairs make me sick!  Bottom line to me is that if you are willing to cheat, you do not truly love your spouse.  In my opinion, those who cheat are clearly showing they are not in love with their mate.  But even if you believe the love is no longer there, that is still no excuse to dishonor your wedding vows.  After all, you chose to get married, and you can always rekindle the love if you are willing.

A note to any unmarried people reading this: Keep this in mind if you choose to be the one cheating with a married person, he/she does not love you.  Even if he/she leaves the spouse for you, statistics say he/she will not be faithful to you either.  If he/she is willing to trade the spouse in for a younger or better-looking person, he/she will most likely trade you in as well.

Affairs ruin more than marriages; they destroy families.  I have it seen repeatedly: a once bright and sunny child becomes sullen and possibly even a troublemaker after such an event. It makes them see everyone around them as untrustworthy.  Children are affected no matter what age they are when they learn of a parent's infidelity.  I have known adults whose parents got divorced due to an affair (or two), and it deeply wounded them to their very souls.  Devastated by her mother cheating on her father, a twenty-four year-old woman almost committed suicide.  She would have succeeded had not a friend discovered her in the midst of trying to end her own life.  Another woman was terrified of marriage because she was afraid there was no such thing as true love if those who claimed to be in love were willing to betray a spouse in such a horrible fashion.  She shied away from even getting a crush on a man because of her trust issues.  She pushed away anyone who tried to get close and stayed single more than half her life.

If you are in the middle of an affair, stop!  Seek help immediately.  You may or may not be able to save your marriage, but if you repent, you will save your soul.

Whether you are married or single, if you are ever tempted to have an affair, please remember this: No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10:13  There is always a way out and the opportunity to walk away.  There are no excuses.   

To keep you from the evil woman, from the flattering tongue of a seductress. Do not lust after her beauty in your heart, nor let her allure you with her eyelids. For by means of a harlot a man is reduced to a crust of bread; and an adulteress will prey upon his precious life. Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?  Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent.  Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; He who does so destroys his own soul. Wounds and dishonor he will get, and his reproach will not be wiped away.  Proverbs 6:24-29 & 32-33

One way to affair-proof your marriage is for you and your spouse to be accountable to each other.  It is healthy in a marriage to have no fear of knowing where your spouse is at all times.  In other words, Mel should never have to worry about what I am doing when we are apart.  He should always trust that I am being faithful and that I would never, in all eternity, do something that would dishonor him in any way.  This includes my time on the phone and computer.  If you feel your spouse is being too nosy when he/she wants to know your plans, it is probably because you have a guilty conscience.  Quite truthfully, everyone I have known that complained they thought their mate or boy/girlfriend was too controlling were people that were indeed sneaking around.

Affairs are not only physical; they can also be mental and emotional. Although seemingly not as dangerous, be warned that they have great potential to lead down darker paths.  Chatting too much with someone other than your spouse online or through texts is still cheating.  Yes, affairs happen in the mind as well.  Again, remember Matthew 5:28.

I know many people are on some form of social media and spend hours communicating with those of the opposite sex; this includes texting as well.  They do this apart from their spouse and sometimes even in secret.  This may start innocent enough, but it is proven to be dangerous ground where affairs start (this is not just my opinion, but fact).  We have both known people who continually talk with someone they are not married to rather than going to their spouse.  If your spouse really is not available, find a relative and/or someone of the same sex to whom you can talk.  If there is no one, then keep a journal and write things down.  However, you should make your spouse your number one source of communication.  If others feel left out, that is okay.  When you are married, your spouse should be your focus and all others can wait.  Your marriage is the most important relationship in your life.  

Mel and I always allow the other to see what we texted as well as all e-mails, Facebook PMs, etc.  If there is something you do not want him/her to see, then you need some serious help in your marriage.  You should also have each other’s passwords to all e-mail and social media accounts.  I am not telling you to be a spy, but just know if your partner chooses to read your e-mail, you have nothing of which to be ashamed! (Or just have joint accounts as we do.)  If you have to hurt feelings by ending Facebook or texting relationships, then so what.  If it is more important to you to hold onto another person and you cannot stand the thought of only talking to him/her in the presence of your spouse, this is a very dangerous sign.  Afterall, whom did you choose to marry and say sacred vows to before God? 

 

First:  When you place God first, your spouse second, and all others last, your marriage will naturally be joyful. 

As a childless woman, I am not qualified at giving advice on how best to balance married life while trying to take care of one or many children.  What I have learned is by reading books on marriage, by observation of married couples with children, and by simply talking with friends that have children.  What I can tell you is that your spouse should always come first.  Always make him/her a priority even over your children.  The secular world will tell you I am wrong, and they will place driving the kids to fifty activities over having a romantic dinner with their spouse.  When you spend more time catering to the kids (in this I mean driving them to a thousand different locations) and not saying no to them, it gives a clear message that the kids are in charge.  The truth is that kids are proven to be happier when the pressure is removed from them participate in less activities and just focus on being a kid.  Limit driving your children to two to three activities a week (total, not per child) or at the most once a day, not all day long. There is nothing wrong with carpool, letting the older kids drive, tutors, housekeepers, babysitters, or cutting down on the children’s activities.  I have known many couples that schedule a date night once a week or once a month and those are the happier marriages.  They are more united as a team when it comes to raising their children, and their children are more stable and happier for it.  Those that let their kids rule their lives are the ones that often end in divorce and/or their children can see a weakness in the marriage and will take full advantage of it.   I am certainly not suggesting neglecting your children; they need nurturing and love every bit as much as you do.  In fact, I highly support family time such a devotionals, playing games, family outings, etc.  However, a healthy marriage where the parents are so united nothing will ever tear them apart will lead to happier, more secure, and more successful children, end up with happy marriages of their own, and are less likely to get into trouble.  The more generous you are spending time alone with your spouse, the happier your whole family will be. Note: When the children are babies you will inevitably neglect each other to care for the little one’s many needs, but still take the time out to assure each other of your love.  Sex and intimate time may be shortened when the baby keeps you awake and exhausted, but even quick sessions or just snuggling are bonding moments.  Take advantage of nap times and use babysitters as the child gets older, even if only for a few hours.

Marriages do not just suffer when there are children demanding time, they suffer when jobs interfere.  If your wife wants to spend a romantic night snuggling (or more) on the couch, please do not brush her off for work, mandatory or not.  I know there are some jobs that demand an awful lot of time, and job security is important in order to keep a roof over your head.  With that said, money will not buy love or a happy marriage.  Buying a house or vehicle you have both always wanted will not make your spouse love you more.  If you really have an itch to spend money, go on a romantic getaway.  Spend long nights gazing into each other’s eyes on the beach or kissing in a hot tub in the mountains.  Those types of memories build lasting relationships, not long hours at work trying to get a promotion.  It is better to be generous with your time with your spouse and be stingy with your boss.  What good will recognition from your coworkers or boss do for you if your spouse walks out the door because he/she feels neglected?   

I am certainly not a perfect wife, but I can say with full conviction that no one will ever accuse me of placing my housework above spending time with Mel.  Yes, that means I also have never been accused of being a neat freak - LOL!  Yet, I have known many women that truly believe cleanliness is next to Godliness.  That phrase is not even in The Bible, and yet far too many people spend more time making sure their home is spotless rather than sitting down and having a long chat with their spouse over a cup of coffee each day.  Reading a book together, playing a game, or taking a walk is much better than making sure every dust bunny has been evicted from your home. 

The only thing you should place before your mate is your walk with the Lord.  I really want to stress the importance of putting your mate before everything except God.  And by “everything,” that is exactly what I mean: children, other people, work, hobbies, etc.  Let not money, fame, pride, power, nor any material thing ever be worth more than the love between you and your spouse.   

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

 

Faithful:  Use this week to evaluate all the relationships you have with people of the opposite sex.  Is there anyone you are placing above your mate?  Are there any friendships you feel guilty about and/or try to keep secret?  Let these people go!  If you work with one of these people and cannot change shifts or quit your job, then at least back off and be less friendly; make certain you are never alone with him/her.   

This is also a good week to put being accountable into practice.  Share passwords with one another and do not erase any texts, e-mails, or social media conversations unless your spouse does not care if he/she sees every message between you and your friends of the same sex.  But make sure you have that agreement before you hit “delete.”  It is best to share one account for all electronic communication, so consider merging all your sources.     

 

First:  Are you placing anything over spending time with your spouse?  Work, sports, hobbies, other people?  Experiment for at least one week by saying, “no” to all of these things and giving your extra time to your soul mate.  You will be surprised at how much closer you feel to your partner after you make an active decision to put him/her first.

Art Project Idea:  To show your mate how important your life with him/her is, and that he/she takes first place in your life, make a little booklet that celebrates all your firsts together.  Make it the same way you made the book in week 1.  The cover for this one can say something such as, “You are my #1 priority, and I love remembering the first time we…”  On each page you can fill in the blank such as: met, had our first date, kissed, said I love you, made love, etc.  You can draw pictures on the pages, use stickers, or just use words.  If you have any photos of these events, you can use them as well and even add a little memento if you so choose.  You can also make this a dual IOU coupon book by adding a gift certificate to recreate all your firsts.  Such as an IOU to return to the first place you ate together, or where you had your honeymoon.  If money is tight, these gift certificates can be non-expiring to give you time to save up for a hotel or a trip.