Week 8 Short Video

When I made this video in 2019, I was trying out my web cam for the first time. Sorry for the weird angle, LOL! 

Also, on another note, in this video I mentioned I was recently diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. After my initial diagnosis in 2019, in 2022 my neurologist strangely and unexpectedly recanted his findings and said he did not know what type of neurological disorder I have and refused to classify my condition as MS. It is a very long and frustrating story, but more than 6 years of trying to find out what is wrong with me, I still do not have a definitive diagnosis, other than confirmed lesions in my brain and a long list of issues I will not bore you with, (basically every symptom of MS). After dealing with 2 types of cancer in 2023, I no longer stress over a neurological diagnosis and choose to live in God's strength and joy one day at a time.

Week 8 Art Project

This week's art project was to "create a new notebook (or scrapbook) that is about the dreams you share together."  This is the cover of ours that I made with scrapbook paper and cut out artwork from gift cards.

Week 8: Divorce & Dream

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Donate time, money, food and/or any miscellaneous items to charity.

Week 8: Divorce & Dream 

Divorce:  "For the Lord God of Israel says That He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence," Says the Lord of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit that you do not deal treacherously.” Malachi 2:16

If there are issues that cause you and/or your children physical or sexual harm, you do not need to stick around for the illegal and immoral actions of a dangerous partner.  However, most other problems can be resolved, even, in some cases, adultery.  The first step is for both of you to commit your marriage to Jesus and promise to follow His principles.

Admitting you have a problem is step number two.  If you need to seek counseling, please do so. Even if you are leery of being too personal with a stranger, then please realize that being vulnerable very well may prevent a divorce. Do not refuse reconciliation because you are scared of opening up to explore your faults or sins. You need to face your fears to save your marriage.  Choose an unbiased party such as a pastor from a church (whether you attend it or not) or a seek out a (preferably) Christian counselor.

The worst thing you can do is give up.  In addition to counseling, there are other courses of action I would suggest.  Even if just for a day, take a trip together, away from the kids and other outside influences.  There are many resources on the Internet and in books but be careful whom to trust.  Not all people that label themselves as a Christian ministry are of God.  If they suggest you do anything that does not line up with Biblical principles, walk away. 

Even if you are not in danger of divorce, I still highly recommend seeking out any kind of couple’s retreat or conference hosted by a Biblically sound church (even if you have to drive a little out of your way).  If you cannot afford their fees, most offer scholarships.  Do not be embarrassed to ask for financial help, think of it as a priceless way of helping your marriage.  You can also seek out free marriage conferences that are offered on-line.  Again, just be careful of the source.

Additionally, you may assume that if you are currently unequally yoked with an unbeliever that you must get divorced, but it is clear that the Lord does not expect you to get a divorce, but just the opposite. (More on this in week 49.)

Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife. But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed.  1 Corinthians 7:10-16 & 27

Dream:  It is a bonding experience to dream with your mate.  When you share your deepest dreams and desires with one another, you learn all about your mate’s heart.  Mel and I both have the dream to travel.  Traveling abroad would be wonderful, but not very affordable, and not always safe.  Therefore, our dream is to discover more of our own country.  I started a notebook around eight years ago with fifty-one sections, one for each state, the extra one is a page for Washington, DC.  Each time we find free travel magazines, we snatch them up.  I began cutting out pages and articles on all the places we would love to see.  

More importantly than the dream of travel, Mel and I have always dreamed of being used for the Lord.  We want to help win souls for eternity.  We are both writers and want to use our gifts to help others.  We support each other’s (unpublished) books, blogs, Facebook pages, and write together on occasion.  Knowing that God has given us the same dreams and desires to help people in the same ways has enhanced our marriage.

There are times when your dreams may entice you to go in the opposite direction from your spouse.  Say you want to open a BBQ restaurant in Kansas City, but your wife wants to start a bed and breakfast in Maine.  Do not split up and go your separate ways even temporality.  While I believe both partners have a right to follow their dreams, your ultimate goal is to keep your marriage together.  This is where the art of compromise will come into play.  If neither one is willing to yield on location, the couple with two locations in mind could split the difference and live somewhere in the middle and open a bed and breakfast that specializes in succulent BBQ.  (Sign me up for that place!)

What you should not do when your dreams do not line up is to try to manipulate the other into changing his/her mind, as you would not want this tactic used on you.  Do not pout until you get your own way but calmly learn to talk about your plans or let the issue go altogether.  The best thing to do, however, is to pray that both of you are within God’s will and that He will open all the right doors to your dreams He deems acceptable.  

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

 Divorce:  Take the time to examine your marriage this week.  Whatever you need to do to divorce-proof your relationship, please do so.  (Week 9 will give more ideas on this.)  Plan at least one full day this week apart from work and kids to reconnect.  If you can afford it, go to a hotel on neutral territory.  If not, try to send the kids to friends’ homes, turn off all electronic devices, and focus on each other; make the goal to fix whatever is tempting to split you apart. Problem solve as necessary but do your very best not to fight.  Be rational and listen to what the other has to say. P.S. Getting away for at least twenty-four hours is revitalizing to do even if you are not in danger of divorce.   

 

Dream:  Five weeks ago, for the word, “believe,” I suggested giving your spouse a notebook that shows you believe in his/her ambitions.  Now is a good time to go over the notebook(s) and continue to show your support. 

Art Project Option: You can now create a new notebook (or scrapbook) that is about the dreams you share together.  Be specific when you create the cover and name your dream in the title of the book such as, “Our Dream to see all 50 States,” “Our Dream Ministry,” “Our Dream House,” or “Our Dream for Children,” etc.  You can cut out pictures from magazines to paste onto the pages or simply write about your dreams and track your progress. 

Week 7 Short Video

 

Week 7 Art Project

The art project this week was to "draw (or print one from the computer) a small tree and write the words, 'Welcome to the Garden of Allowable Fruit,' on it.  Include apples (or other fruit), flowers, and/or leaves as well (stencils are a big help).  Write, 'Enjoy' on at least one of the apples.  Now, you could place these on your bedroom wall by your bed later on if you so choose, but first, what is even more fun is to tape them to yourself in strategic locations!"  P.S. Sorry for the bad photo quality.

Week 7: Desire & Dig Deep

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Dance with your partner!  I do not endorse ungodly environments such as bars/clubs, so I am only suggesting dancing around your own house.  Play romantic music or hum your own tune.  Sway in each other’s embrace and enjoy the romance!

Week 7: Desire & Dig Deep

 

Desire:  Desire in your marriage is a very good thing.  A healthy sexual relationship will make your marriage much happier and bind your union with chords that will not be broken.  As I have stated before, I have no degrees or professional accolades, but my marriage is very joyful and very stable, so all I write about is from the perspective of a marriage that is satisfied in every way.

In order to maintain desire in your marriage, try to find romance in even the simple things.  Once while eating a bowl of "ABC's & 123's" I took the time to spell out, “Mel Julie 4Ever.”  Totally silly, but also romantic!  Mel and I are very loving with one another and find romance everywhere. My favorites are (not necessarily original): writing our names in the sand, drawing romantic sayings on him with my finger, whispering sweet and suggestive things in his ear in public places, writing poems (yes, "naughty" poems included), giving him mushy cards, singing silly songs with our names, writing messages on the bathroom mirror with dry-erase marker (wipes clean with a paper towel), drawing hearts with the ketchup, mustard, and hot sauce, taking lots of pictures of each other, simply holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes, and a million other things!

Also consider spicing it up in the bedroom around once a month.  After all, God gave us our spouses for pleasure, so enjoy each other!  Although I believe what happens in the bedroom should be private, I cannot write a book on marital advice without giving away a few of our bedroom secrets.  Therefore, in order to offer some suggestions that add the spice of desire to your love life, I will have to break my own rule for the sake of this blog.  One idea I have come up with is finding a theme and having a lot of fun with it.  Begin with a nice meal, decorate your bedroom with some sort of fun accessories (you can make them if you cannot afford to buy decorations), dress up in a unique outfit, play music (if you do not have a CD with matching music, stream it from the Internet), and if you can afford it, give a gift that is related.  One way to do this is to play with a location theme such as Germany, the ocean, a castle, etc.  If you cannot spend money on specific themed lingerie, try using stickers, gift bows, or your own artwork to place strategically on yourself. The idea is to be creative and make your love life fun, romantic, and exciting.  

Ask and answer questions about each other’s fantasies and attempt to fulfill the fantasies as closely as possible.  If he has always wanted to be intimate on a boat, you may not literally be able to fulfill that wish, so decorate your room to look like a ship (I used a blue sheet, hand-drew fish, and played ocean sounds).  Have an outdoor fantasy but live in a crowded neighborhood, then make the room look like the outdoors (think green blanket, real and fake flowers, and even animal decorations and outdoor sounds).  You can draw or buy decorations to simulate water, flowers, stars, etc.   Places, outfits, decorations, music, scents, lighting… use your imagination and make it special and unique. 

If you truly plan to spend forever with your spouse, it is a good idea not to ever let him/her get bored.  However, just to be clear: I absolutely do NOT endorse anything perverted or immoral and there are obvious lines not to cross.  

Ask questions, be honest telling him/her what you do and do not like.  Be creative with showing your spouse just how much you desire your best friend, soul mate, and lover.  Be respectful, be romantic, and have fun!   

Dig Deep:  When you are dating, you want to know everything about each other.  You ask all about each other’s childhood, jobs, and, even if you really do not want to know, you will ask about past relationships.  Just because you are married, that does not mean the questions should stop.  Nor should you stop sharing information.  Even after almost thirteen years of marriage, Mel and I are still discovering and telling new stories. 

Doctors never stop studying and learning all they can know about their profession; it is essential to their career that they keep up to date on all there is to know about medicine.  Consider yourself a perpetual student of your mate.  Digging in deep to know all about your spouse does not just mean knowing about the past, but about daily emotions as well.  It is a good idea to check in with each other on a regular basis and ask how the other is doing.  When necessary, ask what you can do to help and do your very best to follow through.  You honor your marriage by knowing all there is to know about each other and not taking your honey for granted just because you have a ring on your finger. 

Digging in deep goes beyond the two of you.  Dig in deep in your relationship with the Lord.  Bible studies may be difficult to do every day but commit to a minimum of once a week and pray together at the same time.  You can increase it from there as your hunger for the things of God grows.  You may find you want to set aside at least one day a month for fasting and praying on your knees.  You may even choose to set aside several days a month where you shut off the Internet and other forms of secular entertainment, stay away from all negative influences, and focus only on God’s Voice.  You could even include an extended fast during this time.  Just as you do not want your martial relationship to grow stale, you absolutely do not ever want your spiritual relationship to diminish.

 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Desire:  Make certain your lover feels desired this week.  Ask each other about your fantasies and do your best to fulfill one this week. 

Art Project Option:   Using plain or scrapbook paper draw (or print one from the computer) a small tree and write the words, “Welcome to the Garden of Allowable Fruit,” on it.  Include apples (or other fruit), flowers, and/or leaves as well (stencils are a big help).  Write, “Enjoy” on at least one of the apples.  Now, you could place these on your bedroom wall by your bed later on if you so choose, but first, what is even more fun is to tape them to yourself in strategic locations!

 

Dig Deep:  Create for each other a fun game of trivia.  Write (or verbally ask) around ten questions about you.  Make at least half of them questions you think he/she will not know the answer to and use this time to open up about something new.  Do not use this time to berate each other for things he/she has forgotten or does not know, simply (and calmly) relate the facts that may have slipped his/her mind.  Find a fun way to reward correct answers such as a sexy kiss, a snack food item, or anything else you can think of (if you combine this with the above word you could turn this into a more intimate game).  After completing the questionnaires about yourselves, ask around ten questions you would like answered.  Do not be shy about digging deep and being personal.  Afterall, this is your lifetime partner, and the more you know the richer the marriage!   

Also, on this blog site I have post questions I created titled "Conversations of Love." So, if you are stuck on how to dig deeper in your conversations, please search the search bar for "conversations of love" at the top of this blog site and use the questions created to help your marriage grow stronger.

Week 6 Fun Activity

This week's fun activity was to create a collage from your collection of photos or other memorabilia.  We made these 6 collages and used picture frames Mel had gotten for free at a yard sale.

Week 6 Short Video

 

Week 6 Art Project

"In order to celebrate the ways in which you complement each other," this week's art project was to "create a poster and say silly things such as, “We go together like bagels and cream cheese. Use a piece of poster board or cardboard." I used a grocery store flyer and a cardboard pizza insert to make my project.

Week 6: Compassion & Complement

Fun Activity This Week:  Compile a collection of memorabilia and make a collage.  If you do not want to take on an additional art project this week, then just spend time with your honey and look through old photos and keepsakes, and the take an enjoyable trip down memory lane.

Week 6: Compassion & Complement:

 

Compassion:   It is important to have compassion for your spouse even when you cannot relate to what he/she is going through.  Do not ever make your loved one feel weak for crying or feeling down.  Instead, encourage each other and pray for one another.  If your spouse cannot feel comfortable coming to you with problems because he/she feels you may downplay his/her feelings or simply not listen, this could lead to more serious issues down the road.  Be there for one another in good times and bad.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

When I was a receptionist at a veterinary clinic (not the same one where I was a veterinary technician), I observed one of the saddest displays of spousal disrespect I have ever seen.  When a husband and wife came in to pick up their deceased dog's ashes, the wife was in tears as soon as she saw the urn.  Instead of the husband embracing his wife, saying a kind word, or even patting her on the shoulder, he roughly said, "I should have left you at home."  I immediately saw a look of even worse pain come over the wife's face.  One can only assume this husband was an even worse bully in private if he was so willing to show such an ugly, heartless side in public.  I felt very badly for the wife.  Even if he could not relate to her pain because he did not love the dog, or thought it was "just" as pet, he still should have showed compassion.  Instead, he made her feel worse, and, I am certain, very much alone.  More than ten years later, recalling that moment still makes my chest tighten in grief for that poor woman. 

It is so very important to show compassion to your spouse even when you have no idea what he/she is feeling.  Mel's tears are my tears, and his joy is my joy. 

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15

Go the extra mile and buy flowers or stuffed animal, etc. or give (or make) a card to show your compassion.  I know material items are not an instant fix to a broken heart, but just knowing your mate genuinely cares about your hurt, makes the pain more bearable.  Less than two years into our marriage we lost a dog and then a cat that had both been mine long before I married Mel.  Both times Mel brought me to Build-A-Bear, one of my favorite stores, and suggested I make a stuffed animal to represent the losses. Mel’s compassion was a great comfort during my grief.

With all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bear one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:2-3

Please remember to be sensitive to your spouse's emotions.  Do not ever make him/her feel it is wrong to be sad or scared.  Instead, hold his /her hand, cry, and pray together. 

Be sensitive to physical pain as well.  Some people have a higher tolerance for pain than others and/or were taught not to complain.  While others are more dramatic either because the literally feel the pain worse or want the attention.  It is not up to you to judge which is the case.  (However, if this sounds like you, remember over-exaggerating pain is the same as lying.  Do not manipulate your spouse by pretending.)  Show compassion and do all you can to help ease the pain, and do not ignore the cries of physical discomfort.  If you only offer sincere words of kindness to show you feel bad for your mate’s discomfort, that can be enough.  However, bringing your mate his/her medication, going to the doctor together, and helping with tasks that may be difficult, and buying or preparing comfort foods are also welcome acts of compassion.   

 

Complement:  This is not about paying compliments, but about learning to use your personalities to complement one another.  In other words, accepting how well you balance each other out.  Celebrate the areas in which you are like-minded, but also embrace your differences.

Mel and I are very much alike.  Our fathers were pastors, we both love history and museums, we have the same taste in music and books, we love animals, we love the outdoors, we crave travel, we love toys and antiques, we have the same sense of humor, we both desire to please the Lord, and the list goes on.  The main area where we are different is that he loves to be surrounded by lots of people, where I tend to be an isolationist.

When I met Mel, the first thing I admired about him was his boldness for and obedience to Christ. His spirituality was what drew me to him and made me want to get to know him better.  I am still impressed by his wealth of knowledge and his fearless willingness to stand up for what he believes. He has taught home groups, has been involved in street ministry, and was the associate pastor at the first church we attended as a couple, where he was also the overseer of evangelism and outreaches.  

    I, on the other hand, am a shy little mouse. I sometimes dislike that about myself. As Mark 14:38 states, "The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." I know this verse has to do with temptation, but for me it has to do with my willingness to serve Christ but being afraid to speak in public. I truly want to be a vessel to be used for His kingdom, but I am so shy, I shrink like a wallflower every time I am around people. I pray for boldness often.

Yet I also believe that God does not make mistakes for as Isaiah 43:1 says, "But now, thus says the Lord, who created you... And He who formed you.'" And Isaiah 44:2, "Thus says the Lord who made you and formed you from the womb." Therefore, I have to believe God did not design me to be the leader-type. This is why I am very comfortable behind the scenes, and why God has called me to write.

Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor." Therefore, I know for absolute certain that Mel and I are a perfect pair. His boldness helps my shyness. I lean on him for strength. I am his helpmate as I very much love being.  I am meant to be my husband's support system and I am pleased to accept the mission! I will be his shoulder to lean on, his prayer warrior, and his hand to hold.  As much as I can, I will gladly stand by his side and assist him, but I know my main goal is being his cheerleader. Go, Mel! Mel says he loves that I am shy and quiet. He said he even prayed for a shy woman that was a gentle peacemaker and not interested in shallow social scenes. See, another sign we were made for each other! Especially since I prayed for a man that would be very Godly and would be my spiritual leader.  (P.S., I never once felt shy around Mel, not even on the day we met, which is extremely rare for me, and further proof we were destined to be together!) 

I am certain many of you can relate to my story.  While your differences may be entirely unlike ours, we all have at least one area where we see things in a different light from our mate.  I do not like to think of them as strengths and weaknesses, but rather as the way God made us.  We can use our separate personalities to complete each other.  When you become one with your partner in marriage, it only makes sense that he/she fills in the gaps.  Think of it as being two sides of one a priceless coin, and praise God for having enough wisdom to lead you to your perfect match! 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Compassion:  Check in with your mate this week and see if there is anything on his/her mind that needs to be discussed.  There may be an issue pent up inside for months that your honey has been afraid to talk about for fear of your reaction.  Let your sweetie know you want him/her to unburden him/herself to you, and you will be his/her rock.  Listen without judgment and with a heart full of compassion.  Be ready to lend a shoulder and supply the tissues.

Also ask about physical needs and offer to take him/her to the doctor if necessary.  Do whatever you can that helps lessen his/her pain by taking on chores, etc.

Complement: Art Project Option: In order to celebrate the ways in which you complement each other, create a poster and say silly things such as, “We go together like bagels and cream cheese.” Use a piece of poster board or cardboard (I like to take apart packing boxes or use clean pizza boxes). Illustrate it if you wish or cut out the labels to the items you are using, such as for the phrase, “We go together like toothpaste and mouthwash,” you could be the labels from a box of Crest and a bottle of Scope.  Use a wrapper from a fast-food burger (restaurants will usually give you a clean one for free) and a jar of pickles for going together like “hamburgers and pickles.”   The ideas are endless but try to personalize it to include inside jokes such as, “We go together like tacos and salsa” because he is a fan of Mexican food.  Or “We go together like blueberries and cheesecake” because that is her favorite dessert.  You can also go on-line and print out logos or type the list with fun fonts.  Glue your fun ideas onto the piece of cardboard or whatever you choose.  

Week 5 Fun Activity

Week 5's activity was to "Go camping!  Wrong time of year or no place to go: Set up a tent in your living room, complete with flameless candles to imitate a campfire.  No tent: Create one out of blankets like you did as a kid.  Don’t forget the marshmallows!  Indoor camping: you can still make S’mores by toasting the marshmallows over the stovetop on a long-handled fork or something similar but watch closely for messy drips! I have also made s'mores in an air fryer by melting the chocolate (I used white chocolate chips) and the marshmallows onto the graham crackers on a tray in the air fryer. (Note: Since I am posting this in February, you can always put this activity on a checklist and save it for warmer weather.) "

Since it is definitely too cold to go camping and, unfortunately, we do not own a tent, we sent up a blanket tent for indoor camping.  Silly, but fun! We used flameless candles, but skipped the marshmallows this time, instead we had trail mix! 

Week 5 Short Video

 

Week 5 Art Project

This week's art project was to "create a can or box out of anything you choose... to collect all your loose change. Decorate with symbols of the charity or charities for which you are saving... Save up" as long as you choose and then donate to a reliable charity.  Our charity of choice is World Vision and I decorated the can from one of their catalogs as well as using a picture of the sweet boy we have sponsored since 2019 (In the red shirt when he was 6 years old, he is now 13!)

Week 5: Charity & Commiserate

Fun Activity This Week:  Go camping!  Wrong time of year or no place to go: Set up a tent in your living room, complete with flameless candles to imitate a campfire.  No tent: Create one out of blankets like you did as a kid.  Don’t forget the marshmallows!  Indoor camping: you can still make S’mores by toasting the marshmallows over the stovetop on a long-handled fork or something similar but watch closely for messy drips! I have also made s'mores in an air fryer by melting the chocolate (I used white chocolate chips) and the marshmallows onto the graham crackers on a tray in the air fryer. (Note: Since I am posting this in February, you can always put this activity on a checklist and save it for warmer weather.) 

 

Week 5: Charity & Commiserate

 

Charity:  I am a big believer in donating to charity (this will also be clear when you see the fun idea suggested for week 8).  I am not ashamed to admit for most of our marriage, Mel and I have relied heavily upon food banks and heating assistance in the winter.  During this time my attitude changed toward people in need.  Sure, I had worked at soup kitchens before and even delved into our meager budget to make meals to feed the homeless.  I have donated to my own favorite charities since I first started working at the age of seventeen.  Yet somehow, I still held the same negative perception I see in nearly everyone I know against the poor.  Are they lazy and just taking advantage of free assistance?  After the first week of standing line with the same type of people I once looked down upon, and after hearing one too many judgmental people spout off to me with, “Don’t you want to work?” my heart has been forever changed.  It is not our place to judge those who ask for help; it is our job to try to meet their needs or point them in the right direction toward an organization that can help. (On a side note, I do actually work as often as I can, and when unemployed I am continually seeking another job that my health issues can handle.  I have even worked jobs I knew would be physically difficult, but stayed as long as I could until my condition insisted I leave.)

But whoever has this world's goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? I John 3:17

Donations do not have to cost money when you are also in need.  You can give your time as well as clothing and other items in good condition.  When you give as a couple, and practice the principles of Jesus Christ, it will strengthen your bond.  When I worked at the state park, I befriended an eighty-year-old lonely widow, so Mel and I made sure we spoiled her by treating her to a nice dinner.   This is something you can do, or even babysit for free, make dinner and/or dessert for a shut-in neighbor, or other things to help someone with a physical or emotional need. Often, just listening to someone and praying with them is a huge blessing to them and to you.

If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, "Depart in peace, be warmed and filled," but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.  James 2:15-17

Commiserate:  Too many people are quick to dismiss their partner’s negative personality traits as nothing more than a personality flaw.  Yet, when you can learn to commiserate with your honey’s past, you will be a lot more understanding.

We all have things in our past that have caused us pain.  Some things may seem small to one person but monumental to another.  Do not dismiss the way a difficult past affects your spouse just because you do not believe you would handle the situation the same way.

Ask each other to be open and honest with your pasts.  The more you know the more you can commiserate.  When you understand that a rejection complex is due to dealing with losing multiple family members, you will learn to be less defensive every time he/she thinks you are rejecting him/her.  If you know your mate has been abused, you should find yourself feeling less judgmental every time he/she overreacts to a simple correction or disagreement.

Pray to see each other through God’s eyes of love and compassion.  Romans 12:15-16 gives us this good advice, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another.”  When you can place yourself in each other’s shoes and try to understand why certain things are triggers to bad moods or bad habits, it will be easier to work through your problems.  You can then truly, “Be of the same mind toward one another.”

Do not assume all the anger or hurt is directed at you; you just happen to be the closest target, so the past becomes transferred onto you.  The more you can commiserate, however, the easier it will be to work through the problems so bad behaviors are not repeated. 

I am certainly not justifying bad behaviors just because one has faced a painful past.  We are always responsible for our actions toward others and must do our best to heal from the abuses of life, so we do not become the offender.  Oft times one is unaware he/she is taking out past hurts on others.   That is why it is best to talk things out and gently remind your mate his/her transference is not fair to you and remind each other to treat one another with kindness and respect.  And of, course, ask the Holy Spirit to heal all wounds, and seek professional help if needed. 

     

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

 

Charity:  If you do not have one in mind already, use this week to research out a charity you would like to start supporting.  Make certain they are legitimate and represent your moral beliefs and local/global concerns.

Art Project Idea:  Create a can or box out of anything you choose (coffee can, oatmeal box, tissue box etc.) to collect all your loose change. Decorate with symbols of the charity or charities for which you are saving.   The fun activity for Week 8 will suggest donating to charity that week.  Save up until then (and even beyond). If you rarely use cash and therefore seldom have change, set aside a designated amount to put in the can each month by using an IOU slip of paper or however you choose the save the money.

 

Commiserate:  If you have not shared all of your past hurts with your mate, make it a priority this week to do just that so that he/she can commiserate with you and better understand why you tick the way you do. Do your very best not to turn your spouse into your scapegoat.  Rather than taking our past hurts on your honey, learn to deal with the real issues causing you pain so you can heal and be a better partner.

If you are the one wondering why your mate gets angry, standoffish, rude, defensive, or frightened at certain triggers, ask him/her about it and be quick to commiserate.  Be open and nonjudgmental to all your mate shares.  Pray that God will heal past wounds for the both of you.