Week 1: Admiration & Affection

Fun activity this week: Pick apples (or any other fruit or veggie) at an orchard.  Wrong time of year or no orchard in your area: go out to eat and just order apple pie or make a main dish or dessert using apples!

Week 1: Admiration & Affection

 

Admiration:  You should more than like whom you married, but truly admire him/her as a person.  Obviously, there are going to be things about each other that may be frustrating, but that should never stop us from loving one another.  Yet if you cannot say you admire your spouse for more than looks or what is in the bank account, then you will have problems in your marriage.

Loving someone is beyond wonderful, but if there are too many personality traits that you do not like, it is very probable you will feel miserable and possibly even trapped with someone you never expected was one with whom you would rather not be.  It is why so many spouses choose to work long hours or even get a job where they travel.  They love their mate, so in order to prevent constant fighting or a divorce, they find it better to spend less time together.  This may seem like a logical solution, but it is not necessarily the right one.  You did not get married to be apart.  Genesis 2:24 says we “shall become one flesh” with our mate when we marry.  It does not say the two remained two. 

If you cannot say you admire your partner’s values, heart, or other important issues in his/her personality, then you need to figure out why.  Are you being too overly critical or does your loved one need help? If you are a neat freak and you hate that she only vacuums once a week, then that is not serious, and you need to quit being so picky.  If you cannot stand the fact that he drinks too much, then definitely that issue needs attention. I always recommend talking things out as a couple first, but there is never any shame in seeking a counselor.  There is more honor in saving your marriage than refusing professional help.

One thing I really cannot abide is a nagging spouse.  Proverbs 19:13 says, “the contentions of a wife are a continual dripping.”  This makes me think of an annoying leaky faucet that is so loud it disturbs one’s sleep.  Quit focusing on the negative!  I strongly believe on concentrating on the positive in your spouse and letting minor issues go.  Does she sing off key or have an annoying laugh?  Does that really matter if she is a faithful, gentle, affectionate, Godly wife?  Of course not!  Focus on the issues that really matter such as she would rather buy shoes than pay the bills.  That issue should be up for discussion. 

Let’s be honest, no one is perfect, and there will be negative issues that arise.  When such an issue needs to be addressed, keep in the back of your mind all the things you greatly admire about your soul mate that caused you to fall in love in the first place.  The admiration you have for your spouse should out-weigh the negatives to the point that the negatives do not even add up.  You can learn to let the petty things go.  Save your words for praising your spouse for all he is and all she does for you.  Say it, write it, or even mime it, but let him/her know how much you admire your honey as a husband/wife, parent, lover, and friend. 

Affection:  I am so glad God gave me a man who loves to kiss, hug, and snuggle.  A friend warned me before I got married that I might not find an affectionate man because not all men are so; I should not expect such fantasies.  I ignored that negativity and still asked God for a romantic man.  Mel and I both say, "I love you," innumerable times a day and there is no limit to how much we hug and kiss.  Mel will never turn me down or reject me when I throw my arms around him for a big bear hug and kiss.  In addition, I will never lack kisses, hugs, or compliments.   

I know there are days you do not feel attractive, you are feeling angry with your mate, or you are pressed for time.  And, yes, women, there are certain times of the month, we are too grouchy to even want to kiss (especially after menopause).  During adverse times, being intimate with your spouse can feel more like a chore than a privilege.  While it is best to be honest with your feelings, try to put your negativity aside and focus on your mate.  Often you may not think you are “in the mood,” but once you begin bonding with each other, the less-than-sexy feelings vanish as you give in to the pleasure.  You do not have to spend a long time in the bedroom to show affection, and even a quick make-out session can make you feel connected.  I have some medical issues that cause a lot of pain and weakness, so if I am feeling too poorly to be too romantically active, I am honest with Mel, and he is respectful in not expecting more than I can handle.    

We can all feel rejected and take it personally when our lover is less than enthusiastic in the bedroom more than once and a while.  Making each other feel desired is a huge relationship booster for a marriage.  If you have difficulty being intimate with your spouse more than a few times a month, you may need to seek medical help or psychological counseling to find out why.  Although marriage is not only about sex, it is a big part of it.  It should the cherry on top, not the dirty dishes in the sink.

You should always respect your mate when he/she is not feeling romantic.  Do not make him/her feel guilty.  Talk things out, and when you both feel better, resume your normal routine. 

There is nothing wrong with telling him/her you would rather wait for intimate time until later but do your best not to deprive one another.  Even The Bible suggests the same.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  I Corinthians 7:3-5

When I speak of affection, I do not just mean sex.  Little gestures such as a kiss to greet each other and say good-bye are affirming ways to start and end your day.  Hugs, kisses, flirting, and holding hands are things you should do all throughout each day.  Even simple touching will make you feel loved and connected to each other.  People who feel loved and accepted have much happier marriages and are less likely to stray.

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

Admiration: Inventory all the things you admire about your mate.  One option is to use the theme of this book and make your list at least one attribute from A-Z.  Present it to your spouse as a list on notebook paper, turn it into a poem, or... 

Art Project Option: Cut pieces of plain computer or construction paper into fourths.  Make a 26-page booklet (one page for each letter) using stencils, your own artwork, or computer printouts.  You could even cut out each letter from a variety of scrapbook paper patterns and glue them to the pages.  You can add stickers (especially fun alphabet stickers) if you wish. Make a nice cover for it (you could use scrapbook paper for the cover). One idea is to title it, “The ABCs of What I Love About You.” Punch holes in the sheets of paper then tie them together with embroidery thread, yarn, or even rubber bands.  Be careful to dwell on all the personality traits you admire this week, and not on shallow things.  When the booklet is finished, take the time to read it together.

 

Affection:  Public affection is another way to make your mate feel desirable.  Sit on the same side of the booth or table every time you go out to eat.  Use discretion but make it clear to the whole world you are a couple in love.  When out at a restaurant, whisper sweet nothings in his/her ear that cause each other to blush.  Write sexy notes on a napkin (or keep pre-written love notes in your wallet) and slip it to him/her with a flirtatious smile.  Offer to be each other’s dessert!

Make it a point this week not to turn down any affectionate gesture.  If you are too busy for sex, do not say no, but promise to make time later and follow through. Sometimes just taking a quick shower together in the mornings is enough to keep you feeling bonded all day.