Fun Activity This Week: Have ice cream together and enjoy each other’s flavor! (You can enjoy any dessert; I chose ice cream because it is one of my favorite desserts and it coordinates with the letter I!)
Week 17: In-Laws & Intelligence
In-Laws: Let’s face it, in-laws can either be a wonderful asset to a marriage, or a huge detriment. While we cannot control the behavior of our parents, there are several rules we can follow to make certain in-laws are a delight and not a disaster. Just to be clear, this is not about saying anything against either Mel's parents or mine, nor is this week is not about insulting anyone. I am also not telling you to disrespect your elders. This week is all about presenting another good tip for keeping your marriage joyful. Setting healthy boundaries actually promotes harmony and joy rather than anger and resentment.
When Genesis 2:24 says that you and your spouse become one, please note the first part of the verse mentions leaving your family, “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Too often parents are allowed to interfere in their children’s marriages. However, these verses were not written as a whim, God was serious when He said we must leave our parents and cling to our mate. This verse was obviously not written for Adam and Eve, as they had no parents to leave; God clearly said these words for the sake of all future generations to the end of this world. Even well-intentioned parents can cause problems in a marriage by assuming a newly married couple needs constant advice. They are not being intentionally cruel, just unaware of how their interference is Biblically wrong. However, you are an adult when you marry, and you need to stop relying on mamma and papa to tell you what to do. If they raised you right then you can follow their good examples for a happy, healthy marriage. If not, then you can use all their bad examples for how not to conduct your marriage. Truly, it is that simple! The first time you call a parent to complain about your mate, you undermine your spouse and are allowing hard feelings to exist. Even after you have long forgiven the issue, your parents will most likely still be thinking ill of your mate.
I am not saying all in-laws need to be held at arm’s length. You can have a great relationship with them when they respect that you are adults and treat you as equals. Spending time with in-laws can be quite enjoyable. Afterall, I am talking about family, and I would never encourage anyone to not spend time with family as long as they treat you and your mate with love and respect. Just know your boundaries on both sides and always put your honey first.
I adore my in-laws. Mel’s father Paul and mother Marie are the perfect example of a loving, successful, Godly marriage. They are mentors to me, and I love them. Yet, sadly, all I know about them is through a series of photographs and memories my husband shares with me. Paul passed away in 1976 from a brain tumor, and Marie died in 1996 from heart issues complicated by diabetes. I often wish I could have long, meaningful conversations with them. I want to thank them for the gift of Mel and for raising the "perfect" son. I miss them without having met them. Additionally, Mel's in-laws, (my parents and stepparents), have showed love to Mel as a son.
The sad truth is, too many parents find it difficult to let go of their children even well into middle age. When a parent becomes too meddlesome, quarrelsome, and critical, you very well may need a separation, either temporally or permanently. God wants us to love and forgive all who cause us hurt, but do not feel guilty for placing your spouse above an over-bearing parent, as this is exactly as God commanded. You are to stand bold for your marriage above everyone else. Remember, God said the two become one, not three, four, or more.
With divorces so prevalent, it is quite common that between the two of you, you may have as many as eight parents to deal with (four by birth and four stepparents) and this can overwhelm a marriage, especially come holiday time. But relax and put your and your mate’s needs first. You can always create a rotating schedule for which family is visited when. However, I know from reports from friends, that at least one parent always gets their feelings hurt because it is difficult to create a schedule that makes everyone happy. If you cannot all spend a holiday together as one big, blended family, my opinion is to spend holidays with just the two of you (and underage children of course, but respect your adult kids need for space as needed) and visit relatives throughout the year at non-obligated times. Less stress and less hurt feelings equal more fun and more bonding with relatives when you can relax and not worry that someone is feeling neglected.
Intelligence: One of the many things I had asked God for when praying for a husband was that he would be a man of intelligence. I am very attracted to a man with a brain much more so than brawn. Mel is far too humble to admit it, but he is very intelligent. His IQ is above the genius level and he is very knowledgeable on numerous subjects. Mel is the perfect package as he is both handsome and smart!
Some people are put off by intelligence, but I cannot figure out why. The best I can assume is that they are insecure and a smarty makes them feel inadequate. There is nothing wrong with having a lower IQ than your mate, or a higher one. Rejoice in the amount of intelligence God chose to give each of you.
I mentioned earlier that I was a veterinary technician, but before that, I worked in law enforcement for seven years. I was a police dispatcher for nearly three years, then transferred to the office as a Community Service Officer (a civilian job that consists of a lot of paperwork as well as helping in the field as needed) and ended my last year as a Crime Analyst (analyzes crime statistics, not a crime scene investigator). Both veterinary medicine and law enforcement required many years of training; I never stopped learning. My point is that we should treat our marriages with the same enthusiasm as learning a new skill. Not just about each other as I stated ten weeks ago but learning with each other.
Teach each other all you know about all you know. Teacher, do not be arrogant or condescending. Pupil, be an eager student and ask many questions. If you disagree, be respectful, and do your research together if one of you insists on being proven right.
Now, even more fun, learn something new together, and encourage each other’s intelligence. If you are the faster learner, do not gloat, but be supportive. If you are the slower learner, do not resent your mate or give up and be a spoilsport. The point is just to have fun and find a new way to bond.
Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:
In-Laws: If you are having any issues with your in-laws use this week as an opportunity to speak to your spouse about it. Sincerely listen to all your mate has to say and remember Genesis 2:24 to cling to your soul mate, and to leave mama and papa behind. There is nothing wrong with dialing back time spent with any family member, especially if you are using them as a crutch or they are using you. Anyone who truly supports your marriage will respect the decision to focus more on your marriage and less on the lives of the parents or in-laws.
Make sure to communicate with the in-laws that you feel may be crossing a line. Give them the opportunity to correct the problem in attempt to salvage the relationship rather than just give up. Remember, they may not be being purposefully interfering, and a simple reminder can save a lot of hard feelings later on. However, if all attempts to communicate fail to produce positive results, take a break to send a clear message until the offenders can learn to treat you and your partner with more respect. But, as I said, I would never discourage time with family, so make it a temporary break and try again later, even if it takes several breaks to work out all the kinks. Time is short and precious, so it is better to co-exist happily with all issues settled than be apart because you are afraid to communicate. Remember, God expects us to forgive one another without limit!
On the other hand, I would also encourage you to use this week to celebrate those in-laws with whom you have a good relationship. Invite them to or take them out to dinner and let them know how much you appreciate their love and support of your marriage. If you live in separate states, send them a card, give them a call, and/or send a small gift (if you can afford it) as a token of your appreciation.
Intelligence: Encourage each other’s intelligence! Play a trivia game together or go to a museum and lovingly listen to all he/she can tell you about the artifacts (or view museums on-line). Do not correct a fact you may think is wrong, but just have fun. Learn a new skill together such as a new language, playing an instrument, cooking classes, etc.
Art Project Option #1: If you are learning a new skill together, create a graduation ceremony of sorts when the lessons (or first stage of lessons) are completed. Create diplomas, decorate with streamers, and make a banner celebrating your joint accomplishments. You could even take it a step farther and create fun award certificates for “sexiest student,” “cutest pupil,” etc. If you like, include homemade treats as part of your ceremony, such as cookies or a cake you can decorate with words of congratulations.
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