Fun Activity This Week: Explore a state or city park near you. I worked for a state park in Idaho in 2018and really loved it. Therefore, I highly recommend utilizing your state park, even if just for day use. Although we are at the end of November, some state parks may still be open for hiking or just sitting at a table. If this is not an option, then explore a city park, even if you’ve been there before. I realize this is the wrong time of year for camping or a picnic/BBQ, so you can also always save this activity for later.
Week 47: seX & Xanthippe
seX: A healthy sex life makes marriage so much sweeter. Sex within marriage is a wonderful blessing so enjoy your God-given mate. It should be both the icing and the cherry on top of an already blessed life. Although I would not write about sexual issues under any other context, speaking about sex within marriage is not lewd as long as you are not speaking about it to another person other than for marital advice such as this blog or to a trusted friend of the same gender, counselor, or pastor.
God designed us for pleasure and a healthy sex life is within His perfect will. Enjoying each other physically enhances your marriage and makes your bond grow stronger. Talk about what things you enjoy and what makes you uncomfortable. Discuss fantasies and be open to new ideas. There are many ways to have fun with your sex life, but there are some ways you can cross over into ungodly perversion. Never force something on your partner with which he/she feels uncomfortable. I will just put it out there: I believe S & M is wrong, as it does not reflect a healthy sex life, and violence does NOT and will NOT ever equal love. I also do not believe a couple should ever watch pornography alone or together as this would be displeasing to the Lord. You should never fantasize about another person (Matthew 5:28) In addition, never ever introduce a third (or more) person into your sex life.
Many negative issues in one’s past can adversely affect your intimate time with your spouse. If you have difficulty having sex because of past hurts, please seek counseling. As I was a very naïve virgin when I married, I am certainly not an expert in the area of dysfunctional conditions that can ruin your love life. What I can best recommend is seeking help from a medical or psychological doctor. Marriage is not only about sex, but many marriages end in divorce because of problems in the bedroom. Please ask for help rather than lose your marriage.
There is more I could say about a healthy sex life within marriage, but I will just add that sex between you and your mate should be private (I even feel uncomfortable writing about it, but when writing a blog on marriage, it should be addressed). With that said, if you would like a few general ideas on how to put a spark into your sex life, please refer back to week 7.
Xanthippe: Xanthippe was the wife of Socrates, and her name became synonymous with being a “shrewish or scolding woman.” Truthfully, I know no further details than what I looked up in the dictionary when seeking out one more x-word. I could always research more about her, which I would not mind since I love history, but for the sake of this blog it is not necessary. What I currently know is enough information to be a useful word this week.
I realize that the term nag typically refers to women, yet there are plenty of men that treat their wives in a disrespectful manner. When you simply ask your spouse for a favor, that alone does not make you unpleasant. Yet when you repeatedly ask, and your tone becomes more and more angry and rude, the bad behaviors begin. If your mate is slow in putting out the garbage or forgot to pick up milk (or picked out what you consider to be the wrong kind) or has “failed” at performing some other task, that does not give you the right to berate your loved one. You are married adults; do not treat each other like children. You can simply put the trash out yourself or calmly explain to your honey that it would really be helpful if he/she would remember to put the trash out next time he/she goes out the door. Usually, your mate is not being lazy but may have a lot on their mind and there is nothing wrong with being a bit absent-minded now and again. Talk things through like rational adults and explain why when certain tasks are not completed, it puts an extra burden on you. A simple tip here is that it is best to make the decision as a team as to the distribution of household duties (including yard work) as soon as you get married so that there is no confusion as to whom is responsible for what. If the assignments are not working out, sit down and negotiate the tasks.
Besides being a Xanthippe when it comes to nagging over chores, I see both men and women who love to criticize just for the sake of being bossy. Correcting grammar, complaining about where he parked, making fun of clothing choices, and the degrading behavior goes on. I realize that some people are born bossy and sometimes being a leader can be a good quality to have. However, anyone can learn to control aggressive tendencies and strive to treat each other with kindness and respect. Past the age of five, not being able to control your tact is unacceptable. Learn to think before you speak and ask yourself if you would like it if someone talked to you that way!
In 2016, I briefly worked for at a "Christian" campground/retreat center. I worked in an office with three desks and a folding table (my desk was the table). There were no cubicles, and the desks were all crammed together in a space that had once been a storage closet! There was anywhere from two to seven of us in that one tiny office throughout the day. There were two sets of married couples that shared that office. I’m happy to say that the managers displayed a wonderful example of marriage. Yet the other couple that was married was the opposite. They argued all the time, would go all day without speaking to one another, and created an uncomfortable and tense air in a very small space.
Pastors from several different states often frequented the business in the summer months as volunteers. One such pastor looked at this couple with shock as they argued all throughout lunch. After a brief lull in their drama, the pastor calmly asked, “Do you two need counseling?” They did not reply, but I believe all of us at the table could answer for them with a resounding, “Yes!” The wife never ceased to nag at her husband as if he was her child. She would tell him not to sit a certain way, not to speak about certain topics, insult his hairstyle, and even scolded him for not having a long enough conversation with his stepdaughter. He did not tolerate being treated in such a way, but instead of talking things through, he would snap back and created endless cycles of bickering. It was such an unpleasant environment that I resigned after less than three months. I often wonder if that couple ever sought counseling to heal their dysfunctional marriage.
I never expect you to only take my advice, but to apply the principles of The Bible to your conduct. If you find yourself with a less than cordial tone this week, consider the scriptures that speak against being a cruel spouse (they apply to both men and women):
A gracious woman retains honor, but ruthless men retain riches. The merciful man does good for his own soul, But he who is cruel troubles his own flesh. Proverbs 11:16-17
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman. Proverbs 25:24
For three things the earth is perturbed, Yes, for four it cannot bear up… A hateful woman when she is married. Proverbs 30:21 & 23
Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:
seX: What better advice can I give this week than: enjoy your spouse in every single way God intended. No excuses. Find the time even if you have to schedule each other in. There is nothing wrong with a quick session, but this week, make the time for the minimum of half an hour of pleasure (which could include a bath or shower together, and/or a massage). Don’t rush. Take your time, snuggle, bond, and enjoy all that married life has to offer!
Xanthippe: Do not be a Xanthippe! Check your tone and your attitude. One always knows when they are being rude, but if you are truly in doubt, ask your mate if you need to improve in the way you speak to him/her. I have been guilty of a sarcastic tongue on more than one occasion. However, since becoming a wife, I have tried to approve my attitude and whenever I catch even a slight acerbic tone, I quickly reverse my tone and treat my hubby the way he deserves to be treated.
Art project Option: This project requires spending money, but the cheapest suggestion costs roughly $2. Buy a little basket, use one you already own (or a shoebox), or make one out of cardboard. Decorate the outside with scrapbook or wrapping paper preferably with a bee or honeycomb design, but any will do (or you can draw bees/flowers on plain paper). Fill it with lip balm made with honey or beeswax (or any other pampering item made from honey), a bottle of honey, and/or candy made from honey. You could include a variety of other items such as honeysuckle-scented items (think candles or body spray), honeycomb cereal, or use your imagination; the ideas are limitless. You could even make or buy a dessert with honey as an ingredient. (Inexpensive option: just buy one item.) After your basket is complete, copy (handwrite or computer print) one or both of the below scripture verses onto a piece of plain or printed paper, glue it onto a decorated popsicle stick or straw attached to a piece of cardboard and insert it in the basket so that it is the centerpiece. Make a promise to your honey that you will do your very best let sweetness drip from your lips, and not contention.
Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones. Proverbs 16:24
Your lips, O my spouse, Drip as the honeycomb; Honey and milk are under your tongue. Song of Solomon 4:11
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