Fun Activity This Week: Author something together. Anything from a blog, a letter to family & friends, a Bible study, a blog, or even a story or poem. Just make sure you both contribute, even if one writes and the other furnishes the ideas.
Week 2: Apologize & Attitude
Apologize: When you are in the wrong, it is always a good thing to admit, but the admission of guilt must be sincere, or you are wasting your breath. Whenever you start an apology with, “I’m sorry, but…” this is always a huge red flag that you do not feel any remorse for your actions. Your words will be full of justifications and there is no penitence involved. It is just as bad to deflect your guilt by then listing all the things your spouse has done wrong. For example, if you were confessing a lie, this would be a very poor apology: “I am sorry I lied to you, but I felt I had no other choice because you would be mad if I told the truth. Besides, you lied to me before, remember?” When you read that just now, did it cause a flare up of anger from such a confession you have received? There was no sincerity in the words. So why would you say such a thing to your mate?
I am not speaking of small tiffs here and there (although we should still apologize for being snippy with each other), but this article is about major fights or if a harmful secret has been revealed. This is also not about physical violence, for if you ever strike your spouse, you need to do more than apologize, you need serious counseling before you end up in jail and/or divorced.
Do not make your spouse feel guilty for whatever reaction he/she may have, such as anger or hurt. Let him/her cry or yell (within reason) and do not make your mate feel like the offender for an honest reaction to your poor choices. Give him/her space as needed until he/she is ready to talk.
An apology should be genuine and humble. Since I was a teenager, I have always told people not to apologize to me if they did not mean it. I still feel that way. I would rather have silence than shallow words. Please think seriously about whatever you have done that caused your loved one harm. If you are not feeling true guilt, try placing yourself in his/her shoes and think of how he/she would feel if the situation was reversed, and how you would feel if he/she was the offender instead of you. Try saying, “I realize you must feel betrayed by my actions,” or, “If you had done this to me, I would feel unloved right now.”
The bottom line is not to take the act of apologizing lightly. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath.” I am much quicker to forgive an offense when there is a sincere apology behind the guilty eyes. Whatever you can do to make up the error, do your best to try. Trust can be lost, and permanent damage done when your mate does not feel like you think you did anything wrong. Sincere repentance can restore a multitude of wounds.
You may feel the need to give a peace offering after a major fight or confession of an offense. Gifts are not wrong but are unnecessary. When you have hurt your loved one, pretty flowers, jewelry, or other gifts will not erase the wounds and often ends up feeling more like manipulation. You do not need to buy your mate’s forgiveness. However, once the air is clear, and you are both feeling that all issues are resolved, going out to a nice dinner or dessert to clear your hearts and heads can be a good idea. If you still feel the need to buy a gift, do it a few days later with a note reiterating your desire to keep your marriage peaceful.
When you cause your mate harm, whether irrational or not, your partner will feel like your love must be less than you claim. Therefore, you should follow up the apology with an assurance of your love. Also, make a humble vow that you will not repeat the same mistake because you never want to hurt him/her again. Most of all, do your utmost best to keep that promise.
Attitude: Have you ever had to work with someone who always had a bad attitude? Someone who was constantly critical, and nothing was ever right. They always seem grumpy and rarely smile. Those are usually your least favorite co-workers. You know how frustrating these sorts of people are to work with, so why would you want to have this kind of insolence around your mate? It is very important to have a good attitude with your loved one. I have seen too many husbands and wives who continually nag and complain, and nothing their spouse does is ever good enough.
While showing respect to each other is instrumental to promoting a happy marriage, I will address that issue in more detail later. It is also good practice to maintain a non-critical attitude with others in your life. When you can learn to spend more time talking positively, you will be in a better mood, which will make you a better spouse. You may think you are being each other’s sounding board by listening to critical talk of others, but in fact, constant negativity is detrimental to your marriage. Going on and on about how so-and-so wronged you adds a gnarled and tangled thread of bitterness to your hearts. It is much better to spend your time dwelling on true, noble, just, pure, and lovely things (see Philippians 4:8).
Mel and I have a rule: whenever one of us is feeling negative, we will ask for prayer and change the subject to focus on positive issues. We may even take the time to sing a praise song or two. This shift not only allows us to display the fruits of the spirit of love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, faith, meekness, and temperance (see Galatians 5:22-23) with one easy change in attitude, but it invites the Holy Spirit to bless us with God’s presence. We open the door even wider for God’s bounty when we refuse to let pessimism fester.
The truth is people in general are rude, selfish, greedy, jealous, dishonest, and full of carnality. Based on all the above reasons, the people closest to us can be the cause for the deepest wounds. The cruel and heartless actions of others are the excuses we use to justify the anger and resentment that is so difficult to get rid of. However, we are not responsible for any one’s sins other than our own. We cannot control our friends’, co-workers’, or family members’ actions. Instead, we can allow the Holy Spirit to guide and control our own hearts and forgive those that have harmed our spouse or us. We do not have to let harmful people back into our lives, but we do have to remove the root of bitterness choking out our relationship with Jesus Christ. This may be very difficult, and we can only be successful when we admit and confess that this is an issue of sin in our lives, repent, and then allow the love of Jesus to rule our hearts and let Him change us. In turn, we will be a calmer partner, our attitudes will improve, and we will be much easier to live with!
Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:
Apologize: Do some serious soul-searching this week. Are there any issues for which you need to apologize, or even re-apologize with more sincerity? Make certain there are no barriers between you and your mate. Come clean, be accountable, and take responsibility for your actions. Be humble and make an effort to live your marriage with complete honesty.
Attitude: Make an effort this week to keep your attitude in check. Do not nag or criticize each other. Also, make a pact to keep each other accountable in steering your conversations away from berating other people, and replace it with praying for those who have hurt you.
Art Project Option: Take an old coffee can, mason jar, or something similar and wrap any type of paper around it that says, “Replace bad attitudes with prayers!” or simply "Prayers!” Each time you start to feel anger, resentment or other bad feelings for anyone, even a stranger, replace that bad attitude with a prayer for that person. Either write a specific prayer for the person or just their name and place it in the can, jar, or box. At the end of each week, pray again for that person. You will soon find your heart soften in ways you did not expect. Decorate it whichever way you would like: praying hands, hearts, scriptures, etc.
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