Week 11: Faithful & First

Fun Activity This Week:  Go to a farm!  Feed the animals, gather eggs, milk a cow, or do whatever sounds fun to you.  No farm in the area that allows visitors: Look at books about farms, go to a farmer’s market, or anything else you can think of that celebrates the life and hard work of farming!

 

Week 11:Faithful & First

 

Faithful:  There is so much to say on the subject of being a faithful partner that I could write a separate book on the subject.  So, bear with me, this will be the longest blog in this series, but consider it marriage-saving advice! You can always read some now and some later of you are too busy to read all at once.

Let me start with an easy issue.  Being faithful includes flirting only with your spouse. Flirting is not as innocent as some may think, it sends a message that you are finding the other person appealing. This is why I say this is an absolute no-no. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between being friendly and flirting. The problem is that so many times people assume you are flirting, even if you are just being friendly. Of course, do not stop being kind to people, but be careful not to cross a line.  In doubt, I ask my hubby. Mel is very handsome and has the most beautiful eyes, smile, and dimples. As soon as he flashes that illuminating grin, women swoon. I am not exaggerating. Even when I am right next to him, other women openly show an interest in him; wedding rings mean nothing to most people. I hate it so much that I could not possibly ever do that to Mel. That would be cruel, and my goal in life is always to do right by him, not to hurt him in any way.  Besides, I do not want to. I only have desire for my husband and have no interest in flirting with anyone other than Mel.

I try to avoid eye contact with men I do not know and limit it even with those I do know. If I think a man may be looking at me, I immediately look away; even if he is not, I do not want to give him any indication that I would ever do anything to dishonor my precious husband.  I want to honor Mel by my actions in every way and keep myself 100% pure for him. 

Flirting is never harmless and often leads to much more dangerous territory.  So please be aware of how you act around the opposite sex.  Are you simply friendly, or are you outright flirting?  Would you still act that way if your spouse were in the room?  By the way, the dictionary definition of flirting is, "to act amorously; play at love; to trifle or toy, as with an idea."  Says a lot doesn't it?  Says right there that it's “toy[ing] with an idea,” such as an affair.

Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; He who does so destroys his own soul. Proverbs 6:32.

There is NEVER any excuse for pornography. This includes not just movies and magazines, but smutty novels or even provocative clothing ads. This taints your sexual relationship and is absolutely considered being unfaithful.  Remember this verse from a last week, Matthew 5:28, "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." 

Exodus 20:14 states, “You shall not commit adultery."  Also do not even consider being with someone else as Exodus 20:17 says, “You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.”  Could it be any clearer?   

Affairs are not glamorous, sexy, exciting, fun, funny, or romantic.  They are raunchy, soul-destroying, family-ruining, nasty, evil things.

I have known too many people who have had affairs, and I have heard far too many excuses.  Here are just a few: mid-life crisis, I was hurt as a child, he/she cheated on me first, he/she is too controlling, we had a fight, I was lonely, I have a deeper desire for sex than he/she does, I no longer desire him/her, I want to teach him/her a lesson, men in The Bible were allowed to have more than one wife, it makes me feel sexy, or just because I want to.  There is no such thing as a good excuse because there is never any good reason to have an affair.  All of these issues are fixable if you are willing to do the work rather than seeking revenge through sex with another person.  There is no shame in seeking professional help.  If you truly love your spouse, you will risk the awkwardness of talking to your spouse, a spiritual mentor, or psychologist in order to save your marriage before an affair happens.  Afterwards it may be too late.

If you truly love your spouse as I so crazily love mine, you would never even dream of cheating.  The idea would make you want to vomit.  Affairs make me sick!  Bottom line to me is that if you are willing to cheat, you do not truly love your spouse.  In my opinion, those who cheat are clearly showing they are not in love with their mate.  But even if you believe the love is no longer there, that is still no excuse to dishonor your wedding vows.  After all, you chose to get married, and you can always rekindle the love if you are willing.

A note to any unmarried people reading this: Keep this in mind if you choose to be the one cheating with a married person, he/she does not love you.  Even if he/she leaves the spouse for you, statistics say he/she will not be faithful to you either.  If he/she is willing to trade the spouse in for a younger or better-looking person, he/she will most likely trade you in as well.

Affairs ruin more than marriages; they destroy families.  I have it seen repeatedly: a once bright and sunny child becomes sullen and possibly even a troublemaker after such an event. It makes them see everyone around them as untrustworthy.  Children are affected no matter what age they are when they learn of a parent's infidelity.  I have known adults whose parents got divorced due to an affair (or two), and it deeply wounded them to their very souls.  Devastated by her mother cheating on her father, a twenty-four year-old woman almost committed suicide.  She would have succeeded had not a friend discovered her in the midst of trying to end her own life.  Another woman was terrified of marriage because she was afraid there was no such thing as true love if those who claimed to be in love were willing to betray a spouse in such a horrible fashion.  She shied away from even getting a crush on a man because of her trust issues.  She pushed away anyone who tried to get close and stayed single more than half her life.

If you are in the middle of an affair, stop!  Seek help immediately.  You may or may not be able to save your marriage, but if you repent, you will save your soul.

Whether you are married or single, if you are ever tempted to have an affair, please remember this: No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10:13  There is always a way out and the opportunity to walk away.  There are no excuses.   

To keep you from the evil woman, from the flattering tongue of a seductress. Do not lust after her beauty in your heart, nor let her allure you with her eyelids. For by means of a harlot a man is reduced to a crust of bread; and an adulteress will prey upon his precious life. Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?  Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent.  Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; He who does so destroys his own soul. Wounds and dishonor he will get, and his reproach will not be wiped away.  Proverbs 6:24-29 & 32-33

One way to affair-proof your marriage is for you and your spouse to be accountable to each other.  It is healthy in a marriage to have no fear of knowing where your spouse is at all times.  In other words, Mel should never have to worry about what I am doing when we are apart.  He should always trust that I am being faithful and that I would never, in all eternity, do something that would dishonor him in any way.  This includes my time on the phone and computer.  If you feel your spouse is being too nosy when he/she wants to know your plans, it is probably because you have a guilty conscience.  Quite truthfully, everyone I have known that complained they thought their mate or boy/girlfriend was too controlling were people that were indeed sneaking around.

Affairs are not only physical; they can also be mental and emotional. Although seemingly not as dangerous, be warned that they have great potential to lead down darker paths.  Chatting too much with someone other than your spouse on line or through texts is still cheating.  Yes, affairs happen in the mind as well.  Again, remember Matthew 5:28.

I know many people are on some form of social media and spend hours communicating with those of the opposite sex; this includes texting as well.  They do this apart from their spouse and sometimes even in secret.  This may start innocent enough, but it is proven to be dangerous ground where affairs start (this is not just my opinion, but fact).  We have both known people who continually talk with someone they are not married to rather than going to their spouse.  If your spouse really is not available, find a relative and/or someone of the same sex to whom you can talk.  If there is no one, then keep a journal and write things down.  However, you should make your spouse your number one source of communication.  If others feel left out, that is okay.  When you are married, your spouse should be your focus and all others can wait.  Your marriage is the most important relationship in your life.  

Mel and I always allow the other to see what we texted as well as all e-mails, Facebook PMs, etc.  If there is something you do not want him/her to see, then you need some serious help in your marriage.  You should also have each other’s passwords to all e-mail and social media accounts.  I am not telling you to be a spy, but just know if your partner chooses to read your e-mail, you have nothing of which to be ashamed! (Or just have joint accounts as we do.)  If you have to hurt feelings by ending Facebook or texting relationships, then so what.  If it is more important to you to hold onto another person and you cannot stand the thought of only talking to him/her in the presence of your spouse, this is a very dangerous sign.  Afterall, whom did you choose to marry and say sacred vows to before God? 

 

First:  When you place God first, your spouse second, and all others last, your marriage will naturally be joyful. 

As a childless woman, I am not qualified at giving advice on how best to balance married life while trying to take care of one or many children.  What I have learned is by reading books on marriage, by observation of married couples with children, and by simply talking with friends that have children.  What I can tell you is that your spouse should always come first.  Always make him/her a priority even over your children.  The secular world will tell you I am wrong, and they will place driving the kids to fifty activities over having a romantic dinner with their spouse.  When you spend more time catering to the kids (in this I mean driving them to a thousand different locations) and not saying no to them, it gives a clear message that the kids are in charge.  The truth is that kids are proven to be happier when the pressure is removed from them participate in less activities and just focus on being a kid.  Limit driving your children to two to three activities a week (total, not per child) or at the most once a day, not all day long. There is nothing wrong with carpool, letting the older kids drive, tutors, housekeepers, babysitters, or cutting down on the children’s activities.  I have known many couples that schedule a date night once a week or once a month and those are the happier marriages.  They are more united as a team when it comes to raising their children, and their children are more stable and happier for it.  Those that let their kids rule their lives are the ones that often end in divorce and/or their children can see a weakness in the marriage and will take full advantage of it.   I am certainly not suggesting neglecting your children; they need nurturing and love every bit as much as you do.  In fact, I highly support family time such a devotionals, playing games, family outings, etc.  However, a healthy marriage where the parents are so united nothing will ever tear them apart will lead to happier, more secure, and more successful children, end up with happy marriages of their own, and are less likely to get into trouble.  The more generous you are spending time alone with your spouse, the happier your whole family will be. Note: When the children are babies you will inevitably neglect each other to care for the little one’s many needs, but still take the time out to assure each other of your love.  Sex and intimate time may be shortened when the baby keeps you awake and exhausted, but even quick sessions or just snuggling are bonding moments.  Take advantage of nap times and use babysitters as the child gets older, even if only for a few hours.

Marriages do not just suffer when there are children demanding time, they suffer when jobs interfere.  If your wife wants to spend a romantic night snuggling (or more) on the couch, please do not brush her off for work, mandatory or not.  I know there are some jobs that demand an awful lot of time, and job security is important in order to keep a roof over your head.  With that said, money will not buy love or a happy marriage.  Buying a house or vehicle you have both always wanted will not make your spouse love you more.  If you really have an itch to spend money, go on a romantic getaway.  Spend long nights gazing into each other’s eyes on the beach or kissing in a hot tub in the mountains.  Those types of memories build lasting relationships, not long hours at work trying to get a promotion.  It is better to be generous with your time with your spouse and be stingy with your boss.  What good will recognition from your coworkers or boss do for you if your spouse walks out the door because he/she feels neglected?   

I am certainly not a perfect wife, but I can say with full conviction that no one will ever accuse me of placing my housework above spending time with Mel.  Yes, that means I also have never been accused of being a neat freak - LOL!  Yet, I have known many women that truly believe cleanliness is next to Godliness.  That phrase is not even in The Bible, and yet far too many people spend more time making sure their home is spotless rather than sitting down and having a long chat with their spouse over a cup of coffee each day.  Reading a book together, playing a game, or taking a walk is much better than making sure every dust bunny has been evicted from your home. 

The only thing you should place before your mate is your walk with the Lord.  I really want to stress the importance of putting your mate before everything except God.  And by “everything,” that is exactly what I mean: children, other people, work, hobbies, etc.  Let not money, fame, pride, power, nor any material thing ever be worth more than the love between you and your spouse.   

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

 

Faithful:  Use this week to evaluate all the relationships you have with people of the opposite sex.  Is there anyone you are placing above your mate?  Are there any friendships you feel guilty about and/or try to keep secret?  Let these people go!  If you work with one of these people and cannot change shifts or quit your job, then at least back off and be less friendly; make certain you are never alone with him/her.   

This is also a good week to put being accountable into practice.  Share passwords with one another and do not erase any texts, e-mails, or social media conversations unless your spouse does not care if he/she sees every message between you and your friends of the same sex.  But make sure you have that agreement before you hit “delete.”  It is best to share one account for all electronic communication, so consider merging all your sources.     

 

First:  Are you placing anything over spending time with your spouse?  Work, sports, hobbies, other people?  Experiment for at least one week by saying, “no” to all of these things and giving your extra time to your soul mate.  You will be surprised at how much closer you feel to your partner after you make an active decision to put him/her first.

Art Project Idea:  To show your mate how important your life with him/her is, and that he/she takes first place in your life, make a little booklet that celebrates all your firsts together.  Make it the same way you made the book in week 1.  The cover for this one can say something such as, “You are my #1 priority, and I love remembering the first time we…”  On each page you can fill in the blank such as: met, had our first date, kissed, said I love you, made love, etc.  You can draw pictures on the pages, use stickers, or just use words.  If you have any photos of these events, you can use them as well and even add a little memento if you so choose.  You can also make this a dual IOU coupon book by adding a gift certificate to recreate all your firsts.  Such as an IOU to return to the first place you ate together, or where you had your honeymoon.  If money is tight, these gift certificates can be non-expiring to give you time to save up for a hotel or a trip.