Week 13: Generous & Gracious

Fun Activity This Week:  Play any kind of indoor and/or outdoor game.  If you both have a different favorite, then play both.  Computer games are fine too as long as you play together!  And whether you win or lose, remember to be sportsmanlike!

 

Week 13: Generous & Gracious

 

Generous:  Be generous not only with your time, but with yourself as well.  Give your spouse the first pickings, not the leftovers.  In addition, as a couple, it is good to be generous and giving to others in need. 

My husband and I are firm believers in being generous.  Even when we are financially struggling ourselves, we can still find a way to help with our time or other resources. Yet, when it comes to being generous, it is very true that "Charity Begins at Home," or for the sake of this blog, "Generosity Begins at Home."  In other words, as I stated two weeks ago, take care of each other first and make everyone and everything second.

Being generous is more than just giving money or material items, especially when it comes to marriage.  Generosity involves giving of yourself.  This includes, but is not limited to time, listening, and romantic time.

  

Love suffers long and is kind... does not seek its own.  I Corinthians 13:4-5

Being generous with your spouse is, very simply put, an act of kindness.  When you place working extra hours, driving the kids to a thousand different places, making sure the house is in perfect order, or spending time with friends over spending time with your mate, you are sending a very clear message that he/she is not that important to you.  You are making your marriage a bottom priority and that is treading on dangerous ground.

 

The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered himself. Proverbs 11:25

 

Being generous goes beyond giving of time, it also means being generous with your ears.  My husband has always been a good listener.  He even asks questions when he does not understand something, and he can quote facts back to me months and years later.  When your wife wants to tell you a long, boring story about how she obtained and cared for a sick cat, do your very best to listen.  She is telling you these things because she loves you, trusts you, sees you as her best friend, and wants you to know every little detail about her life.  This also means she feels the same about you.  She wants to know about every job you have ever held and what you did there, about your childhood, about the sports you like, but probably only minimal information about past relationships (just being honest).  

It is a myth that men do not care about what their wives have to say or that women only want to talk about girly things.  Most people are not so shallow and when you truly love someone, you find everything they want to share with you fascinating and only want to know more.  If your spouse is not willing to spend at least an hour a day (at the very, very least) chatting with you, you need to fix that ASAP.  A big part of marriage is simply spending time together talking and creating that sense of security and bonding on an emotional level.  Marriages that do not have as such tend to end in affairs because one or the other will crave someone to listen to them and make them feel special and validated.  If this is unfamiliar territory, start small, and with easy topics.  You can even buy cards that give you topics to discuss with your spouse (or read the  list of questions I have posted on this blog called "Conversations of Love").  Be generous with your ears now and you may very likely prevent a disastrous future.

And of course, everyone has heard the term "generous lover.”  More than eleven years into our marriage and our sex life has never diminished, so this has never been an issue with us, but for a lot of couples one wants sex more often than the other does.  There is such a thing as compromise.  Set a specified number of days a week aside for romance and do not break your appointments.  If this is an area in your marriage in need of help, do not be afraid to seek outside assistance.  Be respectful of one another and not demanding of your wants but remember to be generous with your body.  If you are not, and there certainly is NEVER a good excuse for an affair, he/she just may find someone else who will give him/her the time of day if you will not.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I Corinthians 7:3-5

Gracious:  Just as I mentioned under the letter "A" that apologizing is essential to a healthy marriage, equally important is being gracious enough to accept an apology from your mate.  II Corinthians 13:5 reminds that love “keeps no record of wrongs” (NIV).  

Being gracious with your spouse can include things such as how you handle an argument.  Proverbs 19:11 says, “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression” (see also Proverbs 15:18 & 16:32).  Take time to cool down and think rationally before you respond.  Be quick to forgive just as you would wish him/her to forgive you.  

Being gracious also includes the way you treat your spouse.  Do not find fault in every little thing he/she does.  Do not be petty.  Learn to let the small things go.  In the grand scheme of things, focus on what really matters.  Squeezing the toothpaste tube in what you consider the wrong place is not a big deal when you hone in on the fact that your honey loves you.  

As I have mentioned before, Mel and I rarely argue.  In the almost twelve years we have been married we have had maybe half a dozen major fights.  I have read that most couples horribly fight during their first one to two years as they learn to adjust to married life together.  If they do not take this trial period as a learning experience, they may never to learn to compromise or forgive; this may become dangerous pattern that may never change as long as they are married. Of course, I am not saying Mel and I are perfect, but our relationship has been special and unique since day one.  Our shouting arguments have been very few and the majority of our disagreements are minor.  If a major fight, we step away and cool down. The time it takes for apologizes is usually within an hour or two, no matter how angry we had been, and then a gracious acceptance of forgiveness on both sides. 

With that said, I do not write this  on a self-righteous or judgmental level.  Therefore, I  humbly write this particular week based on mistakes I have made and will try never to repeat.  Here are some tips on how to practice a gracious attitude when involved in a fight with your spouse.

The worst thing you can do is to threaten divorce and/or remove your wedding ring.  This is such a devastating and hurtful thing to do to your spouse.  You know in your heart of hearts that you do not want to truly be separated from the love of your life.  Do not attempt to make a devasting permanent choice due to a temporary argument.

 

“For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the Lord of hosts.  Malachi 2:16

 

This is another thing I think is an important issue to bring up when in the heat of battle: admit to what you are really feeling.  I know it is not easy to make yourself vulnerable and admit when you are afraid, but let's face it, in the long run, admitting to fear instead of lashing out in anger will save a lot of hard feelings later on.  

And this, of course, leads to being always being honest.  This may be scary sometimes, but if you cannot be honest with your spouse about everything, you are going to have a rocky marriage.  Make up your mind from day one always to be honest even if you think the truth will hurt.  Trust me, lies hurt so much worse.

 

Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.  Psalm 34:13

 

Always apologize.  Kiss and make up and ask for forgiveness.  Be sincere in your apology and accept an apology.  

I know there are many other issues I could mention, but I will leave it at one last thing: do not ever accuse your spouse of something you know is not true just to avoid the real issue or to take the heat off your mistake.  

So He said to them, “Do not intimidate anyone or accuse falsely."  Luke 3:14

 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:

 

Generous:  Do not be stingy with your time this week.  Just as you did for the word “first,” say no to obligations that take you away from your spouse.  Be generous with your time, your listening skills, and with romantic time.  If you need to create a schedule for intimate time, have fun with it.  Draw big hearts or happy faces (or use stickers) on the calendar in your bedroom or draw a provocative picture the morning of your tryst and place it in on your lover’s pillow as a reminder for what is to come (or draw it on the mirror with dry erase marker that easily wipes off with a paper towel).

 

Gracious:  Is there anything you are refusing to forgive?  Any old (or even recent) grudges you are festering?  Pray and ask God this week to help you let go of these issues.  Talk things out as needed, there may even be a misunderstanding that can clear up hurt feelings.  If something serious has occurred such as an affair, and you wish to save your marriage, please seek counseling to help you let go of the past. 

Art Project Idea:  Who is more gracious than the Lord?  No one!  Write or print off the words to Numbers 6:24-26, "The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace."  There are several options on how you can use this verse.  Draw a picture of your spouse (or of the two of you together if you so choose), with a bright sun shining on him/her (to represent God’s face shining on your loved one) and use these verses as a header for the artwork.  You could also use a photograph (or multiple photos) and create a scrapbook-type page using bright colors and these verses.  Or you could simply write or computer print the words without a drawing or photos.  Whatever you choose, frame it so you can remember to pray for blessings and peace for your honey and follow God’s example and be gracious to your spouse.