Fun Activity This Week: Plant an indoor and/or outdoor garden, or volunteer at a community garden. If this is the wrong time of year, you cannot afford a garden, you do not have the space for it, or you simply are not interested, buy fresh fruits, veggies, and/or herbs from the store and make a special dish with them just to see how much better fresh tastes than canned or dried.
Week 14: Grip & Growth
Grip: Be careful not to have too tight a grip on your spouse, or it could cause problems.
Except for the times when I have a job, Mel and I are together twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. This is our choice, and we would not have it any other way. We give each other the freedom to be apart; we simply do not like to be so. We miss each other even if it is only for an hour (or less). However, I would never stand in the way of his alone time. Due to a medical condition that makes it increasingly difficult to go for walks, I am not always able to join my husband. When I am unable, Mel and one of our dogs take walks without me, and I fully encourage this.
The first two years we lived in Idaho, one of Mel’s friends worked a hectic schedule and on his days off he wanted to spend time with his family (which he should). Therefore, when he was available, it was generally at the last minute. Sometimes we used to get together as a couple or with their children, but usually it was just the two men. I will admit it could be frustrating when our plans were interrupted without notice, but I never made Mel feel guilty for spending time with his friend. I would never think of tightening my grip by demanding he stay home.
Of course, there is a healthy balance to be realized here. As I have mentioned before, your marriage partner always comes before anyone and anything else, so be certain your mate gets the biggest portion of your free time.
Mel says he never feels trapped with me and loves our time together. Yet, I also know most people need time away from their spouse (including my very social husband) no matter how much they love each other. Most people need fellowship. Mel needs it more than I do, as I have always been a homebody. Around eleven years ago, Mel went fishing with a group of men from the church and they all had a wonderful time of Christian fellowship. When he came home, his eyes were glowing because he needed that time of refreshing. He had a wonderful time and it made me happy to see him so elated! I even pray for Mel to find new Godly friends in our town with whom he can associate.
Some people need friendships and others need that and/or sports, or clubs, or whatever. Unless your mate neglects you so he/she can play, do not nag about a hobby he/she loves. Don’t you want to loosen your grip so your honey can be fulfilled and happy? Again, I realize there is a balance and I believe family always comes first, but please budget in time for your spouse to have fun. If you get lonely, use that time to be with your own friends or find your own hobby. When Mel is out, I use that time to read, write, cross-stitch, do something else artsy, work on word puzzles, bake, or do something less exciting like catch up on housework.
Loving your partner means giving him/her room to be happy away from you. I am so addicted to Mel that it is difficult to spend time away from him, but I would never, as I have seen some wives do, call him three times an hour to find out when he is coming home, or expect him to run errands for me while he is having fun with his buddies. I like to know where he is going and when he will be home (I believe spouses need to be accountable to each other and let each other be fully aware of all plans), and I only call him if he is late, and I worry that he is safe. I never tighten my grip by telling him he must drop everything and come home. Nor do I put any kind of time limit when he talks to his friends on the phone.
I also need to mention that we NEVER take advantage of our time away from each other by using that time to do something you would not normally do in from if your spouse. This is NOT giving your partner permission to cheat or for you to find an excuse to cheat (this includes flirting and watching filthy movies). Don't have two personalities, one with your mate and one with your buddies. No one wants to be married to a hypocrite or phony. Be true to yourself and your convictions because even if your spouse cannot see you, Jesus always sees you, and He WILL hold you responsible for all your actions!
And you know what, the more freedom you give, the more your lover will want to be with you. The more you nag, or make each other feel guilty, the more he/she will want to get away or resent you for expecting him/her to stay home all the time. This perception became very apparent to me after just a few months of marriage, so trust me on this one! Ever hold a dog or cat? The tighter the hold, the more he wants to get away from you. But loosen your grip, and he will relax and want to stay in your arms forever. Same concept here. Give your mate someone he/she wants to come home to, and your honey will miss you (even when having fun) as much as you miss him/her!
Growth: As soon as Mel and I became engaged, I started reading marriage books written by well-known marriage experts. However, I kept reading some very negative “facts.” Several of these authorities on successful marriages were very discouraging. I remember feeling a sense of foreboding when reading some of these books. The common thread was that the romantic love would change, and I would settle into marriage loving my husband, but not necessarily still in love. And certainly not madly in love even six months later, and definitely not after a year. It was very disheartening believing that my wonderful love story was going to go downhill sometime shortly after our honeymoon. There were sure to be fights, lots and lots of fights as we learned to adjust to living together. We would soon grow bored with each other as the novelty of seeing each other every day would wear off quickly. We would want to spend time apart more and more often and seek out individual hobbies. Even the fire would sizzle in the bedroom. I may even become tempted to cheat. In other words, do not bother to hope for love to grow or flourish past the six-month mark of marriage.
After I read these books, I went to my then-fiancé and told him what I had read. Mel assured me this would not happen if you married the right person – the one God intends for you to marry – your perfect match and soul mate. When you marry for no other reason than love, you can guarantee your love will grow.
Well, I am here to tell you, Mel was absolutely right, and those supposed experts were wrong! My life with Mel has only gotten more and more romantic and passionate and our bond has only grown stronger. We rarely ever fight and even when we do, we are very good at communicating and working things out. We become more addicted to one another and fall deeper in love. We are still as inseparable now as we were more almost twelve years ago. I have never once stopped loving my precious husband and I never cease admiring his handsome face. I feel more blessed every day.
It was reading those books (and viewing Facebook pages of other experts) that inspired me to write my own blog to encourage people that marriage can be wonderful, romantic, and blissful no matter how long you are married. There does not ever have to be an end to feelings you experience when you are courting and falling in love. It simply evolves to a higher level, not decreases to a lower one.
In 2013, my supervisor wanted me to take on extra hours, but I told her I would have to check with my husband before taking on any more shifts at work. I told her that we always talk things over before making decisions. She said, in a very condescending tone, “That will change.” Usually, I believe in respecting my superiors, but this angered me, so I quickly shot back, “No, it will not. My husband and I are partners, and we discuss everything. That will not change.” Of course, I did not get a reply.
So, in other words, please do not listen to the negative opinions of others who say marriage will change and even imply you will cease respecting each other’s opinions. There is absolutely no reason for your love to shrink, and when you practice the principles of The Bible, your love will always grow.
Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:
Grip: Are you giving your mate enough freedom to have fun without you, or is your grip so tight he/she wants to get away from you? If your spouse has a hobby you do not enjoy, show your support by buying an inexpensive gift that represents that interest. Golf balls for golf, sewing supplies for a quilting retreat, etc. Show you do not resent outside appropriate friendships by showing an interest in all time spent with friends. You could even make lunch for an outdoor event, or snacks for an indoor event.
Growth: Does your marriage feel stagnant? Are you truly putting forth the effort or just going through the motions? This week find something the two of you can do together that will strengthen your bond. Find a fun activity to do that will spark old flames such as something you may have done while you were dating. For us, often just getting away from the house (such a s going to the park or to the ocean) and simply having a great conversation makes us feel more bonded.
Art Project Option: As a symbol of showing your spouse you are willing to put the time and effort into your marriage to assure growth, create a pot of flowers. You can simply buy a potted plant (ones that will last a long time) or create a beautiful bouquet that will never die. Depending on your budget and creative skills, you could buy silk flowers and arrange them yourself, or create ones out of yarn, or even multi-colored and multi-patterned paper (it does not have to be 3-D). You could use pipe cleaners, yarn, or paper for the stems. If you like to draw, you could color or paint a beautiful bouquet and frame it. You can write on the flowers or the pot words that express your commitment. For example, you could write things such as, “love, romance, commitment, fun,” or “togetherness,” or a phrase such as, “Our love grows more beautiful with every passing day.”
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