Week 15: Healing & Helpful

Fun Activity This Week: Help out at a charity, such as Habitat for Humanity (or any other you so choose). This does not have to include money, but preferably your time.

Week 15: Healing & Helpful

Healing:  I have heard experts say we are not to be our spouse's therapist.  I disagree.  The very first person your spouse should be able to come to when he/she needs help, be it physically or emotionally, is you.  If your spouse feels he/she cannot come to you when he/she needs help, there may be trust issues in your marriage.  I fully believe that God, of course, is our number one source of healing and help, but our spouse should absolutely be number two.  The only person I want to talk to is Mel because Mel is my best friend, and he is the only one I trust with my all my needs.  He is the only one who makes me feel safe with my emotions.

Obviously, some things require a physician or even a psychologist.  There is no shame in seeking outside help when the need arises.  I am saying, however, that our first instinct when we are sad should not be to run to an outside source for healing, but into our spouse's arms. Moreover, we should be ready and willing to be his/her place of healing.  This does not require a degree; it requires love, compassion, and two listening ears.  It requires praying for each other every day. 

You can help if your spouse has physical needs as well.  My husband has a medical condition that causes him pain in his neck and shoulders.  One way I try to offer to be his healing place is to give him a massage.  If he has stomach issues, I will fix him some rice, oatmeal, tea, or grape juice.  If he has a cold, it is orange juice and chicken soup!  You get the idea.  I love taking care of him, not as a mother figure, but as a wife who is crazy in love with him and wants to see my husband feeling the best he can. 

Do not ever diminish what your spouse is feeling.  Do not ever call him/her a "big baby” because you handle physical or emotional pain differently.  Be each other’s caretaker and psychologist, and when he/she feels better, you can have some fun playing doctor in a whole new way!    

Make your home a place of healing and safety for your mate.  Make him/her want to come to you whether it is for a headache or heartache.  Do your very best to follow through and either get a Tylenol or give your shoulder to cry upon.

On the other side, it is also an act of love to allow yourself to be the vulnerable one and ask for your mate’s healing aid.  Do not believe the experts that say you will be a burden to your mate if you seek him/her for healing.  Afterall, Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

I John 4:18 states, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." First, God's perfect love is the best solution for casting out fear, which is what this particular verse is about. However, I want to explore perfect, healing love in marriage.

There are so many fears we face in life: death, divorce, financial trouble, wars, famine, etc., and our fears can often overwhelm us. When a very close family member died in 2012, the loss of her brought to the surface the reality of the possibility of losing my precious Mel. I kept having nightmares of being separated from him. I found myself begging God never to take Mel away from me. I know this is normal. What is also normal is that I tend to keep my feelings bottled inside. I have always been the strong one who suppresses tears and holds the other person's hand while they weep. When you are married, there comes a time to let go and know it is okay to crumble into your honey's arms. That does not make you weak. We are only weak when we do not share our feelings.

On the day before the funeral, at around 2:00 a.m., Mel and I found our emotions bubbling over. We had only been married for 5 months at the time and were still learning the balance of when to be strong and when to cry.  We had both been trying so hard to be strong for the other, but we finally let our emotions out and shared all we were feeling. Our perfect love for one another cast out our fears and we were able to honestly communicate and cry together. We felt better emotionally, and our bond grew even stronger. We were each other's healing strength.

You should let your spouse be your therapist. If you are afraid to lean on him/her and make yourself vulnerable, try it anyway. Most husbands want the opportunity to be your rock; they want to be strong for you. Men, most wives will not think less of you if you need to cry on her shoulder. She will be honored that you love and respect her so much you are willing to allow her to hold you up for a change. Any wife who is not willing to be there for her husband needs a serious attitude adjustment!

Mel is my rock and my spiritual leader, yet he is man enough to lean on me when he needs to, and I am willing to let go of past patterns of being an ice princess and open up and make myself vulnerable to my very trustworthy husband.  He melted the ice around my heart the day he smiled at me with beautiful dimples, gazed at me with amazing two-tone eyes, and said with the sweetest accent that he was in love with me!  Our perfect love casts out all my fears!

I want to encourage you to hold each other tight and talk about your fears. You will truly find that a "perfect” healing “love casts out fear." You will feel more bonded, and your fears will even diminish and possibly even disappear. Share your hearts, share your tears, and your love will grow even stronger as you become each other’s healer. You will never feel weak again as long as you trust, love, and lean on each other.

Helpful:  Being helpful can mean many things.  You can help your spouse by simply taking over what may be considered one of his/her chores.  Because I have a neurological condition that causes pain and weakness, Mel will offer to help with the work that strains my back such as vacuuming, putting away the dishes (or any task that requires me to stand on my toes to reach shelves, which can be a lot of help since I am only 5’), and is a big help at the laundrymat.  This is very helpful, and I greatly appreciate it.  Please make sure you thank each other for help, even for the small things.

Be helpful with your attitude as well.  As I mentioned in the above section, do not ever diminish what your spouse is feeling.  Be a cheerleader and encourage all he/she does.  Offer to help in any way you can and then follow through. 

Wives, we are called to be our husband's helper.  When you truly love your mate, it is not an obligation, but a huge privilege.  That does not mean husbands are excluded from being our helpers as well.  When we truly love someone, we do our best to make life easier for him or her.

And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."  Genesis 2:18

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Healing:  Make a genuine offer to be each other’s therapists this week.  Make an effort to spend uninterrupted time together so that you and your mate can get anything off your chests that need to be released. 

If your partner has a medical need that you cannot help, encourage a trip to the doctor and go along.  Sitting in on the appointment shows support and makes it easier for you to be able to help in your mate’s treatment plan.  Whether something simple like a cold, or more major, be your sweetie’s caretaker and help speed up the healing process.  

Art Project Option: Present a card to your partner.  On the outside draw a heart or make one out of any type of paper.  In the middle of the heart, draw a crack.  Now cover the crack with a real Band-Aid (or you can draw one).  On the inside of the card express how much you appreciate how he/she is your healer.  Be specific in recalling actual events where his/her love and support have helped you physically and/or mentally.  Alternatively, you could make the inside of the card an offer to be his/her healer. 

Helpful:  What can you do to unburden your mate this week?  Fill the car with gas and/or have it washed. Take over a household or yard chore he/she hates to do.  Watch the kids so she can take a nap or long bath, or he can slip out for coffee.   If you don’t have the time, or if you can afford to do so, you could even hire a maid, yard worker, dog walker, or buy dinner, etc.  The ideas are endless from simple to a little more complicated.  If you are on the receiving end, please remember to be gracious and say, “thank you.”  Do not criticize if he does not do a specific chore exactly as you would do, or she chooses a different gas station; just appreciate the effort!