Fun Activity This Week: Go through old photos and discuss what you know about family history. If you do not have any old photos, then just talk about your family. Go as far back in time as you can. The fun thing about this is that no matter how long you have been married, you are sure to learn new things about each other’s pasts and their family's history.
Week 30: One & Open
One: Being one means you are of one body, heart, and mind. You are still you, an individual, but more importantly, you are a we. You should make decisions together as a couple as much as possible. I lived alone for fourteen years before marrying Mel. When it came to making decisions, I was used to answering to no one or consulting anyone. Yet even before we were married, I was very glad to have another person to share my thoughts and opinions with and help me make important decisions and in turn help him when he needs advice. I am very happy I am no longer the "lone wolf" I once called myself. I am very proud to be one with my husband.
I want to focus this week on being of one mind.
The man said, “This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Genesis 2:23-24
I have heard or read the above scripture verse many times throughout my life, but the concept of being one never really sunk in until I became a wife. Before I was married, I could never have imagined what it truly felt like to be so linked to another person, you literally feel as one flesh. It is actually difficult to put precisely into words, but I will do my best. I am still amazed at how connected I feel to Mel. We finish each other’s' sentences, say the same phrases at the same time, think of the same random topics at the same time, crave the same foods at the same time, and when we play board games such as Scattergories we come up with the exact same obscure answers!
What is also funny is that when I talk about things I did before I met Mel, I will say, "When we were..." but I was just an "I" then! Mel is so much a part of me it seems as if he was in my life even before we knew the other existed! Mel does the same thing. He’ll talk about his home states of Missouri or Arkansas as if I had been there with him because it often seems strange that we were ever apart!
Mel and I have become so intertwined with each other that we can tell when the other is not feeling right without the other saying a word. If I ask, "Is everything okay? You don't quite seem yourself," before he says a word, and he says, "How can you tell?" I can say, "It's because I know you so well." It is also because I love him so much and am very in tuned to his every facial expression and tone of voice. It shows him how much I care about what he is feeling and if he wants to talk, it opens up a great dialog, which typically ends with prayer and Mel feeling better and he does the same for me. (This goes along with what I said last week.)
Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15
Another way being of one flesh can really benefit your marriage is that it almost completely obliterates selfishness. I wish I could be 100% selfless, but that would make me non-human! Being so bonded with Mel makes me care for his needs so far beyond my own. I feel his pain and joy. It means I will do everything in my power to make sure he is happy and put his needs far above my own.
If you feel this does not describe your marriage and you feel disconnected to him/her, chances are you are not spending enough time together. Sex in a marriage is the most pleasurable form of bonding and very fun and wonderful, but only takes half an hour or so out of a day and isn't typically every day. Continually talking and really getting to know each other is what helps you truly know how best to make him/her happiest. Going on walks, playing games (buying games at secondhand stores and yard sales is a super cheap way to add to your game collection), going for long drives, and Bible studies are just a few ways to spend time getting to know your spouse better. Dating does not end just because you got married. Marriage is having a permanent dating partner and having endless dates. It is choosing to give up being a single person to become two people, to become one flesh!
Open: Be open and honest with your spouse about everything. There should never be any secrets in your marriage. There is no such thing as being too open or honest. Mel and I are so very open with one another that we share everything, even the silly, insignificant details. Of course, no one shares literally every little thought that goes through his or her head. Sometimes it is better to keep thoughts of annoyance to yourself if it is not an issue worth discussing - something you know you will be over in an hour or two. However, letting your spouse know when he/she says something that hurts your feelings is a good idea since he/she is not always aware he/she has hurt you. Especially speak up if you know you will still be brooding over the issue a day or two later. It is better to make peace and clear the air. My husband lets me know when I am too sarcastic with my tone because I cannot hear it myself. It is a great way to improve on the way you treat your spouse when you are open about the way his/her words or actions affect you.
The only times secrets are acceptable are in areas of gifts or events. Even then, I am horrible about surprising Mel. I always give things away because I cannot wait to see him smile. Plus, he is very smart about figuring out clues. Otherwise, keeping things secret or doing things behind your partner’s back is the same as lying and is detrimental to your marriage. If you feel the need to cover something up, chances are, it is something you should not be doing.
Some people say it is okay to lie when trying to spare your mate's feelings. I still do not feel lying is a good idea. If you heard someone say a rude thing about your spouse and choose not to tell him because it will hurt his feelings, that is not helping him. I would want to know if someone was saying mean things about me so I could avoid that person. Also, I would rather have my husband tell me when I do something that upsets him, so I do not repeat my mistakes. In addition, knowing my spouse was lying to me to spare my feelings would be more offensive to me than the truth because I do not like being treated as if I am too weak to handle the truth.
Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds. Colossians 3:9
Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:
One: Are there any areas in your marriage where you could be more united? Perhaps you are spending too much time apart. Consider combining activities so you can see more of each other. Focus this week on thinking and acting not as separate entities, but as a bonded unit of one.
Art Project Option: To celebrate your oneness, create a jigsaw puzzle, for when you put the individual pieces together, they create one beautiful scene, just like you and your honey! Here’s how I made mine: I traced actual puzzle pieces from a kids’ puzzle with large pieces approximately two inches each. I traced the pieces of the still-put-together puzzle onto a piece of cardboard; each puzzle piece was outlined with a colorful marker so they would stand apart from one another. Here is what I wrote (also in marker), “Our marriage is like a jigsaw puzzle. Each piece is different and tells its own unique story – put all the pieces together, and a new picture is being formed every day! I love how the pieces of our lives are forever interlocked – creating our own beautiful masterpiece of oneness. Mel, you are the perfect piece my life had been missing – you complete me and now my life makes sense. Love, Julie.” I did not cut the pieces apart because it was temporarily on display on the dresser. However, feel free to cut it and present it to your mate as a fun gift to be put together (if your mate enjoys puzzles) and feel free to add artwork! Note: Cardboard does not cut smoothly so if you choose to cut it, keep in mind they do not go back together as a professional one would. However, if you want one that can be disassembled, you can buy blank puzzles specially made for creating your own design.
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