Fun Idea This Week: Try a new restaurant this week, even if just for dessert. If there are no restaurants in your area you have not tried, then try a new dish at your favorite place. If it is not in your budget, make a new recipe. The idea is to be brave and try something new together.
Week 35: Reality & Respect
Reality: Because I write that all marriages have the potential of being romantic and peaceful, it may seem that I live life in a bubble, but let me assure you, I do not. The purpose of my writings is to encourage all of you to strive for excellence in your marriage and not just to live life with your chosen one as a mere roommate or an obligation. I am well aware of the reality of what marriage is like on a day-to-day basis. I want to help you to see that you can have more gloriously happy days with the love of your life than dark depressing ones. When you place Jesus Christ at the center and are determined to make your marriage successful, you and your marriage will have more joy.
Here are some negative realities of marriage and what you can do to overcome these down times.
There are days when you will wonder why you chose to get married, and/or find yourself thinking life was better off when you were single. When these thoughts swim through your head like a frenzied shark, think back to those so-called glory days of being alone. Were you really happier? I know I was not. I spent many lonely days wishing and praying for a mate to share my life with and with whom I could have meaningful conversations. Whenever you feel you wish you could be single again, remind yourself of Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. (The “threefold cord” represents you, your spouse, and God.)
There will be days when know you still love your mate, but you just want some space. You do not feel like talking, you definitely do not feel like having sex, and you just want some time alone. There is nothing wrong with this perception as long as it is an occasional feeling and not reoccurring. There is also nothing wrong with seeking out a timeout for an hour or two. I know I tend to retreat into my own emotions and just want some time alone to think. Usually, a few hours are all I need to myself, and then I am ready to be reunited with my love. If you feel the need to retreat more than once or twice a month, you need to talk things out. One or both of you may need to schedule a “me” day once or twice a month, but try not to spend more than half the day separated as the purpose of marriage is to be together, not apart. And in today's age, I would never suggest anyone going off alone to a remote area. Go to a separate room in your home, your yard, or someplace safe. I am not trying to make anyone paranoid, but times are getting more dangerous even for adults, so use wisdom on where you go to be alone. And if you leave the house, always, always make sure someone knows where you are going and when to expect you back home. If you deviate from your plans, make sure to call or text with updates. Again, not trying to sound paranoid, but there are a lot of stories in the news of bad things happening to both men and women when they are alone, and keeping another person aware of their plans has often saved a life.
There are times you will feel distant from your mate and even wonder if you are still in love. The number one reason for a cold heart toward your mate is typically due to lack of time together. If your partner feels a stranger to you, then get to know him/her again. One of the problems in marriage is that once we are past the newlywed stage (sometimes even before), we quit dating and romancing one another. Instead, think of marriage as a perpetual date, even if you have kids. It has been difficult for Mel and me to go someplace special for a date for many years due to finances, but we can still bond at home by talking, walking, reading together, playing games, or by being intimate. Do not let lack of money be an excuse for lack of romance. You can still connect each day and assure you never find yourself wondering whom the person is sleeping next to you. If you still feel disconnected from your mate, then please talk it out and seek help if needed; do not go looking for a substitute in the form of an affair.
Some issues may arise after your marriage that you did not know about before you married. Perhaps your mate kept a secret from you about his/her past (or is even lying about the present) or perhaps your loved one has an addiction or physical/mental illness of which you were not aware. The possibilities are many. A common issue is that undesirable personality traits tend to arise that you turned a blind eye to when you were dating due to the rose-colored glasses you were wearing. Also, do not forget that while you were trying to woo your honey, you were probably on your best behavior and hid some of your less likable qualities as he/she did. This is a tricky area because if a secret has been kept from you until after you married in order to try to keep you from fleeing before you made your vows, then you may have a serious issue. However, if it is something that can be forgiven (even if it takes time to rebuild trust), do your very best to work things through and move on rather than giving up. Seek counseling if needed. If a negative personality issue you did not see coming is staring you in the face, then stop and consider if it is really such a big deal. Maybe he is more negative than you realized, or she has issues with bitterness, or you are now realizing he/she is a controlling bully or nag. These issues require discussions with your mate but can be resolved. Maybe, he/she is violent or is addicted to pornography or alcohol; these issues will require a professional but can be overcome with God’s help. I have said it before, and I do not condone illegal activity. If you discover your mate is physically or sexually abusing anyone (or starts abusing you), you do not have to stay with him/her. In fact, you need to report it to the authorities, especially in the case of sexual abuse.
The fact is that whatever reality check you find yourself facing that may have you second-guessing your marriage is usually fixable. Analyze why you are feeling the way you are (your spouse may not be the problem, and you may be the one that needs the attitude adjustment), talk things through with your mate, seek professional help if necessary, and above all, ask God for guidance.
Respect: Being single for three months short of forty years was somewhat to my advantage. I was able to observe many different marriages and see what worked and what did not. I was continually making mental notes on the kind of wife I did and did not want to be if God ever granted me the gift of a husband. And grant me He did, in the form of my wonderful and precious Mel! One of the negative issues I have observed then and now is the blatant disrespect of the one you took vows to honor and cherish.
The best way to maintain a healthy marriage is always to show respect. Correcting grammar, criticizing driving, telling each other what they can and cannot talk about are just a few examples. Did you marry a child or an adult? Are you a parent or a marriage partner? One of the many things I love about Mel is his intelligent mind, and to correct or criticize him would undermine his intelligence and hurt his self-esteem. As his wife, I want to hold him up and make him feel good about himself, not tear him down. Even the simple criticisms like grammar correction would make him (or anyone else) feel hurt and probably make him want to talk less.
Another important way to show your spouse respect is not to talk about each other behind their back. Whatever problems you may have, keep it between the two of you. Talk it out or get over it. Those are your only options if you want to honor his/her reputation. Proverbs 31:23 says that a virtuous woman's husband is known for his reputation, and this is most likely due to her speaking kindly about and highly of him. One bad word to one person can spread like wildfire and can easily be misconstrued. Just keep it between the two of you unless it is an issue so serious you need to seek counseling.
Just one more thing (as there are other past and future weeks in this series that address respect): What is with the "Honey Do" lists? I am not referring to one or two things to bring home for dinner, but a long list. I can understand a mother at home with kids does not want to drag everyone to the store for one or two items, especially if she has little ones in diapers. However, there are many wives with older kids not in diapers and/or have older ones that can watch the younger ones, or no kids at all, that expect their hard-working hubby to run errands for her after work or on his days off. Why not go together as a family or as a couple and make it fun? Grab dessert while you are out or make it a date night. That would make errand days so much more fun and go much quicker!
As I recently stated, treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. I know I want to be treated like a princess, and Mel treats me like a queen! Treat your husband like the king of your heart that he is!
I have quoted it before, so I will just list the references this time. See Ephesians 5:22-33 & I Peter 1:3-7 for more reading on this subject.
Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:
Reality: Are there any bleak realities of marriage causing you to second-guess your mate or your union? Please talk these issues over and clear the air. Be determined to make the reality of your marriage one of love and goodness, not doom and gloom!
Respect: Are you treating your spouse like your child or your personal assistant rather than your lover? Please remember your partner is your best friend and soul mate and treat each other with respect!
Art Project Option: One of the areas I struggle with in the area of showing Mel respect is with my sarcastic tongue. While this may not be an issue for you, you can still use this idea and choose your own words. Make a big red tongue (or even lips) out of cardboard (you can color it) or red paper. On the tongue I made, I wrote the words, “I promise to do my very best to use my tongue for good..., not for sarcasm. I want to uphold and respect you always.” If you do not have a problem controlling your tongue (issues could also include gossiping about your mate, sassing, criticizing, nagging, and swearing), you could use any item to represent the area you struggle with, maybe even create a large to-do list that itemizes only romantic and respectful “chores.” Or if you struggle with ogling people of the opposite sex, create an eyeball (or take a picture of your eyes and print it out) promising your eyes will only be for your mate. I think you get the idea! Be creative in your promise of treating your mate with respect!
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