Week 35 Art Project

 

On the back I wrote: “I promise to do my very best to use my tongue for good words..., not for sarcasm.  I want to uphold and respect you always.” 

Week 35: Reality & Respect

Fun Idea This Week:  Try a new restaurant this week, even if just for dessert.  If there are no restaurants in your area you have not tried, then try a new dish at your favorite place. If it is not in your budget, make a new recipe.  The idea is to be brave and try something new together.

Week 35: Reality & Respect

Reality:  Because I write that all marriages have the potential of being romantic and peaceful, it may seem that I live life in a bubble, but let me assure you, I do not.  The purpose of this site is to encourage all of you to strive for excellence in your marriage and not just to live life with your chosen one as a mere roommate or an obligation.  I am well aware of the reality of what marriage is like on a day-to-day basis.  I want to help you to see that you can have more gloriously happy days with the love of your life than dark depressing ones.  When you place Jesus Christ at the center and are determined to make your marriage successful, you and your marriage will have more joy.

Here are some negative realities of marriage and what you can do to overcome these down times.

There are days when you will wonder why you chose to get married, and/or find yourself thinking life was better off when you were single.  When these thoughts swim through your head like a frenzied shark, think back to those so-called glory days of being alone. Were you really happier?  I know I was not.  I spent many lonely days wishing and praying for a mate to share my life with and with whom I could have meaningful conversations.  Whenever you feel you wish you could be single again, remind yourself of Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.  (The “threefold cord” represents you, your spouse, and God.)

There will be days when know you still love your mate, but you just want some space.   You do not feel like talking, you definitely do not feel like having sex, and you just want some time alone.  There is nothing wrong with this perception as long as it is an occasional feeling and not reoccurring.  There is also nothing wrong with seeking out a timeout for an hour or two.  I know I tend to retreat into my own emotions and just want some time alone to think.  Usually, a few hours are all I need to myself, and then I am ready to be reunited with my love.  If you feel the need to retreat more than once or twice a month, you need to talk things out.  One or both of you may need to schedule a “me” day once a month but try not to spend more than half the day separated as the purpose of marriage is to be together, not apart.  And in today's age, I would never suggest anyone going off alone to a remote area. Go to a separate room in your home, your yard, or someplace safe. I am not trying to make anyone paranoid, but times are getting more dangerous, so use wisdom on where you go to be alone.

There are times you will feel distant from your mate and even wonder if you are still in love.  The number one reason for a cold heart toward your mate is typically due to lack of time together.  If your partner feels a stranger to you, then get to know him/her again.  One of the problems in marriage is that once we are past the newlywed stage (sometimes even before), we quit dating and romancing one another.  Instead, think of marriage as a perpetual date, even if you have kids.  It has been difficult for Mel and me to go on dates for many years due to finances, but we can still bond at home by talking, walking, reading together, playing games, or by being intimate.  Do not let lack of money be an excuse for lack of romance.  You can still connect each day and assure you never find yourself wondering whom the person is sleeping next to you.  If you still feel disconnected from your mate, then please talk it out and seek help if needed; do not go looking for a substitute in the form of an affair.  

Some issues may arise after your marriage that you did not know about before you married.  Perhaps your mate kept a secret from you about his/her past (or is even lying about the present) or perhaps your loved one has an addiction or physical/mental illness of which you were not aware.  The possibilities are many.  A common issue is that undesirable personality traits tend to arise that you turned a blind eye to when you were dating due to the rose-colored glasses you were wearing.  Also, do not forget that while you were trying to woo your honey, you were probably on your best behavior and hid some of your less likable qualities as he/she did.  This is a tricky area because if a secret has been kept from you until after you married in order to try to keep you from fleeing before you made your vows, then you may have a serious issue.  However, if it is something that can be forgiven (even if it takes time to rebuild trust), do your very best to work things through and move on rather than giving up.  Seek counseling if needed.  If a negative personality issue you did not see coming is staring you in the face, then stop and consider if it is really such a big deal.  Maybe he is more negative than you realized, or she has issues with bitterness, or you are now realizing he/she is a controlling bully or nag.  These issues require discussions with your mate but can be resolved.  Maybe, he/she is violent or is addicted to pornography or alcohol; these issues will require a professional but can be overcome with God’s help.     

The fact is that whatever reality check you find yourself facing that may have you second-guessing your marriage is usually fixable.  Analyze why you are feeling the way you are (your spouse may not be the problem, and you may be the one that needs the attitude adjustment), talk things through with your mate, seek professional help if necessary, and above all, ask God for guidance.  

Respect:  Being single for three months short of forty years was somewhat to my advantage.  I was able to observe many different marriages and see what worked and what did not.  I was continually making mental notes on the kind of wife I did and did not want to be if God ever granted me the gift of a husband.  And grant me He did, in the form of my wonderful and precious Mel!  One of the negative issues I have observed then and now is the blatant disrespect of the one you took vows to honor and cherish.

The best way to maintain a healthy marriage is always to show respect.   Correcting grammar, criticizing driving, telling each other what they can and cannot talk about are just a few examples.  Did you marry a child or an adult?  Are you a parent or a marriage partner?  One of the many things I love about Mel is his intelligent mind, and to correct or criticize him would undermine his intelligence and hurt his self-esteem.  As his wife, I want to hold him up and make him feel good about himself, not tear him down.  Even the simple criticisms like grammar correction would make him (or anyone else) feel hurt and probably make him want to talk less.  

Another important way to show your spouse respect is not to talk about each other behind his/her back.  Whatever problems you may have, keep it between the two of you.  Talk it out or get over it.  Those are your only options if you want to honor his/her reputation.  Proverbs 31:23 says that a virtuous woman's husband is known for his reputation, and this is most likely due to her speaking kindly about and highly of him.  One bad word to one person can spread like wildfire and can easily be misconstrued.  Just keep it between the two of you unless it is an issue so serious you need to seek counseling. 

Just one more thing (as there are other weeks in this series that address respect): What is with the "honey do" lists?  I am not referring to one or two things to bring home for dinner, but a long list.  I can understand a mother at home with kids does not want to drag everyone to the store for one or two items, especially if she has little ones in diapers.  However, there are many wives with older kids not in diapers and/or have older ones that can watch the younger ones, or no kids at all, that expect their hard-working hubby to run errands for her after work or on his days off.  Why not go together as a family or as a couple and make it fun?  Grab dessert while you are out or make it a date night.  That would make errand days so much more fun and go much quicker!  

As I recently stated, treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. I know I want to be treated like a princess, and Mel treats me like a queen!  Treat your husband like the king of your heart that he is! 

I have quoted it before, so I will just list the references this time. See Ephesians 5:22-33  & I Peter 1:3-7 for more reading on this subject.

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

Reality:  Are there any bleak realities of marriage causing you to second-guess your mate or our union?  Please talk these issues over and clear the air.  Be determined to make the reality of your marriage one of love and goodness, not doom and gloom!

Respect:  Are you treating your spouse like your child or your personal assistant rather than your lover?  Please remember your partner is your best friend and soul mate and treat each other with respect!

Art Project Option: One of the areas I struggle with in the area of showing Mel respect is with my sarcastic tongue.  While this may not be an issue for you, you can still use this idea and choose your own words.  Make a big red tongue (or even lips) out of cardboard (you can color it) or red paper.  On the tongue I made, I wrote the words, “I promise to do my very best to use my tongue for good..., not for sarcasm.  I want to uphold and respect you always.”  If you do not have a problem controlling your tongue (issues could also include gossiping about your mate, sassing, criticizing, nagging, and swearing), you could use any item to represent the area you struggle with, maybe even create a large to-do list that itemizes only romantic and respectful “chores.”  Or if you struggle with ogling people of the opposite sex, create an eyeball (or take a picture of your eyes and print it out) promising your eyes will only be for your mate.  I think you get the idea!  Be creative in your promise of treating your mate with respect! 

Week 34 Short Video

 

Week 34 Art Project

 

 

As always, you can view the video that goes with this art project on the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/theabcsofajoyfulmarriage/ .

Week 34: Quiet & Quintessential

 

 

Fun Activity This Week:  Write quizzes for each other to see how well you know each other.  Be creative with your questions.  You can ask the basics such as questioning your partner to see if he/she knows what things are your favorites (etc.) but also ask things such as, “How do you think I would react to…”  Do not criticize wrong answers, but make this a time to discover or rediscover new facts about your loved one.   Find fun and romantic ways to reward correct answers. You can also quiz your mate about things you would like to know. Again, be creative and ask things such as, “What would you change about…” I have written a series of questions titled "Communications of Love," and I have posted some of them on the blog. You can search the blog if you would like to view those questions for examples.  

Week 34: Quiet & Quintessential

Quiet:  No matter how busy your schedules are, make sure you have quiet times in your marriage.  Take time to relax and enjoy one another's company.  Sometimes just having time for the two of you may be difficult if one or both of you work and especially if you have children.  Taking time out every day, even just to drink a cup of coffee together in the morning, is important.  Even if you have to schedule time together every day for a quiet moment with just the two of you, then write it in ink in your planners and stick to it.  I am not talking specifically about sex, although that is important too, I am talking about checking in with each other daily and making sure your mate is doing well spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  This is a great time to pray for one another before you head out the door and go your separate ways until dinnertime.  If you have any hard feelings, this is a good time to let things go.  Hug, kiss, and do not make your partner feel rushed and keep looking at the clock.  Set a timer if you need to but use the precious quiet times to focus just on each other, leaving work at work.

 

I want to hit on another topic that has to do with being quiet.  I am by nature a shy and quiet person.  When one on one with someone I have known for a while, I can open up and be chattier.  From day one, I never felt uncomfortable around Mel, which is one way I knew he was the perfect man for me.  Growing up, let me scratch that, my entire life (not just as a child) people have been offended when I am taciturn; they take it personally. I have been accused of being a snob, standoffish, anti-social, and rude.  It is not that I am any of those things, being shy is something I cannot control any more than I can suddenly quit being short and grow five inches.  My precious husband fully accepts this personality trait as the way God designed me; he sees it as an endearing feminine quality.  He never tells me to speak up or grow a backbone.  In fact, Mel specifically asked God for a shy wife and prefers my quiet personality.

Although with my soul mate, I am typically very verbal and not shy, I sometimes have quiet moods, and Mel accepts the days I am more pensive.  If your spouse had a quiet nature, please do not try to force him/her to participate in activities that make him/her uncomfortable.  On the other hand, if you are the quiet one, do not expect your mate to not be outgoing or tell him/her to be less talkative or less social.  Accept each other the way God created him/her to be.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)

Even if you are shy around others, with your mate, good communication skills are vital.  You see each other naked, so why should you feel embarrassed to share your heart.  Open up and let each other in; in areas of expressing emotion, do not be quiet.  If you truly cannot speak to your mate about what is important, then make up for it by writing letters.  Actions do sometimes speak louder than words, but never fail to say, “I love you,” at least once a day (Mel and I say it all day long, 365 days a year).  

Quintessential:  Be the quintessential mate for your lover.  In other words, be the person to whom you want to be married. If you cannot stand a nagging spouse, then do not be one.  If you do not like argumentative or negative personalities, then be peaceful and positive.  Too many times the things we criticize in others are reflections of our own bad attitudes.  I am guilty of this as well.  I do not like it when people are snippy to me, yet I struggle controlling a sarcastic tongue.

Think of it this way: before you got married, I am certain you had a list in your mind of your ideal mate.  I wrote my first list as a teenager.  Some of the things I told God I wanted were a man that he was strongly devoted to Him and firmly ground in faith and a man that would help me grow in my walk with the Lord.  He must love animals and children, he would be compassionate and selfless, romantic, be a good listener, he should be intelligent yet humble, have a goofy sense of humor, love nature and being outdoors, be positive but a realist, be creative, he will love me for me, and encourage my talents.  It is amazing how well Mel fits the lists I wrote of my ideal man!  It is my duty to also reflect this quintessential mate.  I should do my best to be all that I expect Mel to be.     

Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them.  Matthew 7:12

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

Quiet: Have some down time just to be quiet together.  If needed, get up early or stay up later to do accomplish this.  If you need a nice long weekend alone, send off the kids to a babysitter or a friend’s house, and turn off all electronic devices.

Quintessential:  In addition to trying to reflect the “Golden Rule” (Matthew 7:12 above) this week, show your mate that he/she is your quintessential match.   

    During the first week Mel and I were dating (I think it was our third date), I was not bold enough yet to tell him how I felt.  However, when we were having brunch together and ordering coffee, I made the comment, “I like my coffee like I like my man, strong but sweet.”  Because I was not brave enough yet to blurt out that this was the way I saw him, I sheepishly elbowed him as if to say, This describes you!  He got the hint and grinned.  It is something we still joke about.

Art Project Idea: Create a large coffee mug out of cardboard.  You can make it 2-D or 3-D and it does not have to be cardboard, but could be of any material you wish, but if you want to display it, cardboard works best.  Color your mug in your honey’s favorite color (or you could use decorative paper and glue it on).  In the middle of the mug, draw a big heart that says something such as, “I like my coffee (or tea) like I like my man (or woman)...”  Fill in your own blank at the end for however you feel about your hot beverages and your mate!  (My former physical therapist said she likes her men and coffee tall and blonde.)  If you would like, you can write on the back of the mug, "Just like coffee and tea – only much, much better..." and fill in your own descriptions.

If you would like, include an invitation (or an IOU) to coffee and dessert out at a coffee house or restaurant.

P.S.  If you can afford it, you can always have your words stating how you see your mate similar to your favorite way to drink coffee or tea, professionally printed onto a real mug.  If you do, make certain you each have a mug for your quiet coffee times together.

Week 33 Short Video

 

This week's short video won't load to Blogger, but you can view it on the Facebook page: 

https://www.facebook.com/theabcsofajoyfulmarriage/

Week 33 Art Project

 

As always, you can view the video that goes with this art project on the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/theabcsofajoyfulmarriage/ . 

Week 33: eQual & Queen

 

Fun Activity This Week: Snuggle up under a quilt in front of the fire.  Fire optional (especially since I'm posting this in August - LOL!).

Week 33: eQual & Queen

eQual:  The main thing I hear from the experts that frustrates me is the misconception that marriage is difficult.  Marriage is only a struggle if you marry the wrong person, and even then, marriages can be redeemed and become much easier when you follow Biblical principles.  That is when both parties are willing; otherwise, sadly, marriage may never be easy for them.  

 

The other theme that really bothers me is that marriage is a competition.  Although I fully believe the husband is to be the head of the home, we are to treat each other as equal partners.  

Spouses will find simple things to compete over such as salary or who works harder.  However, as long as both are contributing either financially and/or by working within the home, why should it matter who makes what?  Although I have worked several jobs since becoming a wife in 2012, for the majority of our marriage, our only income has come from Mel, and I often feel guilt for that.  However, Mel very lovingly tells me that all money is our money, no matter what the source.  Before he knew me, Mel worked with a man who made $13.00 an hour, while his wife made six figures a year.  The woman horribly berated the man and told him he was pathetic so much so that he used to cry on Mel's shoulder and ask for prayer.  The last time Mel saw this man, there were serious talks of ending the relationship.  No one wants to be ridiculed in such as way.  As long as one is making a genuine effort to contribute, whether it is through earning money or taking care of the house and/or children, then that should be enough.  Of course, there are legitimate deadbeats who want to stay at home and not work at all while their spouse works a very demanding job.  Those are issues that need some help, but I am not talking of those situations.

Even something simple like playing a game can turn into such fierce competition that it can harm a marriage.  Mel and I love playing board games. When we play, we do not take any pleasure if the other is doing poorly, nor do we gloat.  In fact, we try to help each other out and give points that should have been lost.  We say, "good job," and, "I'm proud of you," when the other is doing well.  The one who does not win does not pout, we say, "Congratulations" with a kiss and compliment the other's intelligence.  This is how all aspects of marriage should be.

There is nothing wrong with having a competitive edge when it comes to non-family members; healthy, good-natured, respectful competition can be a good thing.  However, we should never be unsportsmanlike around our spouse.  If you have kids, the way the two of you play games together will either set a wonderful or horrible example of how they will treat you, each other, and their peers.  I knew a husband that was so competitive in all types of games that he became condescending to others playing and even cheated.  In turn, he taught his children to pout when they lost, gloat when they won, and they also frequently cheated. It is more important to have fun and spend time together than it is to win.  I love that I married such an intelligent man, and it does not bother me that he usually wins games.  This is not just because I love him, but also because he has such a humble attitude.  If he made me feel stupid, cheated, played sneaky, or gloated when he won, we would be finding other things to do instead!  Thank God, He gave me a gracious man because playing games every week really adds to our bonding time.  

Genesis 2:24 says we become one with our mate when we marry.  This means that you work together as equals.  We should be working together and help when needed.  Marriage is a partnership, not a competition, so please keep that in mind no matter if it is something simple like playing a game or more serious such as who makes the most money.  Encourage, help, uplift, and praise one another, no matter what that situation and you will have a much more peaceful and fun life together!  

Queen:  Husbands, treat your wives like a queen.  Spoil her (no money required) and make her feel loved.  Simply listening to her when she speaks to you will make her feel very valued.  Sincere compliments, kisses, hugs, and massages are all free.  Passionate, romantic intimacy is also free and the best way you make your wife feel loved, sexy, and desired. 

Wives, this is not an excuse to act like a spoiled brat or a demanding queen but be a woman of dignity and honor and treat your husband with the utmost respect.  If your husband is truly a man of God, treats you with kindness, and is faithful, reward him for his good deeds rather than punishing him for his mistakes.  Even if he is not all those things, honor your wedding vows and pray for wisdom in how to handle ungodly behaviors. (More on being unequally yoke in future weeks.)

From a ministry Facebook page I once ran, I once received a message from a viewer wondering if she should be expected to submit to a husband who insisted on making all the decisions without her.  Since I do not personally know the woman that wrote the e-mail, and our communication was brief, I am certainly not speaking for her and saying this was what she was getting at, but I think most women want an excuse not to submit to their husbands.  What they really want to know is: When is it okay not to submit to your husband?

First, The Bible does not say "Wives,  submit to your own husbands only when you feel like it.  Only submit when he is perfect and right.  The rest of the time it is acceptable to disrespect him as the head of your home and do things against his wishes."  What Ephesians 5:22-24 does says is this: "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."

I do not have to agree with Mel all the time and I have a right to express my opinion.  But if it comes to a decision we cannot agree on, I yield to him as head of our home and his decision is what goes.  In our marriage, disagreements are extremely rare.  One of the reasons we fell in love so quickly is because we are very compatible and think a lot alike.  But, during one of these unusual instances, I relinquished my will and let the issue go.  Quite frankly, this was not a minor issue, but I was still able to respect Mel as my husband and let his decision stand.  At first, I tried to change his mind, but when I realized it was causing tension, I put my love for my husband above my own needs.  I did not try to manipulate him to see things my way, I told him I would not bring it up again, and I try very hard not to.  I am certainly not a perfect wife, I initially did my share of pouting, but I realized I fell in love with Mel because he is all I need and I can live without a lot of things, but I cannot exist without him.  I married him because I trust him with my life and know he is capable of being a Godly leader. 

Please take into account those two things when you are considering not submitting to your husband's choices.  Is the issue more important than your love for him?  I sure hope not, then you have more problems than just learning to let him lead.  Do you trust him?  This time I sure hope so.  If not, again, you have more problems than just learning to let him lead.  

Women want to use the excuse that The Bible is old-fashioned, and women are much more independent now than they were then.  I have also used this excuse for some issues, but as Mel gently reminded me, God never changes, even if people do.  I was single for thirty-nine years and lived alone for fourteen years.  I did not think it would be possible to let a man come into my very independent life and take over.  It makes a big difference when that man is an equal partner and not a dictator.  Mel never tried to take over my life, he joined my life, and we became partners.  That is what it means to be married.  You don't lose who are, you become an enhanced version of yourself with a soul mate by your side. 

Is it ever okay not to submit to your husband; to let the queen lead?  Yes.  When he makes ungodly decisions.  If he wants you to break the law and/or do something immoral and/or unethical, of course you do not have to submit to him.  I realize Ephesians 5 says to submit to you husbands "in everything," but God would never expect us to participate in or cover up harm to ourselves or a child, taking drugs, gambling, cheating, stealing, infidelity, etc.  In that case, you have every right to go against your husband.  You even have a duty to turn him in to the proper authorities, if necessary, especially if it involves causing harm to another person, even if that person is you. 

Sometimes, however, you may still need to submit to a husband who is childish, irresponsible, pig-headed, rude, and sometimes a plain jerk.  As long as he is not wasting your grocery money on frivolous things, staying out all night, (etc.), or breaking any laws, you still should respect his choices.  Chances are, you knew what he was like before you married him.  Maybe that mischievous streak was cute when you were both single, but for a man who is supposed to lead, you find it irritating.  Some women are attracted to the "bad boy" image, but after they marry him, they suddenly expect the man to grow up.  Realistically, this does not usually happen and can make for a very frustrating marriage.  Most mature people can be reasoned with, especially if they truly love you; they are willing to talk things through.  If there are serious issues that cannot be worked out by just the two of you, you most likely need to seek professional help for your marriage.

Are there any other issues where is it okay not to submit to your husband?  Well, yes.  If your husband is not a Christian and you are, this could be a real issue.  He may expect you to skip church and other religious activities.  In this case, I believe it is okay to still attend church.  However, I would do it very humbly and not with an air of self-righteousness.  Invite him every time you go, and ask others to pray with you.  I've seen many spouses turn their lives over to Christ because of a faithful wife or husband that attended church.  You do not have to preach at him, often a quiet witness and a peaceful countenance will do more than you can imagine (see I Corinthians 7:10-16 & 27).  But even if your husband is not a Christian and you are, you still need to be a Biblical wife/queen and submit under his leadership as king.

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week:  

eQual:  I realize these two sections this week seem to contradict one another.  Is the man the head, or are we equals?  Well, it seems confusing, but both are correct.  The man is the leader of the home, but you run it together as one. You make all decisions together.  However, if there is an area where you cannot agree or come to an agreeable compromise, the man makes the final choice (unless it goes against God or man’s law).  When I worked in law enforcement, we worked as a team for a common goal, but there was always a superior officer that had the final say.

This week, have fun as equals.  Play any kind of game and, if you are not already acting in such a manner, learn to be either a humble winner or gracious loser.  Mel and I tend to say there are no winners or losers, because it is just about having fun and spending time together.  Remember to adopt this same attitude whether playing an indoor or outdoor game.    

Queen:  Are there any areas in your marriage where you refuse to let your husband be the king?  Unless he is doing something immoral or illegal, determine this week to let him lead.

Art Project Option:  In some countries it is still a tradition for kings and queens to have their own unique family crest.  Create such a crest for you and your spouse.  You may or may not already know what some person you never met designed for your family’s last name hundreds or thousands of years ago.  These are a fun piece of history to have, but I am suggesting creating a relevant crest that represents the two of you.  If you have children, you can design a separate one that includes them, but this week is just about the king and queen of the castle.  There are many different ways you can do this: use computer clip art, hand draw it, or even use pictures from a magazine or your own personal photographs.  You could even have a professional artist draw it for you if you can afford it.  If you can sew, you could even create one out of cloth (such as a quilt-type crest) or thread (such as an embroidered or cross-stitched crest).  You can look at existing family crests (yours or someone else’s) for ideas but try to be specific in using symbols that represent the two of you.