Week 23: Loss & Lovable

Fun Idea This Week:  Spend a lot of time laughing at all your funny memories and create new ones too!

Week 23: Loss & Lovable

Loss:  In the course of one’s life, loss is inevitable.  My husband and I have both lost loved ones before we were married, and we both lost more family after.  Grief is a one of the most difficult emotions a marriage can endure, and when mishandled, has ended many marriages.

I have written about showing compassion toward one another and being each other’s healing instrument and those principles especially apply in the area of grief as well.   

We do not all grieve the same way.  You may know about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, we do not always follow these in order.  Keep that in mind when your spouse is experiencing a broken heart and do your very best to let your honey grieve in his/her own way and do what you can to be supportive.

One thing I have had difficulty adjusting to as a married woman is learning not to give in to old patterns I gave into when I was single. I am referring to my need to want to retreat into myself when I am hurting. My normal instinct when I am grieving is to want to be alone. There were days I fought getting in the car and driving off by myself for a few hours. This is no way means I love my precious Mel any less or that I think he is insensitive. In fact, he is extremely supportive and proves to me even more that he is the perfect man of my dreams. This is simply a need I have to want to withdraw into myself when my heart is breaking.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with needing a little bit of time alone. In fact, if this is how your mate chooses to deal with loss, please respect his/her need for temporary space, and allow the grieving process to run its natural course.  My concern is when one refuses to allow their mate to console them, and the retreat takes longer than a few hours or days but stretches into weeks or months. When one is married, you need to run to your spouse, not run away.  Cling to your spouse; be of one flesh and, as Galatians 6:2 states, “bear one another's burdens.”

Romans 12:15 says to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." That not only means being there for my husband, which is easy, but allowing him to be there for me. I do not need to be stoic and strong. I can trust and honor my husband by leaning on him physically and emotionally.

Grief is never wrong, and even The Bible reminds us it is acceptable, so do not ever let anyone tell you tears are wrong. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5  & A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance.  Ecclesiastes 3:4  

I suffered six great losses in 2014 that I still cry over from time to time, but with God’s help and Mel’s compassion, my sorrow does not overwhelm me any longer, and I can recall memories with less pain.  If you or your spouse cannot function after several months or after a year are still weeping every day, please seek professional help.  The sadness may not ever completely disappear, but the ability to function should get easier. 

When dealing with any kind of hurt (even a loss of a job, move, or friendship can be equated to grief), please allow yourself to lean into the arms of the spouse God granted you, and thank God every day you do not have to face it alone!　

Note: I originally wrote this in 2018. In January 2022, I lost my beloved father. I can now say with more clarity, that this above writing about loss rings true. I was very close to him and miss my Daddy every day, but with the help of God and my husband, the grief has been more bearable than if I was alone or refused to let them be my comfort.

Lovable:  When we are going through times of stress, it is natural to lash out at the person closest to us, usually our spouse.  We take things out on each other because the one we live with is the easiest target.  Yet, no matter what you are going through, be lovable with your words and actions.  Do not ever make your mate wonder why he/she married you.  Do not let him think, "She seemed so sweet when we were dating, but now all she ever does is nag.  If I had known she was going to turn out to be so critical, I never would have married her."  You certainly do not want her to worry, "He seemed so happy and cheerful when we were dating.  He seems so depressed and moody now.  Doesn’t he love me?  What am I doing wrong?" 

We cannot help having grouchy or sad days now and again.  Men, whether you want to admit it or not, women truly have no control over their hormones, this includes both and PMS and menopause.  Rather than making snide comments during your wife’s time of the month, or saying every unhappy mood is hormone-related, try to be patient and do not take things personally.  Besides, men, you know you have your own masculine version of monthly mood swings and even male menopause as well.  Women, we can still check our attitude at the door and do our best to catch the way our tones sound even when it is difficult to fight the crabby days. 

Also, I realize there are some medical and psychological disorders that cause depression that one is not capable of controlling.  In these cases, please seek professional help, as there is nothing wrong with pursuing natural or doctor prescribed remedies.  There are even a number of medications that cause uncontrollable depression.  If a long-term medication is causing such side effects, do not be afraid to ask your doctor for a different remedy.  If you do not want to seek a doctor’s help for your own sake, then do it for the peace of your home life.

Other than instances we cannot control, we need to fight against the urge to blame and mistreat each other when we are angry, frustrated, or depressed.  When you cling to one another during times of crisis rather than bicker, your marriage will grow stronger, and your bond will be unbreakable.

Do your utmost best to be lovable in good times and bad.  Even if you are facing scary, frustrating, angry, or sorrowful situations, continue to hug, kiss, snuggle, and tell each other how much you love each other.  When God sees you through the crisis you are facing, you will be very glad you kept your heart open and continued to treat your mate with lovable actions.

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Loss:  Whether your loved one is dealing with past or present loss, allow him/her to open up to you and say all that is on his/her heart.  The best way to handle grief is to acknowledge it and allow your partner to heal at a natural pace.

Lovable:  Whatever situation you may be facing this week, please do not take it out on your mate.  You did not get married just to have someone whom you can take out your frustrations.  Let your honey be your therapist and treat each other with kindness and love.

Art Project Option: To show your honey that you appreciate all his/her lovable qualities, write a list of all the things you love about your mate.  To turn this into an art project, cut out hearts either in different colored construction paper or scrapbook paper of varying patterns (you can even use plain paper and decorate as you choose).  Write on each of these hearts the phrase, “Love is…” and fill in the blank in big, bold letters underneath.  Make as many as you can think of and hang them (scotch tape works fine) all over one section of the house or scattered throughout the house.  The point is to get your honey’s attention that you appreciate all his/her lovable ways.  You do not have to use the above phrase, you could also say, “I see love in you when you…” or “You are lovable when…”, a combination of phrases, or any other phrase including the word love.