Week 25: Materialism & Menopause

Fun Activity This Week: Plan a menu of all your favorite foods, even if it is just for dessert.

Week 25: Materialism & Menopause

Materialism:  One of the main sources couples state for marital problems are issues over money (see next week for more advice on this issue).  Please do not make your marriage about things.  Mel and I are both collectors of various items, but hobbies are not our highest priority.  Rather than being caught up in things, we are certain to spend a lot of time with each other, not our “toys.”  

We have been married for twelve years, and the majority of that time has been spent with a very tight budget.  I am actually grateful for the extremely lean times because we have learned to rely on God and each other, not money.

I learned long before I was married that it is very important to a man’s ego to be a good provider of material things.  Now that I am married, what I have come to understand is what being a provider truly means.  Yes, we need money to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads, but happiness has nothing to do with materialism.  Therefore, no matter how much money you make, you can never buy a successful marriage.  You can buy a sense of financial security, but you cannot buy love or true joy.

Let me paint you a picture.

I bought my first house at the age of twenty-five and worked jobs that allowed me to be financially secure.  I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself.  Yet those fourteen years I spent living alone as an independent, self-sufficient woman did not bring me any sense of peace.  I felt like I was going through the motions, not really living life.  I was more like a vague shadow of myself living in black and white.  My smiles were shallow.  My days and nights were lonely.  My life felt empty and meaningless.  I felt like an ugly, unlovable, pointless waste of space.

Then March 6, 2012 came.  I met Mel (tears come to my eyes and a smile overtakes my face as I type this).  I had spent thirty-nine years as a shy wallflower, hating meeting new people, always uncomfortable around someone I did not know.  Yet, as determined as I was to put up walls and push Mel away before giving him a chance, he began melting the ice around my heart almost immediately.  As I sat and listened to him talk about the things of God, I could not keep my eyes off his captivating smile and adorable dimples.  And what beautiful two-tone eyes and sweet accent!  I would not have admitted it then, but I knew the day we met, in spite of all my fears of rejection and misgivings about marriage, this man was going to be in my life forever.  In less than a week, I was admittedly head over heels in love and could have married him on the spot.  What was even more surprising, this wonderful, miracle of a man was madly in love with me as well!  We were married ninety-six days after our first date!  Long gone are the days of feeling worthless. 

What has my husband provided for me that is worth far more than materialism?  Mel has brought color to my world.  He has given my life joy, meaning, happiness, self-worth, peace, and true security!  I feel like the ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan.  I do not mean that in a conceited sense, but I say that because Mel makes me feel like a queen.  I feel so much better about myself.  Before, when I looked ahead, all I ever saw was a thin, blank, dark book.  One I wanted closed shut and left on the shelf, not caring to know what was in the next chapter as I knew it would be exactly the same as the last.  Now I see a future full of sunshine and light.  A big, thick book I want to pull off the self, read, and add to daily.  I cannot wait to see where God takes us next!

I know this all seems a bit dramatic, but I promise this is all exactly as I have felt then and now.  Mel is indeed a good provider!  He has given me a completely new life!  No amount of money or things could provide the love, hope, and wonderment Mel brings me every day.  I Thank God every day for such a precious gift, and thank Mel for being the perfect provider!

           Now go and thank God and your spouse for all he/she brings you that money can never buy!  

Menopause: Even if you are many years away from menopause, I believe you can still benefit from reading these next few paragraphs as all hormonal stages apply.  This not a medical or science lecture, just relating my story and hope it helps both husbands and wives with dealing with this very real and often sensitive issue.

One thing that drives me and, I am certain, most women, bananas is when men make snide comments about women's hormones.  Anytime a woman seems more angry or sad than usual, the men say things such as, "It must be that time of the month, stay clear of her!" While women must admit that yes, hormones can play a significant role in our moods, our husbands need to learn how hurtful these blanket statements can be.  Although I do my best to try to control my moods, sometimes, breaking free of a super grouchy or bluesy day can feel impossible.  Praying does help me overcome some of these hormonal mood swings, but just as important is having a spouse that needs to be more kind and less critical. It is best to talk things out with your husband and explain what you are feeling and how he can help.  Also, it is perfectly okay to remind the men in our lives that that, whether they admit it or not, they have their own hormonal mood swings as well!

I will be 52 years old in September 2024, I have been in menopause since 2021.  I had my right ovary removed in 2019 due to a noncancerous tumor.  In 2023 I t had my left ovary removed, then 6 weeks later, I had a complete abdominal hysterectomy, these last 2 surgeries due to both ovarian and endometrial cancer. So, yes, I have a clear understanding of menopause in varying stages, but because of the tumors, my pre-menopause phase was shorter than most.  In 2019, I went quickly into more frequent mood swings and extreme hot flashes (no joke, a minimum of 20-30 a day, and still having them).  

The very best way for me to handle the changes I was experiencing, including the very real depressed emotion of the finalization that I would never get to be a mother, was first to pray for strength, and then to talk things through with my husband.  When I know I am having difficulty lifting a negative hormonal fog, I make sure I admit what I am feeling to my husband and make sure he doesn't take me personally.  He is usually very gracious and understanding.  He is also very understanding about the many, many hot flashes I have. Hot flashes are more than just feeling like your body temperature instantly raises to 150 degrees, it can make you feel panicked, angry, and makes it hard to concentrate as you are fighting what feels like heat stroke (although in reality, your body temperature is literally dropping, not raising).  To me, it reminds me of feeling claustrophobic, as if I have been placed in a hot little box and I cannot escape. My husband realizes that I may need to stop whatever I am doing to get in front of a fan and cool off, even if I have to interrupt an important conversation.  Unless I am out of the house, I usually have a fan near me at all times so I can cope with the extremes.  This helps a lot.

No matter what hormonal stage you are in, my main advice for this week is to simply talk things out with your spouse.  He probably has no clue what you are truly feeling, so help him understand, and gently let him know it is not okay to make fun of you or criticize you when your hormones are making it difficult to control your emotions.  Try not to use this as an excuse to be mean to others but be honest with what you are experiencing.  No, hormonal issues are not easy to deal with, especially menopause, but with healthy communication, you and your spouse will make it through without fighting.  

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

Materialism: Be non-materialistic this weekend or even for a full week.  Except for the necessities such as bills, groceries, gas, etc., buy nothing you want.  Try to find things to do free such as going for a walk or playing a board game.  If you do not drink your coffee at home, try skipping the over-priced latte this week to save money.  If it is an option, go home during your lunch break and eat together, or try free samples at the mall or grocery store for a fun lunch or snack.  The point is about remembering what is important – time together.  If you choose, extend this experiment to two weeks or longer.  You can even start a savings jar and place all the money you normally would have spent in the jar.  You can use the money for a nice dinner out, save for something special you have both been wanting, or donate the money to charity.

Art Project Option: Create a project to list all of the ways your spouse provides for you that has nothing to do with money.  You can create a booklet similar to weeks 1, 11, or 2o but with this new theme. Or you can create something on the computer such as in week 18, or write the words on hearts such as week 23, or even make a framed collage (with or without photos) such as in weeks 13 or 16.  I am being vague this week, but I want to leave it up to you to decide how you creatively let your spouse know that he/she is the best provider possible!

Menopause: Talk things out.  Be as honest as possible about all you are feeling when you know your hormones are fluctuating.  Do not be embarrassed to admit to being grouchy or sad, and make sure your mate understands all you are going through, including the non-emotional symptoms such as bloating, cramping, and hot flashes.